Smart and Sassy

I'm Baaaaack!

2011-10-26T21:26:00.000-05:00

About this time last year, I stopped blogging- I was sick, I was tired, I was unemployed and cold and annoyed with the dark crappy weather. Mostly, I felt like I didn't have anything to say.

Well brace yourselves, folks. I'm sick- again- and tired and annoyed with the dark crappy weather, but I am employed, I have a lot of exciting events ahead of me, and lets be honest...I ALWAYS have something to say!

Today's tid-bit is:
It's ridiculous when you are smarter than the teacher.

Look, I know that there are always going to be students who are smarter than their teachers- that is how progress is made and discoveries happen. But when I'm sitting in a test prep class for the Illinois mandated test for teachers to pass as a really preliminary part of certification...well...it's disturbing that I am the smartest person in the room by leaps and bounds. The "teacher"- who PREPARED the materials we were using and has presumably used them before- couldn't pronounce words properly. He couldn't explain what a simile was even though the definition was ON the paper in front of us. He also decided to eschew (ooooh- big word guys!) years of history and politics to proclaim that third world nations are the same as developing countries. Overlap, yes, same, no. What killed me the most though, was that he just ignored questions he couldn't answer. What, your reading strategies don't help with legitimate questions!? Uh oh! Call in the big guns!

The sad part is, I'm still super worried about the test. Yes, my vocabulary is larger than the rest of the class' combined- but my test taking skills leave something to be desired. I'm a careless reader. I'm a super speedy test taker, leaving huge gaps and holes and room for error. The math section positively terrifies me. Why, no, Illinois, I do not use linear algebra equations in my day job...clearly I should not teach social studies!? So then this brings up the weirdness of- well, does it really matter if a math teacher can define concomitant? Should we care if the Spanish teacher can recite Illinois history? I'd argue that yes, all the teachers should have these skills, and that sucks for me and my future test-taking self. But does it say something about the general state of education that some teachers CAN'T!?

I won't go on about that, because I have sleeping to do and outfits to plan. But as someone who has always loved learning and has dedicated my life to education, I really hope that tomorrow's math review session provides a bit more substance. Cuz if this guy knows less about math than I do, we are ALL screwed.

Jumping on the bandwagon

2010-11-19T21:36:00.000-06:00

There have been a lot of "Things I've learned" lists going around, and because I am SUPER trendy, I wanted to write one of my own. Here goes!

Things I've Learned from....Online Dating!

1. Online dating is no longer creepy and weird, at least not in the sense that you have to pretend you met each other somewhere else. TONS of people do it. Actually...that leads to number 2.

2. You WILL know people on the website already. Lots and lots of people. And no, the weirdout factor from that never goes away. Often, it increases based on how well the site thinks you match.

3. Be yourself...but a better version. I don't know how else to say it. The truth is, no one wants to see the average you. It sucks, and it always feels like some messed up game, a double standard, etc. But its true. My snark must be subdued. My pics must be stellar. And for the love of all things good in the world USE SPELL CHECK. I don't care how hot you are, if I can't understand what you're saying because you're too damn lazy to write properly, then don't even bother messaging me. PLEASE don't bother.

4. Pictures of your abs taken with your phone, where all you can see is the phone and the abs is THE single douchiest thing you can do. Well, except...

5. Asking someone to have SEX with you before even saying HELLO is NOT OK. EVER. No really- NEVER. In fact, asking a stranger to have sex with you reminds me a LOT of something else. Just sayin'.

6. You don't need to inform me that you are a nerd/geek. I can tell. I promise. Your pics, essays, and choice of screen name often give it away before I even get to your lists of favorite books, movies, food, and music. TrekkieTron234? Yeah, the fact that you love Star Trek, read Lord of the Rings and Ender's Game, and can't live without your calculator are dead giveaways. Thanks. Often I can also tell if you live at home, suck at social interactions, and if I would terrify you in real life. I am that good.

7. No, no I do not want to help you cheat on your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

8. Asinine questions are not just for standardized tests anymore, folks! The primary method OKCupid uses for their match algorithm, which is disturbingly accurate, is an endless supply of questions. They are multiple choice, and you can say how you'd want your ideal mate to answer, and how important that is to you. You also have the option to write a note to go along with it, since people can see most of your answers. Now, some of the questions are interesting, thought provoking, and I can see how that would help them match me with a guy right for me. HOWEVER- there are some that just make me nuts.

"Does the idea of flipping a coin to make important life decisions appeal to you?"

Really?!

OR...

"Which of the following is most offensive to you?

a. Promiscuity

b. Hypocrisy

c. Cruelty/violence toward others

d. Religious Fanaticism"

How am I even supposed to choose!?

Ha- and I love "You are interested in someone, and you discover they were a nerd in high school. How does this discovery affect your opinion of them?" Hahahaha- umm...it makes me like them more!

There are some about cross-dressing, cheating, finances...some of them are these horrible scenarios, like your dog just died and your partner cheated on you, but you have 5 kids...would you stay with your partner? Its like a bad country song waiting to happen.

There are also really creepy questions, like if you would murder someone if you knew you'd never get caught. I love Dexter, but what do you do with that information exactly!?

9. Extensive email contact before meeting someone is BAD news bears. There are exceptions to this rule, which I hope I fall in to, but getting this self-designed picture of someone in your head is almost always going to end badly.

10. People are SUCH liars. Oh my word. Apparently guys overestimate their height by about 2 inches. Girls underestimate their weight or body type. Both genders are constantly bragging about how "fun/funny/laid back/witty/modest/insert banal adjective here" they are. You know what? NOT TRUE. Its just not possible. And if you refer to yourself as fun, I have doubts already.

11. Dating is scary. And exhausting. And can be quite exhilarating. I think the one thing that online dating really highlights is how many options we have. That can be overwhelming and distracting, but it can also help us keep the hope alive. And OOH how we need some help with that. After creeper #93485, the funny quiz is all I've got left.

May the force be with you! *pushes glasses up on nose*

Basically, my food rocks.

2010-11-16T21:38:00.000-06:00

Why yes, that WAS my lasagna that was scarfed down enthusiastically by the picky child I am in charge of- two helpings, in fact, when usually she eats almost nothing. WOOT.

Lasagna for the win! I even put broccoli in it and she still said "Now this is what I like to call REAL lasagna!"

You can call me Andrea "The Kid Whisperer" S.

This is even coming off a potluck win with my brisket. (Congrats to Benjamin as well for his ROCKIN' pie!)

Want my recipes?

Have your people call my people. :)

Full-time Kidlet Week- Part 2

2010-11-16T18:51:00.000-06:00

I had this whole entry written in my head after a convo I had with the kidlet on our way to swimming. Until, of course, she ruined it by being a total brat when we got there. I guess thats how they remind you they are small children and not just very short adults.

We spent the afternoon watching a MaryKate and Ashley Olsen movie, of course, because I messed up my back and couldn't run around outside. The kidlet only sort of believed my level of pain, but the movie made her not care so I'll take it. She even got ready for swimming without messing around. Bad for you or not, TV and movies ROCK.

So in the car, she mentions that today in school they started a Kindness Project. I had no idea what that meant, and asked her, and she reluctantly told me who her project was- some little girl named Tyler or James or other random boy name, who is always very mean to kidlet. (Not cool, TyJames, NOT cool!) I was pretty surprised, but still had no idea what this meant- and she explained to me that they have to pick someone to be extra kind to, and not let anyone but the teacher know. I was really impressed, and told her that most adults wouldn't even be able to do that. She got quiet and said that if they were still at her school, she would have picked the girls who beat her up last year.

WOW.

I know it wasn't her idea, but I was still so moved and in awe of a 9 year-old having such perspective and grace.

Fast forward 6 minutes.

We are getting out her swim stuff from her backpack, and the group before her was finishing up, practicing diving. She looks at me and giggles and says, "Did you see that girl? She's so fat she just plops into the water or falls over!"

I wanted to hit her. This is the same person?! GRRR. I scolded her, told her that wasn't nice at all and saying things like that is unacceptable. But really? I don't think she cared.

I'm not sure why I always get so upset and disappointed when kids say mean and inappropriate things like that. It happens ALL the time, and I'm quite certain I did it too. But these little people are our future, they are supposed to be better than us, smarter than us, make the world a better place. As a teacher I try to lead by example, guide them on a good path- but my insides hurt when things like this happen and it becomes difficult to remember her compassion from 10 minutes before. I feel like parents should be the ones to instill whatever quality ensures that kidlets grow out of this, but as I recall from a series of very painful memories throughout school, many don't.

Empathy is a challenging emotion, and I understand that children have to develop it, learn what it means and how it works. But its still hard to watch.

I am sitting here in the kitchen- faaaaaar away from the bird- and the lasagna I made for her is cooking. I'm hiding from the other moms, who know I am about to be a free-agent and are circling like hawks. There are these delicious moments, when I'm standing there chopping veggies for dinner and she is doing her homework and having a snack- and I think, OH!, so this is why people do it, this is the Norman Rockwell moment that parents get excited about. But then there are the squeals over MaryKate's terrible joke, the mess everywhere, the demands and attitude and infantile comments... Lordy lordy, I am thrilled to bits that my time here is limited and I can hand her off at the end of it all.

I love children, and I love teaching, but I just can't be a nanny anymore. Parenting is the world's most difficult profession, and frankly, it doesn't pay nearly enough until they are your own.

Life as a Single Parent, Day 1

2010-11-15T22:07:00.000-06:00

I lived! And it wasn't even bad!

The background: The kidlet I help take care of is parent-less this week, so I am stepping in to play...Super Andrea! Substitute Mom Extraordinaire! 6am Monday-9:30pm Thursday, I am a single working mom of one. Shes smart, shes 9, and she will outrun all of you. Just sayin.

Day 1: The Honeymoon Phase

Getting up super early was NOT fun, and hanging around before school with nothing to do was less than exciting...but nothing scary happened!

The one thing I will say, other than that I am really grateful that the kidlet is so easy to take care of- kids entertainment is TERRIBLE. I know its not designed for such a highly tuned intellect as mine, but watching MaryKate and Ashley Olsen movies is like eating nails. SO BAD. SOOOO BAD. Someone needs to work on this before I have kids of my own. Please. Please dear lord, please.

No wonder parents put their kids in front of the TV and leave them there alone!

I will write more tomorrow. Parenting is exhausting.

I like animals, they taste good!

2010-10-11T23:05:00.001-05:00

I've been reading Anthony Bourdain, and though there are MANY reasons I'm in love with him, his very open disgust at vegetarians and vegans always makes me smile. I don't have a lot of time to post lately, but I thought I'd leave you with one of my favorite quotes!

"Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food. The body, these waterheads imagine, is a temple that should not be polluted by animal protein. Its healthier, they insist, though every vegetarian waiter I've worked with is brought down by any rumor of a cold..."

I especially like the Hezbollah reference. :) Kinda craving a steak now...

J. Judgey McJudgerson Faces the Age of Tolerance

2010-08-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

I was reading a Jew blog that mentioned how few (read: NONE) Jews ever do the one letter first name thing (see title). I'm not sure why, but its true.

But that is NOT what this post is about. This post is about being judgey. Or rather, being judged for being judgey. Everyone who knows or talks to or sits anywhere near me and my sister knows full well that we like to (actually, often its completely subconscious- take a crack at that one, Freud) judge. Outfits, shoes, bags, the volume of a person's voice on the bus (I'm looking at you loud talkers and cell users!!), how they need to shower, what book they are reading, their Kindle cover, the fact that they are staring or picking their nose, or maybe just the way they chose not to brush their hair.

In an age of trendy tolerance and acceptance of all things just because- what is a critical thinker to do?! (Didja like the double entendre there?! Thanks...)

After more than one of my favorite gay men noticed my tendency to comment on other women's shoes and outfits, I started thinking a lot about the frequency with which I do that. And its true- I almost ALWAYS notice what people are wearing, especially women. And often I comment. To be fair, when I like something- a purse or necklace or something- I try really hard to compliment people. I have actually made a lot of friends that way, and it makes me happy. But mostly I notice bad stuff- since often it is the most noticeable.

There was a girl on the L sitting across from me that I couldn't help but comment about. She was super cute, but wearing the most dreadful outfit for her body. She was very curvy, and was wearing an incredibly tight, short black tube dress thing that was not flattering and was most certainly not a classy length. There was a LOT of leg and butt. And then she was wearing those OBNOXIOUS sandals with the sort of boot top part- they really make me ill to look at them. But worst of all, they completely cut her leg off short, so she looked extra short and stubby in a dress in which she needed all the illusion of leg length she could muster. Her make up was done well and so was her hair- she had great hoop earrings even- but the ill fitting dress and heinous shoe decision ruined it all in one quick moment of horror.

Now- assessing this woman's outfit in the above fashion makes me judgey, it seems. And yes, I was judging her choices. But not her as a human being. Maybe people don't separate the two- but I do. And her outfits are something she can control! Its not as though I was criticizing her for being curvy (go curvy girls! woot!), but I believe you need to dress for the body you HAVE, not the body you WANT- and that's something everyone should be able to get behind.

*Those heinous sandals are heinous no matter who has them on- even the mannequins should avoid them at all cost.

I get that its a matter of taste, and I wholeheartedly support individual style- some of my friends have styles that I admire or hate or by which I am confused- but I love them anyway, even if I do poke fun at them sometimes. But the one thing they have in common- other than being my friends, etc- is that they all dress for their body type. So even if its not a great color or came out of a dumpster, it fits them and doesn't make me think they are seriously unable to acknowledge their body shape.

I used to fit women for bras at Victorias Secret. I have NO idea why women can't just pick a bra that fits them, regardless of the size, because an ill fitting bra makes you look SOOOOOO much worse than you think, and you can take off ten pounds by NOT having squish in unfortunate places...just some food for thought. Men who wear pants that give them two bellies or are way up their butts- really?! I know (no really, I KNOW) its not fun to say "I need a bigger size in this". Its a crap feeling usually. (If you are trying to gain weight, just move along) However, while no one is going to look at the tag in your pants, they WILL notice that they don't fit you properly. So who cares what the tag says?! It took me a long time to accept this, but its worth considering.

So...am I supposed to look at a person wearing a dead muppet for a hat and NOT think- "Ewww, poor muppet, what is that person thinking?!"?!?!? Cause its not going to happen. I just hope people know that I can differentiate between a piece of an outfit and a person. Can't you!?

Hey, woman on the bus I ride almost every day- your new Coach bag is gorgeous. :)

Tales from the Locker Room

2010-07-23T12:52:00.001-05:00

When I googled images of women's locker room, among the fancy wood cabinets and half naked people I found this- and how could I not post it!?

The reason for this post, however, is the creepy annoying woman I "met" today at the gym. I had just worked out, and lucky for her the endorphins were pumpin', otherwise I might have responded in a VERY different way. She's this short little older lady, probably in her 60s, gray wild curly hair, kinda hippy garb, fairly good shape for her age. I'm going to call her...Dawn.

Its Member Appreciation Week at LVAC, so she had a cup of the free Argo Coffee/Tea/Beverage of some sort, and I commented that I should get one. She practically forced me to get something by badgering me until I left and got a cup that I filled with water and told her was coffee. (I don't understand people who drink hot coffee immediately after a work out. It just seems gross!)

When I got back from the lobby to take a much needed shower, it was like she had sat there waiting for me! She was sitting on a bench and started talking to me immediately when I got back. I do not like to chat in the locker room. It was 9am. I had not eaten or had coffee, I was dehydrated and disgusting. And I was supposed to get undressed...but thats just uncomfortable to do when you're having a forced chat with a stranger. So I just stood there, trying to think of a way to get out of hearing about her 6 kids, her sick daughter (I feel bad that her kid is sick, I do, but thats not quite where this was heading), and this new miracle drug. She's clearly a freaking idiot, or conspiracy theorist or something, because she was explaining to me how the FDA teams up with drug companies and gets money from them for getting people "hooked" on insulin and other life saving drugs (those bastards- encouraging diabetics to treat their disease!). She also tried to sell me this crap called Zija, which supposedly cures everything from asthma to seizures to heartburn. Now, I have tried really hard not to become a jerk about natural remedies and such- whatever works, right!?- but this is just ridiculous. Especially when she said it cures cancer, AND its alive. I'm sorry...what?!

Its ALIVE?!

Not only is that the most redonkulous bunch of science BS, but thats just creepy! Enzymes are not alive. Look up the definition of alive, please. NOT HOW IT WORKS. I am not a scientist, but anyone who passed high school biology should be able to tell you that. AND- enzymes do not fire electricity into your sick cells. Good lord.

I excused myself to shower, finally. Before I went, though, she asked me which locker was mine so she could give me info on the miracle crap. HAHAHA- right, lady, like I'm gonna let you in to my locker. When I finally snuck away, I was looking forward to getting dressed in peace.

But no, that just wasn't meant to be. Shortly after I got back to change, she was there again! AAK! I mean, if I didn't want to get undressed in front of her before, I sure as shit didn't want to get dressed in front of her now! And STILL talking about that crap!

I have never gotten ready so fast in my life. She even busted out a packet of it and tried to make me eat some. Taking unknown substances from strangers...not so much on the to-do list...Oh, and thats CREEPY! Thats on the rules somewhere, right!? Don't take powders from strangers?!

As I hightailed it out of there, I kind of wondered if she had been hired by the company that makes Zija...and then I thought "Dirty hippies!" in a Cartman voice.

Moral of the story, kids: Don't talk to strangers! And DEFINITELY don't injest proffered substances.

I've Got Your Quest Right Here Missy...

2010-07-21T23:45:00.001-05:00

I have been working my RUMP off for this event- though oddly it doesn't look any smaller- and darn it, you should sign up! Or at least check it out and tell people! Its a city-wide scavenger hunt, ala Great Urban Race- BUT- its more fun, more informative, has better prizes and free beer at the end, AND it'll make me SOOO happy if this is successful.

CLICK HERE! Thats the link to the site where you can register. I guarantee you will have a good time!

Share the link, spread the word, tell your mail carrier...whatever it takes!

*Disclaimer- I do not condone running naked in the streets with information painted on your chest as a method of disseminating this delightful information...but I could probably find bail money in the budget if your dedicated fervor takes you in that direction...

Much One Brick Love!

PS: On a more...Andrea note...I have to tell you, I have learned a lot about people from putting this together. People are lazy, forgetful, and infuriating, but even just one tiny effort makes a difference. Flat out- volunteers make the world a better place. If you don't volunteer (or donate copious amounts of money, which may or may not be equivalent in some cases), at the very least take one freakin' minute to appreciate the effect volunteers have on you and your city. (Do you feel bad for not volunteering yet?? Good.) I am not religious in the sense of believing in a higher power, but I DO believe in the power of volunteering, so if you don't want to hear a rant/diatribe/schpiel/lecture about it...SIGN UP!!

A special post for Miss K.

2010-07-20T21:24:00.000-05:00

Here's how it went down tonight:

A (thats me, folks) (minding her own business, sitting on couch eating carrots and watching True Blood)

RD (Thats Random Dude- I know his name, but lord knows he doesn't deserve any publicity from me) (Rings doorbell- which almost never happens)

A (opens door): Hi...

RD (Standing there in full hipster bike douchebaggery, complete with sunglasses resting on his helmet): Hi! Umm...you had a party here about a week and a half ago...

A (staring at him like he's a potential psycho killer, because if we are honest, he is, and if not, he could be a pissed off neighbor): Uh, yeah?

RD: Well I met one of your friends here that night...Ana? Mary?

A (STILL CONFUSED): Ok...

RD: She rode her bike here, and I rode with her a ways and talked to her on the way. And I gave her my number and I just wanted to check and see if she had maybe put it in her phone wrong.

A (Friends narrowed down to basically one, now I'm just freakin' annoyed): Oh- you mean Jenna? (Names changed, OBVI!)

RD: (Looking pathetic and hopeful) YEAH! I mean, I gave her my number and I haven't heard from her, so I wanted to see if maybe I could have her number.

A (Now annoyed AND staring like he's completely lost his mind): Um, no. I won't give you her number.

RD: Well can I give you mine? If she doesn't call me, I guess I'll take the hint...but just in case! (Writes down his number and hands it to me, still looking pathetic and hopeful)

A (Controlling herself VALIANTLY): Gee thanks. I'll let her know.

RD: I promise I won't bug you again.

A: Thats good. Bye now. (Tries sorta hard not to slam the door in his face)

Though the names are different, this actually happened to me today. While one could look at it, as was pointed out to me, as a beacon of hope for women everywhere- guys will try hard to find you, to make contact, they will gather their gumption and ask about you, put themselves out there- due to previous events, I am having a hard time seeing it that way. This particular friend- whom I adore- is quite popular. She's pretty, and smart, quirky and funny- she's fantastic, and apparently has a magic cooch. This is not the first guy who has asked me about her. Not even CLOSE. And while I am all for introducing my friends to each other, and even being a wing woman when needed, a line has been crossed.

I am not a dating service. Did you hear that universe?! I AM NOT A DATING SERVICE! Perhaps this is some sort of sign that I have to help others find love and happiness before I can find it myself- but that is one hell of a sign. And its cruel.

In school we learned about the gods screwing with humans. It was all fine and good until the mythological scenarios became my freakin' life. Ok, maybe not. But still!

I am single. SINGLE.

Which is fine (ok, so maybe I'm a little bit jealous, whatever). Being single isn't that big of a deal- goodness knows I'm used to it. As I get older it gets to be more of an external problem than an internal one, which is good progress, but still frustrating. I get over looked and paid less attention. Its like a human attachment is a social requirement now. With so many people my age married and starting to have kids, its just going to get worse. It might not be so bad if so many couples weren't so obnoxious. I have a LOT of friends who are awesome couples- I never ever ever feel awkward or 3rd wheelish. There are a few, though, who need a good kick in the ass. Either way, my singledom and general misanthropy don't really combine for an enthusiastic matchmaking future. I might be good at it, but I don't want to participate. At least not without charging. I AM unemployed, ya know. Patty the Millionaire Matchmaker makes bank.

So if you're willing to pay me...I know a GREAT girl who I think you'd just love!

An Ode to My Landlord

2010-06-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Assface-Landlord,

I am writing this strongly-worded letter to you today in the hopes that it will make me feel better, because I am quite certain it will not improve your landlordishness. When I arrived on moving weekend and the apartment was not cleaned as you said it would be, I knew it was all down hill from there. I just didn't realize it would be a slippery slope to a fiery pit of doom.

As your feudal serf-tenant, I have rights, and damnit, you are violating them. Or at least it feels like it.

I have the right to a functioning apartment and all of the appliances/fixtures therein. No really- I said FUNCTIONING. Not sitting there looking ugly and not working. Perhaps those are easily confused? You are pretty freaking stupid.

I have the right to a danger-free zone. This includes poison ivy, disgusting ginormous dumpsters, bugs, working/installed fire detectors, and doors that lock properly. It includes a whole HOST of other things as well, but I'm fairly sure your ability to comprehend basic decency will preclude any deep understanding anyway.

I have the right to expect you to actually have things fixed when they are effed up and the repair guy you send you tells you it really is effed up. "Let it be" is the WRONG answer. The water damaged part of the door/floor in my bedroom? NOT GOING TO GET BETTER BY ITSELF! Rain and snow will make it SOOOOO awesome! And the water damaged roof of the closet needs to be repaired, not just painted over. Idiot.

I'm furious. SO angry. I'm more mad than when I heard a teacher recalling how he told a student they could not be successful in life- and WAY more angry than I have ever been at any apartment owner/company/landlord EVER. Which is saying something, especially after having lived in a room covered in fleas from the sketchy squirrels in the roof. Oh yes, that happened, and this is worse.

I get not wanting to spend a lot of money- really, I do. But honestly, you are screwing yourself in the long run. These things will get worse, and they will cost more later. LOTS more. I am smiling as I say that, just so you know.

Basically, you are one stupid ass mo-fo, and I can't wait until you figure out that instead of $500 of repairs, you will eventually have $5000 of problems, and I will laugh. Right in your face. After possibly punching you. Since right now, I'm pretty sure that's the only thing that will make me feel at all better...this letter sure didn't.

With fists shaking and eyes glaring,

Your Regretful Tenant

"Meanwhile, I will up my Jew-cred"

2010-06-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

Among other hilarity, I recently (read:today) found out that Chicago is nothing but a teeny tiny town in big city clothes. Nice, classy clothes most days (all black and brown), but still- wowza. You say you want evidence? Done!

Exhibit A: About 8 of my friends and I are on the same online dating website, and have now all discovered each others profiles. And it turns out that about a year ago, I had a conversation with one of them and now met them in real life totally unaware! Not only is that a bit awkward, but it sorta makes you wonder- if we seem good on there, would we be good at dating in real life? What do they think of my profile? Why didn't I put better pics and info on there? Is the internet not even a good place for meeting random people now!? Ugggh.

Exhibit B: I see people I know ALL the time. My friends work in the same buildings as other random friends. We go to the same coffee shops and walk down the same streets. This, actually, I find very cool. Unless its someone I don't especially want to see...or I look like crap. Either way it counts as evidence.

Exhibit C: (This may not count as evidence in court- shut it, lawyers!) All of my friends are weird, this we knew, but all of a sudden, my friend worlds have come together- and they all love each others weirdness. Like, really genuinely like each other. Some even like-like each other. I could not ask for a better "Urban Family", as V says, but its pretty crazy that this is happening, and its a welcome adjustment. But we all know how I do with change and adjustment! HA.

On a not so side note:

I am having a hard time coming up with blog-friendly names for the newer members of my fabulous menagerie (can I call us that? its just such a good word!)- so suggestions or requests are welcome. The Curmudgeon is taken. And ArtsyNotFartsy is too. :)

On a very side note:

I came home after work today, starving, chatting with Papa Schust, and exhausted from pulling a proposal out of my bum starting at 7:45 this morning- only to find a FUCKING DUMPSTER by my door!! I'm sorry- what?! NOT OK. So I called my landlord, who assured me he would get it taken care of...and several (read: at least 4) hours later, its STILL there. STILL. THERE.

Oh wait...ITS STILL THERE!!!! Poison ivy, bugs, broken appliances...this is the straw, people!

I had a short convo about whining today, the moral of which was that I should whine less (yeah, likely story), but also about being able to just listen/be there instead of calling someone out on the BS behind their whining, as in Fix It or Shut the Hell Up. I think a balance is important, and I hope I am good at that...but I doubt it.

Its not Octopi, its Octopussies...

2010-06-14T23:20:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the title...a little. Its funny, and you had to be there, and there were many options and I picked a fairly tame one. :) Just sayin.

I have looooots to share, but because its late and I have to go in to work early and I drank a lot of boxed/moo wine, I will share something I stole off a non-friend's facebook page that made me laugh...because its true, and because I identify with almost all of these! (Though I have adapted out of a lot of them, basically all of them ring true for me and/or the people I grew up with...so I guess I'm still a Floridian, for better or worse!)

You might be a Floridian if...

1.You know that you can't be on the fence between FSU and UF.
2.Its not "Sweetened Iced tea" its Sweet Tea.
3."Down South" means Key West
4."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
5. You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.
6. Flip-flops are everyday wear.
7. Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit
8. Tap water makes you vomit
9. Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
10. An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
11. You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida.
12. You measure distance in minutes.
13. You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
14. You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
15. You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes
16. A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
17. A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
18. Your winter coat is made of denim
19. You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites
20. You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer,not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
21. It's not "pop." It's "soda" or "coke."
22. Anything under 70 is chilly.
23. You've hosted a hurricane party.
24. You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
25. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee, Okahumpka and Loxahatchee.
26. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.
27. You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
28. Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include various fish, the NRA and a confederate flag.
29. You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.
30. You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
31. You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
32. You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
33. You dread lovebug season.
34. You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
35. You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

"I'm hungry and I'm carrying a cold veggie burrito"

2010-06-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today, I learned a lot of useful things. For instance, being at the far north end of a bus route means a longer commute to work, but a guaranteed seat in the morning.

Perhaps more importantly, I learned that should someone want to rid Chicago of its hipster population in one easy step, they simply have to bomb Pritzker pavilion during a She and Him concert. Wicker Park would be completely desolate, and stores selling skinny jeans and big ugly sunglasses would go out of business. The no-name coffee shops would become barren wastelands. A documentary might have been made, but all the hipsters who would have made it would be gone! (So instead, James Cameron will take on the project, turning it into an epic struggle between hipsters and "The People Who are Sick of Their Bullshit"...get your tickets now!)

Zooey Daschanel is pretty cool, and a surprisingly good singer, but I'm still fairly sure most people came because they know her as a movie star. Or they are like me, and they like her sister Emily who is on Bones (ok, maybe not...but I can't possibly be the only one!).

Now, don't get me wrong, I had a good time at the concert with my Southsiders and the Curmudgeon, I really did- and the people watching was PHENOMENAL if disturbing, but the sheer number of hipsters and hipster wannabes reached epic proportions. I am all for dancing at concerts, and the teenagers skipping down the walkway who made me smile and feel old, and actually I saw some people who reminded me of the foreign exchange student and crazy chick in Sixteen Candles when they were at the dance- SO funny. (Funnier than the kid who totally ate it trying to jump over the barrier/fence thing!) But when will all the hipster-ness end? I think there are very few people who really believe in hipster ideals, and the rest are obnoxious teenagers who think its cool to wear tight jeans and plaid or used t-shirts.

Ooh- I also learned that I am not the only person who has observed the inverse proportion of consideration and body mass so frequently demonstrated by annoying waifs who can't seem to keep their skinny asses out of the way. Seriously, they are the size of my leg and somehow I am better able (or more willing?) to make an effort to keep my body parts off of and out of the way of strangers minding their own business- on the steps at Pritzker, on the bus- anywhere really! Are tiny people unaware of their bodies in space? Larger people, I think, tend to be hyper aware of the space they are taking up/need on a bus or something similar...so do skinny people just not think about it? Either way, its ridiculous. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!

Additionally, I FINALLY learned what "Boom Chicken" means- woah buddy is it better in person. And with an accent. And perhaps if you've had a bit to drink. Which I hadn't. Just sayin'.

A big thanks to The Curmudgeon, both for giving me a reason to say Curmudgeon so frequently, and for the video proof of our experience. Impressive phone footage, no lie. And now, if you want to know what my notoriously loud laugh sounds like at a concert, you can!

Hello sandals...

2010-05-28T08:18:00.001-05:00

Bug bites.

Baseball- games, fans, craziness.

Bruises. (I now have several, including one from the evil bed-frame attack of 2010)

You know its summer when....

I am at Intelligentsia, its 8:19 am, I have been here for an hour, and they are starting to think I don't have an actual office or home. They finally (after a year? and a week of early mornings...) know my name, my order, and to leave me the hell alone. I'd call that progress.

They are also playing Madonna, which is freakin' awesome. Or was when the songs I know were on.

Saw a woman in a HEINOUS cream colored suit that cut her squish in all the worse places. And she was on her way to an interview!! So sad.

Also, the other day, saw a woman with LITERALLY no butt- I'm not saying she had a flat/small ass, I'm saying I honestly could not tell where her leg ended and ass began. There was NO crease! And she was wearing super tight jeans, so if ever there was going to be a crease...It was BAD! It was like leg sausage, which I know is gross and graphic, but its honestly the only way to describe it.

A short note on Chicago summer garb:

Green, yellow, blue, and orange nail polish should be treated with extreme caution. It can be done, but its not easy. Don't abuse it.

At least wear shoes...I mean, I will judge them if they are ugly, but its for your own damn safety!

Tights are STILL not pants! I don't care how hot it is- besides, wearing synthetic materials in an attempt to stay cool is ALMOST as "special" as wearing tights as pants in the first place. Mo-rons.

Its WARM now people, put the parkas away. I know its habit to grab a coat when leaving- god knows doing it for 3/4 of the year makes it hard to stop- but I promise you won't freeze, its a toasty 80 degrees. (Special exceptions made in cold offices...but thats still only INSIDE)

Tie-dye- not cute. Ever. No really, ever.

Wear sunscreen. Do I need to throw a tube at you?! Walking around after ONE beach-worthy day with a heinous cringe-inducing burn is just sad. And disgusting. And unhealthy.

Back to work. With headphones now, because the STOOPID woman with the screaming toddler isn't shutting him up, at all. I'm happy to take care of that for you....

You seriously have to look at this

2010-05-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

I recently became somewhat obsessed with a few blogs, and while hacking up a lung and looking at said blogs, I realized that if you don't see the pic of the hipsters making out in a dumpster, you are truly missing out on an exquisite opportunity. What you do with that opportunity is totally up to you, but do please look at "Look at this fucking hipster" and you will be glad you did. Then, when you have sore abs from laughing at all the idiots on that site, you can go to "Shit my dad says" and laugh at that too. Not sure how I feel about William Shatner playing the dad on a soon to be TV show based on this site, but I like to read it anyway.

Happy ab work out!

I might be sick, but I'm not dead.

2010-05-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

There are about 230492375 things I want to include in this post...but to start, I am sharing with you two pictures, sent to me by Cyprus because we have a sloth joke, and because in all of my medicinal haze and exhaustion and crazy, these made me smile and giggle like a new mom whose kid just blinked at her the right way.

Basically if you don't think these are out of control cute and/or want to immediately go purchase/adopt/steal a sloth of your very own, you are a heartless bastard and you should stop reading my blog now. No really...stop now.

Excellent, now that we have weeded out the sloth haters among us, we can continue uninterrupted.

Possible discussion topics include:

My current and repeated state of plague-ridden misery/illness.

My car accident that reconfirmed my theory that a disturbingly large number of people really do actually suck out loud.

The fun and colorful tape the physical therapist put on my knees, in an effort to reverse my gimpyness and allow me to run ala Forrest Gump to the finish line of a race- FINALLY.

My hatred for packing/moving/going through my belongings several times.

My hatred for the people doing loud obnoxious yard work at prime napping time.

The TED talk I just heard about how we aren't actually very good at predicting what will make us happy, and the difference between "natural" and "synthetic" happiness.

My intense love of Swiss chocolate.

So many good topics, so little time. They are basically all about me, leaving no bad options!

In the interest of catering to short attention spans, and because my Tylenol PM will be kicking in shortly, I'm going to go with the TED lecture I listened to this evening- its got a nice tie in for almost everything else.

The basic premise of the talk, given by a Harvard shrink of course, is that not only are we not good at predicting what will make us happy in the long run, but we are often less happy when given more options. Something about the evolution of the frontal lobe- I didn't understand that part entirely. But there were studies done with students at Harvard (hahaha- guinea pigs!) that showed that even the option to change your mind can make you more unhappy in the end than just making a decision and sticking with it, sans option to change your mind. Bizarre, eh!? It made me think a lot about relationships, shoes, and hell, even jobs. How DO we know what will make us happy? Can I just synthesize my happiness and say screw it to everything else? To be fair, the guy made the disclaimer that there are obvious situations in which we all know one will make us happier than the other- but the study on lottery winners and paraplegics really showed that its not quite as cut and dry as one might expect. In that study, it found that actually both groups were similarly happy with their lives, and that the paraplegics were slightly happier. Who the hell would think that?!

Naturally, this made me think of some of the ideas that I (and others) tend to go around with in our heads, like how I'd be happier if I had a boyfriend, or if I were skinnier, or if I had chosen a different degree program, etc. The truth is, thats bull. I recently had a seemingly fabulous relationship and I was not happier. There are tons of unhappy skinny people. There are tons of unhappy people with every degree under the sun. The guy on TED said that freedom is actually the enemy of happiness- that the freedom to choose or change our minds often makes us less happy. Not sure I'd sign up for a fascist experiment to test the proposition, but perhaps there is something to that. Its sort of creepy to think that the seemingly delightful options in the stores or online or in life are actually hindering our happiness- or that we are letting them.

So I propose an experiment. Choose something, anything, and accept it for what it is- does it result in net happiness?

Now, can we talk about something else? Like chocolate car accidents and loud sick knees? Perhaps we can ponder some questions I've been asking myself, or have been asked.

Why is saying goodbye so hard for some people, and not for others?

How many times can my PT call me "kiddo" before getting punched in the face?

Whats cuter than a baby sloth?!

How the hell did I acquire so much stuff?!

Why does medicine take so long to work, and then not work for much longer after that, but you can't take more yet?!

What on earth are we going to do with out Physicist #1?!?

Why are car repair places always in inconvenient locations?

Am I happy? Are you?

On a side note: a reward is being offered if you help me move. And if you can tell me what the hell Boom Chicken means.

Meds working! More later. Perhaps a rant about public transportation is in order. Or the shitty weather.

Coffee, Candy, and Chaos

2010-04-04T14:02:00.001-05:00

I thought when I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a kitchen full of crazy that I would be in a snarly mood and struggle all day to get over my grump before book club. However, this is not the case. After lounging around on my couchbed (because futon isn't nearly as fun to type as couchbed) all morning, avoiding dishes and watching the kind of heinous TV that could only be shown on Easter morning, I hopped on Franz and rode around in the sunshine...only to end up at the same place I always end up- Intelligentsia, obvi.

Predictable and fantastic. Just as predictable and fantastic as the people watching from my perch- "sporty" guy (European? just a theory, based on his friends, their very greasy long hair, the cigarettes, and the teeny tiny espressos they are drinking...and the fanny pack) in hideous outfit with a ginormous and seriously fugly bull dog with a cliche spiked collar, loads of gorgeous gay men in their Easter best (tight Ts/pastel collared shirts and butt hugging dark jeans....oh, and don't forget the shades, I'm legitimately jealous of their sunglasses), frat guys with their girlfriends in heels that are WAY too high (one chick, I kid you not, was wearing an admittedly very cute sundress and some serious stripper heels- 5 inch spiked heels on a Sunday morning- CLASSY!), and of course the people who didn't get the memo that we can stop wearing all gray/brown/black. Its April and its beautiful- stop dressing like you're going to a hipster funeral!

But seriously- Passover was awesome. It has always been one of my favorite events of the year, and ever since I started hosting them, I have come to realize that it is my very favorite Jewish holiday (gasp- there aren't even any presents!!). Its pretty accessible to non-Jews, there's tasty food, lots of drinking, and so many opportunities for questioning religion! Oh, and there's butter in the shape of a lamb (thanks to El Conde)...which was meant for Easter, meaning the lamb symbolizes Jesus, and what is more hilarious than Jesus butter?! Highlights included Pick Your Plague, a completely unfair Afikomen Hunt, finding all of the errors contained in the children's haggadah that I downloaded/printed/used, excellent food contributions from my fabulous Chicago family, and the discovery that I totally didn't need to stress at all about the dinner, because my friends pretty much rock. I particularly enjoyed Miss Artsy's door holding for Elijah- SO patient, and the buttface never showed! Just like a prophet....

I wish I had taken a picture of the piles, and I do mean piles, of dishes that are currently sitting in my kitchen. This is why I keep asking for a helper monkey...Ellen refuses to acknowledge the brilliance of this gift request, and won't get one for S either...

**********

DUDE- when there's a whole counter of seats and chairs, WHY would you pick the ones directly next to me!? Its like sitting right next to the only other person in the movie theater! I'm not sure why this continues to surprise me, but I'm quite certain it will always annoy me. Almost as much as the ungodly flip flops currently destroying the super cute spring look a woman in line is sporting...or how overcharged I was for having a bunch of skirts hemmed...HATE HATE HATE the people at the cleaner's in my building now.

**********

Well I think this was just as productive as catching up on all the work I didn't do last week....

Seriously people....how did you get in to college?!

2010-03-30T13:47:00.000-05:00

If you can't properly read an invitation- even a very short one- it brings to mind an important question: Can you read at all?!

I love my friends. Dearly. But WOW. I am not pointing fingers at anyone specifically, but lately I have noticed several friends saying "Oh, yeah, I thought it said XXXday, not XXXday." Really? Because the invite uses both spelled out days AND dates, so I feel like its pretty clear. I do realize that this creates the challenge of having to read both the invitation and the calendar...so perhaps that is where I went wrong?!

Moral of the story is this: if you're invited to a nice dinner shin-dig, at least take the less than 2 minutes it takes to fully understand what the invitation is inviting you to, and when! If that means you say no, then cool. But at least you know what the hell you're deciding about, right?!

OY. End rant.

No title for you!

2010-03-24T22:09:00.001-05:00

1. I saw a guy on the bus today who looked like he should have been at UChicago. Brown blazer, stripey shirt, smug look on his face- AND- held his nose SO high up in the air, he had to actively move his head to see out the window while we were driving. Wow. Just wow. Unprecedented pretension.

2. One Brick event manager first- CHECK and CHECK. Super successful. Yay! Need 3000 postcards labeled and mailed? I am your gal.

3. This crossword may or may not be the death of me....but it WILL prove to random strangers my level of nerd-itude.

4. My alarm clock is set for 5 am. All I can say is: Pink. Boxing. Gloves.

A little bit of whimsy...

2010-03-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Andrea, and today I have the attention span of a gnat.

I also have a minor obsession with horrifying TLC and Bravo shows, but we already knew that.

Today instead of doing work I:
-Scheduled several appointments, very few of them the appointments on my To Do list.
-Checked Facebook 34523467756789 times...for what exactly remains unknown.
-Checked all 3 of my emails 8913457234587 times, for fun exciting news that never arrived.
-Did 2 online crossword puzzles and struggled over a crossword that K wrote, that makes me feel one part moron, one part bad ass (on the rare occasion that I figure one out). But its still awesome- cuz who the hell can write a crossword?!
-Wrote a bajillion emails to the people coming to my volunteer event tomorrow. There was serious self control being exhibited to stay just on this side of stalker-ish...not gonna lie.
-Cleaned the conference room.
-Paced our itty bitty office.
-Planned Passover.
-Booked a spa field trip for me and my two bosses...in MAY...because when you buy a Groupon, you automatically have to wait 5426 years for an appointment.
-Looked for other jobs....
-Did more crosswords.
-Contemplated Free Pastry Day at Starbucks. I hope some homeless people got some pastries...

Yep, it was a SUPER productive day. I think there are just too many things going on in my head to focus on anything. Am I the only one this happens to? Surely not.

OH! You know what else made it hard to focus?! The sun!!! I hate being inside on sunny days. And then me and BC started talking about frisbee and squirrel games (toss, shooting, squishing, etc) and such that should take place this weekend if weather permits (I'm watching you, Chicago!)...

On a side note: While I LOVE Millionaire Matchmaker, I really dislike how they always make it look like one therapy session magically makes you all better. SO not true! For shame, Patty.

And thats all she wrote!

Assorted Goodness

2010-03-06T13:18:00.000-06:00

I am sitting in the Las Vegas airport (yay for free WiFi!), very briefly chatting with this awesome guy on Facebook (ugh- this already smacks of GenY angst)...when he uses several chat abbreviations that I actually had to LOOK UP. I mean, I feel like I know basic text speak- lol, wtf, fyi, brb, etc- but afk and ftw (I totally thought it meant F the world for a second there...) weren't in my admittedly short chat-vocabulary. While I obviously didn't tell him this during our very very very short convo, I became horrified by the implications of this experience.

Am I really that old?

Am I just really out of touch with current trends? I mean, I vaguely know what spring fashions are trendy....doesn't that count for anything? Have I officially started down the road on which my parents have been traveling for ages, never understanding what the hell I'm talking about, dismissive of my "pop culture" references and mentality!? The guy (I need a blog name for him, I know, I'm working on it) is my age! Granted, computers and technology are his life...but still. Surely this whole getting older thing doesn't have to mean I am soon going to have NO idea what my students or cousins or the ruffians in the Village are saying!?

On a completely different note- we have some additions to my rules for life. It is true that essentially, all of the rules are variations on the theme of Rule #1 (Don't Die). However, finding new and hilarious ways to avoid such a fate is endlessly entertaining, no?! I have to thank the lovely Italy, my fabulous friend who is a nurse with oodles of disgusting facts and stories, and who has helped create other rules such as the ever popular "Don't touch dead monkeys in the Congo". Therefore, I give you:

Andrea's Rule for Life #13, a two-parter, Don't touch door handles, as someone has possibly rubbed their cooch on it- and don't rub your cooch on door handles!

Seemingly obvious? Yes. But based on a true story? Yes. Yeah...you had no idea what you were getting in to reading this, did you!? :-)

Also, the famous Pinko will be aging again this week. Send her some birthday/old person love.

And in other news, I am currently looking for teaching opportunities that don't involve getting credentials/another masters degree. Not that several more similar looking and similarly useless degrees on the wall wouldn't be stellar, but its time to get the damn show on the road. So, if you know of any cool opportunities that AREN'T in sketchy countries (a subjective term that covers most of the planet), do please let me know. Who doesn't think I'd be an awesome influence on the leaders of tomorrow?! WOOT!

Happy weekend!

Luge this!

2010-02-16T15:54:00.000-06:00

Is it just me, or is luge only being shown so much on TV because of the tragic death of the Georgian!?

I like luge. I really do- its fast, and scary, and frankly, I have no idea how they do it. BUT- its all the same, minus the rare occurrence of something terrifying. Even getting a luge-rider POV is fun, for the first bajillion and a half hours. After that?! Not so much!!

Papa Schust likes to rant (the same rant every time, btw) about the commentators, who are really annoying and idiotic. "What was going through your mind when you were doing X, Y, and Z?" Seriously?! The best is when they ask "Did you think you were going to win?" HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. WOW. What the hell kind of question is that?! Do any of them actually showing up thinking they have 0 chance of winning a medal!? Probably not...

But what really kills me, and I mean REALLY makes me want to scream, is how they cut back and forth and they get to decide who is important enough to watch, and sometimes you don't even get to see the whole run/routine/etc!!! Its like Olympics ADD. Well...that and the insane amount of commercials that, in quantity at least, put the Super Bowl to shame!

Also, has anyone else been watching ice skating? Or mogul? Or anything where when they fall, you just know it has to hurt a LOT, and you cringe with your whole body just watching it!? One of the guy ice skaters practically dropped his partner!! The whole place gasped! SO scary! I'm pretty sure my neighbor can hear my "Oooh SHIT" exclamations when the falls are really bad.

Overall though, the Olympics offer some fantastic people/clothes watching. I mean, they show up to be judged, right?! So who am I to deny them their one true wish in life? The American skiers need some new outfits, for sure. And a lot of the ice skaters were rockin' their sparkles. One of the American women skiers had some UNacceptable pigtails. EW.

So love them or hate them, theres always something to say about the Olympics. Just please don't make me watch any more luge!

Go Hug a Squirrel!

2010-01-21T20:54:00.000-06:00

Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day. Did you know that? Its also National Hugging Day- which I think is awesome, even though I haven't gotten a single freaking hug today. However, its the Squirrel Appreciation that concerns me.

First of all, its winter. While I learned that squirrels do not hibernate like all the other cool animals (though they do get REALLY fat and squishy) last year, they still aren't out in full force like they usually are. Wouldn't it make sense to appreciate the squirrels when you can see them?? And when they don't look creepy and insane due to their ginormous heft?

Second, how does one demonstrate appreciation for squirrels? Feed them? Swerve away from them in your car, even in the face of potential human casualties? Its not like they actually want to be touched or hugged or anything...so whats a girl to do!? Unlike Penguin Awareness Day, I do not have socks that appropriately match the theme of the day.

Third, and finally, why exactly SHOULD I appreciate squirrels?! They aren't especially cute or cuddly. They are not friendly. They carry disease. They run in front of the car, or bus, or whatever. They make weird noises. They are everywhere. Who decided that of all the animals out there, squirrels were the most in need of appreciation!? When is Wombat Appreciation Day!??

Rodent love.

I better not catch anyone wearing this. Ever.

Heeeee! Ok, I'm sorry, but that is freakin' cute.

On an ENTIRELY different note, a guy got on the fairly crowded bus today with a large cup of very hot coffee that he had definitely not taken even one sip of yet. He had two bags, a breakfast item of some sort, bread I think, and barely had a handle on his coffee. I have no idea why he thought this was ok, but when he decided to sit next to ME, I was NOT happy. I kept eyeing him sideways, keeping close watch on his coffee. I guess only Starfucks has those stopper things, because he didn't have one. Or hes an idiot. Either way, he sat next to me and kept shifting and moving. Our bus driver sucked, so we kept lurching all about. I looked at him finally and said, with ZERO humor in my voice, "You're brave". Brave for bringing that on the bus, or brave for sitting next to me and accepting his fate, we will never know. He chuckled (something I am not a fan of ever, especially in the morning) and said "Yeah, this should really count as a lethal weapon." Ummmmm...really!? That is creepy AND if you know how dangerous it is to bring that, why do it!? Surely there are coffee shops near your office?! Theres a coffee shop on EVERY block downtown, and thats where the bus was going! Luckily he didn't spill it on me. But I feel like there is an important lesson to be learned from all of this- if you take hot coffee on the bus and spill it on anyone but yourself, you deserve whatever ass whopping you get. Better yet, DONT. Get a travel mug! He didn't even drink it- just wait until you get there!!!

I'm so sick of stupid people!

Well, I'm sick of self centered assholes, too, but I feel like there's a lot of overlap between those two groups. But thats a whole different story.

PDAhhh...Excuse me while I go throw up...

2010-01-18T11:37:00.001-06:00

People, people, people- GET A FREAKING ROOM.

I don't know if its the cold weather, or if I am just noticing it more because I am recovering from a crushed heart, but either way, the PDA is OUT OF CONTROL.

Example:
Last night, I went with some fabulous people to the Green Mill, a famous Jazz spot in Uptown. There was a poetry slam and then some music, and over all, it was pretty great. However, while we sat at our 99th place (no idea why we had to keep moving so much, but it worked out well in the end), and waited for the music to start, we were forced to witness a most disgusting display of inconsiderate behavior. Picture this: a middle aged woman wearing VERY age-inappropriate and tacky clothing (like with chains in the holes of her synthetic sleeves and WAY too tight pants) literally EATING her "partner's" ear. He, of course, was wearing white washed jeans that were much too small for his hulking frame, had greasy, poorly cut hair, and like 45542 chins (perhaps not his fault, but it added to the aesthetic, ok!?). She was sitting IN his crotch, rubbing it quite vigorously, and over all...they were pretty much making everyone throw up a little in their mouths. Seriously, we were at a nice-ish place, very chill, pretty empty after the poetry slam...what the hell were these people thinking!? Oh right, they weren't.

The messed up part of all of this? This is not the first time I have seen such DIB (displays of inappropriate behavior- screw PDA...this is much more accurate). My friends and strangers alike do this, and frankly, it needs to stop. The purpose of manners and etiquette is to make OTHER PEOPLE feel comfortable, not yourself. (Trust me, I took an etiquette class at Scripps...so clearly I am an expert!) I realize that a lot of people don't care how the people around them feel, but they should. Just like heinous clothing isn't fair to others, DIB isn't either. Plus, its just unnecessary. There's an acceptable level of physical contact with your SigFig (yeah, Chadwick!), but its pretty minimal.

Now, I know some of you are saying: Andrea, you are such a hypocrite! You have done that (DIB, NOT eaten someone's ear in public...) before- get over it. Well, yes, I have...but not only did I feel badly afterward, but since about the age of...19? it hasn't been in a bar/similar setting with literally a bajillion people around and forced to see. On the sidewalk late at night? Sure- not the best plan, but also yielded minimal damage to people because there wasn't really anyone around! It happens, I get that. But there are a LOT of times its easily avoidable and COMPLETELY unacceptable. Small groups of people hanging out together- THE WORST. Honestly, do you think I can't see you stroking each other?!!?! EWWWW.

This is all extra frustrating because of the many other acts of complete idiocy I have witnessed lately:
~A poll surveying how people put their toilet paper roll on! (Thanks Cottonelle for shredding the souls and dignity of social science researchers everywhere!)
~An article on people becoming seriously depressed and suicidal because of Avatar, and how its an unattainable adventure. I'm sorry, WHAT?! Its an EFFING MOVIE! Get over it!
~The countless, and I do mean countless, people I have seen wearing HIDEOUS garments that look like they have murdered muppets and stolen their fur.
~Bringing 3513 bags with you on a crowded bus during morning rush hour, and being pissed when people don't give you the room that you desire for aforementioned bags. Get a cab! Consolidate! Purse/briefcase and ONE other bag- gym bag, lunch bag, whatever...there's just not enough room for your crap. And I do mean crap.

So yeah...lets get it together people, shall we!? Because the next time someone makes me puke because of their DIB, I will not feel bad when I ruin their shoes.

****Donate to the relief efforts in Haiti! The Jews were there first (read: the Israelis got a mobile trauma center there before anyone else could get there to help) and the US is really stepping it up. My boss at Hebrew school wants to adopt a Haitian baby (have you seen them!? SO cute!), but I think texting and donating to Red Cross, Clinton Foundation, or JUF are all good ideas too. I skipped my coffee and gave the money to relief efforts instead...you can too!****

Kiwi and Diet Coke

2010-01-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

Yes, that's whats in my fridge at the moment. And some old chicken that is probably dangerous...so I'm not counting that.

Instead of getting groceries and/or doing laundry on Sunday night, to properly prepare for the week, I went to the movies! It was totally worth it, since Avatar was AMAZING- but now its Monday night at 10pm, I have no food, no clean socks (maybe theres some at the bottom of the basket!?), and no energy. Oh, isn't being an adult grand?! Though, I use the word adult loosely, since clearly it wasn't super responsible to forgo all of the things I needed to do...

Meh. Details.

It's good to be back at work! The day was seriously slow until like 4:30, when I had a lovely meeting with my boss and was assigned (happily!) a ton of things to do...a little overwhelming there for a bit...but I'm game!

Got to see the icebreaker (aka badass) boat on the river today from the window at work- very cool to see it plow through all the ice...which then froze back together in a matter of hours. YAY for insanely cold days! WOOT.

Also saw a woman wearing what I can only describe as a muppet coat. Seriously, it was like she killed Cookie Monster and was wearing him!!! SO wrong, on a variety of levels. And even if it wasn't hideous, killing Cookie Monster is just WRONG. There are coats on sale EVERYWHERE right now...go to Walmart for all I care...but leave the muppets out of your fashion decisions!!

Annnnnd bed.

Speaking of Resolutions...

2010-01-01T23:07:00.000-06:00

I have always had mixed feelings about New Years Resolutions. For years, I refused to make any- partly because I am self-aware enough to know that I wouldn't keep them, so whats the point?, and partly because I never really understood why this one day of the year suddenly merits an improvement. Seriously, you're going to wait until the next New Years to decide to spend more time with your family/get in shape/start saving money?? (Also, is the middle of winter really the best time to start a new running regime?! I mean...really?!) If you want to make a major change, just pick a day and do it, right!? But I guess that's not how most people work...

What would be really nice is if people were a bit more creative, or at least reasonable, with their resolutions. Or maybe funny? My sister listed some resolutions she has for others, fashion resolutions, obvi, but I would like to suggest some of my own:

1. MOVE OVER- on the sidewalk, on the bus, on the El, on the road...in life! Seriously, I don't take up the whole sidewalk, etc...so you shouldn't either. And you know what, if I am carrying a bunch of bags, move over even more. That goes double if I'm wearing cute heels/shoes, and you're wearing snow boots/ugly shoes. OH- and this can and should be applied to elevator situations as well- I can't leave or enter the damn elevator until YOU MOVE.

2. Cover your mouth- when you cough, when you sneeze, when you hack/snort/whatever else people and in particular old men do...SO gross, and so unsanitary. Really people...heard of germs!?

3. Be honest. Honesty blows sometimes- no two ways about it. But its still better than the alternative. I'm not perfect about being honest, and it almost always bites me in the ass, but it's definitely a worthy goal.

4. Give more hugs. I am not an advocate of hugging strangers, like the random "Free Hug" people are- frankly that freaks me out a little bit. But hugging people you know and like- well that just needs to happen more often.
4.A. Give more high-fives. Not comfortable with the hugs? High-fives are a great alternative, and they always make people smile. Really, there's no downside.

5. Read BETTER books- not just more. I am a strong believer in quality over quantity when it comes to books. Just because it is a best seller, Oprah likes it (ugh), or there's a heap of them at the bookstore doesn't guarantee its a good book. Try a new genre! Don't be afraid to STOP READING IT- for some reason this is hard for people. If it sucks- STOP! And don't give up on actual books- Kindle is cool, but will never be the same.

6. Find out whats going on in the world- as frequently as possible. It has long been a goal of mine- one that has been challenging, not going to lie- to read the paper most days and learn as much as I can about what's going on in the world. We certainly can't expect things to improve or change if we aren't even aware of them! So instead of the gossip blog, check out the New York Times online. Its free. Its environmentally friendly. It, too, has gossip. :-)

7. Dance more! So, I am cheating a little bit, since I sort of want this to be my own resolution. People back in the day used to go dancing all the time, and for some reason, we don't do that as much any more. Dancing has turned into clubbing, which I enjoy on occasion, but its expensive, often unhealthy, and well...doesn't fit very well into an "adult" lifestyle of early mornings and lame ass early evenings. But dancing is so much fun!!! I suck out loud at it, but I still love it. And it needs to be more frequent! So here's to shakin' it a bit more in 2010.

8. Think before you dress. Ellen can help with the details, but I am begging you- all of you- to really think twice before subjecting people to some of the horrible fashion decisions we saw in 2009.

9. Name an inanimate object. You all know I am a big namer. Its fun!! My microwave has a whole personality that goes with his name (Leonard)! Try it. It will make you giggle at the very least- and that's not much of a loss, now is it?!

10. Cook more. I love going out to eat, a lot. Who doesn't love not having to do the dishes, right!? But cooking is cheaper, healthier, and so much more creative. There are a TON of fun cookbooks (always get the ones with the pictures!) at stores and libraries. Food Network has an awesome website. And if you find something you love, or are particularly proud of, its a good excuse to have people over and show off your mad skillz. Bonus points if something is ENTIRELY made from scratch. None of this semi-homemade with Sandra Lee crap.

Hope I see some of these suggestions in action! Happy 2010!

An inconvenient temp

2009-12-29T09:28:00.000-06:00

Right now, the one thing I want to do is go for a walk...a very very very long walk, preferably in the crunchy snow, maybe where I can see the lake. I want to forget everything. Forget horrible people and damaged friendships. I just need to not be here.

But its 10 degrees.

Thanks Chicago.

A "Top 10" List, for 2009

2009-12-27T18:44:00.000-06:00

I know the year still has a few more days left before its bids us farewell, but since I am stuck at home with no one to entertain me, now is the ideal time for a Top 10 of 2009 list, no!? I think I will make it a conglomeration of tops- so enjoy, and if you would like to add something, by all means let me know. Oh, and since its 2009, they are going to be Top 9...because why the hell not!?

Top 9's of a Sassy 2009

Top 9 adventures:
9. Apple Picking, part 2! Still never used all those damn apples...
8. Braving the wilds of Montana. And church. And Detroit.
7. The handful of Meet Up events I went to, during which I braved meeting oodles of new people for no particular reason.
6. Going on several, mostly terrible first dates. Lets hope for fewer of those in the future!
5. Braving the nothingness that is Indiana, just to see Papa Schust.
4. Solo/partly accompanied field trip to Europe.
3. Embarking on life post-school in "the real world".
2. Learning to be myself, take care of myself, and stand up for myself, no matter what.
1. Cross country road trip, in my coche, with my friends, and not hating each other afterward!

Top 9 Smart and Sassy Moments of 2009
This one seems a little ridiculous...lets see how it pans out.
9. Getting my diploma handed to me after being pushed around by a dude in a robe with a golden prod!
8. Having my graduation day reenacted by the people at Comedy Sportz and almost peeing in my pants laughing.
7. Realizing my UHaul had been towed after moving into my new apartment.
6. The look on CD's face when I read her my fave book and started screaming like the latke.
5. Croquet. Beach volleyball. Frisbee. 'Nuff said.
4. Calling in and quitting my heinous job over the phone, on an answering machine. And then still getting a pay check the next week.
3. Screaming at the top of my lungs off the roof of my apartment building, with all of my friends, for Passover...and then freaking out when trying to get down from there.
2. The look on my students' faces when they completely covered their Channukah cookies with frosting and sprinkles, and then were allowed to eat it.
1. Making out in the snow and having people honk at us and tell us to get a room- and not giving a crap.

Top 9 Outfits of 2009- Good, bad, and cringe-worthy
9. Woman in Claremont wearing animal print leggings, white high tops, a white blazer, and a different animal print handbag. Tights are NOT PANTS friends! And dude, the 80s are dead.
8. Turkey's birthday outfit, complete with make-up and hair! SO cute, so pinup!
7. The awful sweater Benjamin wore in the FTY show.
6. The hilarious and super posh sweater that Cyprus got at the outlets.
5. Pinko's stripped shirt. And pastel sweater.
4. Jojo's three piece suit, from a thrift store.
3. The outfits people wore to croquet!
2. The hipster uniform. UGH.
1. My Halloween Costume!!! Fashion Avenger to the rescue!

Top 9 Jobs I Think I'd be Good At, and will therefore apply to well after 2009:
9. The person that names things- streets, towns, nail polish colors, new foods...how cool would that be!?
8. Children's author...telling the ugly truth to children, one cardboard page at a time.
7. Teacher. Obvious, but true.
6. Wombat trainer/keeper/mom. Don't look at me like that- everyone knows I'm obsessed.
5. A professional shopper. Again, obvious, but true.
4. An executive director of a non-profit. Less obvious, hopefully true.
3. Prairie dog trainer/keeper/mom. See above.
2. Fashion policewoman.
1. Professional blogger. :-)

Ok, I'm all Top 9'd out. HAPPY 2010!!!!

This is my O'Hare face

2009-12-27T16:55:00.000-06:00

SO not amused, American Airlines. SO not amused. Because driving to O'Hare in the snow is super safe and a productive use of my time.

Grazie!

This is what happens when a Jew walks in to mass...

2009-12-26T18:51:00.000-06:00

I thought something was off when I didn't get smote, no holy water sizzled, and I wasn't nailed to the first available cross...I knew something was amiss.

I am currently in a hotel room in Hell...I mean, Detroit, MI, on the phone with one of the stupidest women on THE PLANET trying to figure out where the F my suitcase is... I am convinced that my suitcase is now in baggage hell, or limbo...making it a liminal being, and therefore quite dangerous. Take that TSA!!! LOVE that the woman on the phone is pissed at ME for not knowing precisely how this completely unorganized and asinine baggage system works and feels the need to patronize me and explain in excruciating detail why she cannot effing do anything for me. LOVE IT.

So...here's the story. Brace yourself...for it is a tale of idiocy and woe.

We got to the "airport" in Bozeman quite early...over an hour before my flight was to take off. I got checked in immediately, because this "airport" is tiny and there were like 10 people there. Excellent. We wait, we chill...I get on the plane. I have a very nice seat- lots of leg room, got the aisle, the flight was empty enough for the woman next to me to move, leaving me happy and content, and babysitting a 10 year old flying alone. The flight was totally smooth, no problems, even the kid wasn't annoying. So, you know right there that the world has gone wonky...right?! I get to Detroit...somewhere I had really hoped to avoid for my entire life. I find out I have to completely change terminals because the second leg of my flight is on American Airlines.

Cue Death Star theme song!

Now, if I had known ahead of time that Expedia booked me on separate airlines, I wouldn't have done it. EVERYONE knows that's a bad plan. EVERYONE. But, I didn't, and by the time I found out, it was WAY too late. The guy in Bozeman said my bag was checked through, so no worries. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Noticing the maniacal laughter?! Yeah. Me too.

Let me tell you, the Detroit airport is HUGE. HUGE I say! So I learned that I had to leave the terminal, take some sort of terminal to terminal shuttle, and re-check in at American Airlines...oh, and go through security again, in the very terminal that is all panic stricken because of that idiot from Amsterdam. So...fine, I have to switch. Whatever, right?! WRONG. I go outside, stand at the stop for the shuttle...and wait. And I keep waiting for a very long time. So, in true Andrea fashion, I found a guy in a hotel shuttle to take me over there...this of course after lying about my flight time, etc. Only once I get to the terminal do I get a message from Expedia telling me my flight has been canceled. I'm sorry...what?!

ORD 6:05 Canceled.
ORD 6:15 Canceled.
ORD 6:25 Canceled...

You see the pattern? Yeah, literally every flight to Chicago tonight was canceled. YAY!

So naturally I get PISSED. Not at anyone in particular, but preemptively pissed because I KNOW that is just the beginning of the outrageous displays of complete and utter bullshit I will now have to deal with, just to get home. GRRRRRR. And naturally, getting pissed doesn't help. At all. Ever.

I waited in the AA ticketing line patiently, not moving, wanting to scream. LOUD. But I spotted a lone Southwest agent, looking like he was surfing the web. So after some moron at AA told me that we don't get vouchers or help or anything because, and I quote, "We won't help you when its a weather problem, because that's an act of god, and we don't meddle in that," I bought a ticket on Southwest for first thing in the morning.

Are you kidding me?! Did you really just say that to me!? REALLY?!

Ok, so fine, I had to get another flight, not a crisis. I got a seat on the first flight out on Southwest in the morning (cross your fingers, damnit!). But...the bag remained a problem. Ostensibly, my suitcase was transferred to AA from NW/Delta...but given all of this crazy, was it really?

HA- silly question. Of course not! My bag is in "a secure location" where they can't get to it because there's no one to go get it...but I only learned about this after once again schlepping to another freaking terminal and talking to SEVERAL morons in bad uniforms and terrible make up. On my third terminal trip I lost it. Just lost it. I was semi-certain that security was going to be called...but it wasn't. I had my tantrum, and then thought I'd go get a drink from Coffee Bean while I waited for the hotel shuttle (no help from the airline of course, because this was god's fault, dontchaknow). I waited forever, and when I finally ordered my drink, I found out they didn't have soy milk. Really, universe?! FML.

So, defeated and deflated, I found a shuttle, got a hotel room, and quickly went to the bar for a nice alcoholic beverage which I downed with glee.

But of course when I got back to my room, I still had to call and find my bag. Which brings us back to the stupidest woman on the planet trying to tell me that my bag may or may not get to O'Hare sometime in the next few days, I may or may not be able to call and find out, and I may or may not need to call another presumably stupid woman to find out about my changed reservations. I did that, however- call another person. Who told me that my bag would probably be at O'Hare in the morning and that I should call and ask about it, but I still have to go there in person and pick it up...because Midway to Lakeview to O'Hare is SUPER easy and convenient. UGH.

And now I am exhausted. Because being angry and ranty and such takes a lot out of you. I have no moral to this story. But I do shake my fist at winter travel and all of the havoc that my dearly beloved snow is causing. Stay warm. And stay home. Oh, and stay out of church. Bad things will happen.

Another fist shaking good time

2009-12-25T01:46:00.000-06:00

Do you ever get the feeling that sometime, when you weren't looking, something in the universe seriously shifted? You can't pinpoint the moment or action that did it, and it might have nothing to do with you directly, but things are different nonetheless. Eventually, the change becomes apparent, good bad or indifferent.

I've had that feeling for a couple days now. It makes me nervous, which then makes it hard to sleep.

I shake my fist at you universe! I am not a patient creature by nature- its a learned characteristic for me, damnit. Work with me here.

So a Jew walks into Catholic Mass...

2009-12-25T00:19:00.000-06:00

Sounds like the beginning of a joke, no?

Well...its true, I went to Catholic mass, a Christmas mass no less. And you know what? It wasn't heinous. Actually, for a one time deal that made Mrs. S happy, it was fairly pleasant. I liked the music, since I recognized most of the songs, and the priest was hilarious. He is very very rotund and has a silly voice that made me almost burst into giggles during his rambling, lame-ass speech. I kid you not, he started out "I like this time of year. Especially because of the movies that come out!" He sounded very similar to the priest in Princess Bride- the one who says "Wuv, twue wuv..." SO funny! A lot of people were in jeans, there were loud annoying kids, bad outfits, and even worse haircuts, but it was pretty chill and once you got past the funny looks me and Ellen were getting for not kneeling or eating the wafers, it wasn't bad. And it was only an hour, so...all in all I'd say a success. I don't think I have ever heard "Jesus" said that much in my life though, even in Spain, and that's saying something. Oh, and we got to learn what plowshare means, because if you think about it, turning a sword into a plowshare isn't very clear unless you happen to farm. (In case you were wondering, and you know you were, its the sharp part at the front of the plow that actually cuts through the earth!)

Christmas deserves some accolades. Not only is Montana very pretty- if freezing and snow-less (where I am), which makes me a bit sad- but Family S seriously does Christmas. The whole nine yards- insane amounts of presents, delicious food, cookie decorating, family card games and puzzles, cocoa with schnapps- an Ellen fave, church, Santa, lots of sleep and doing nothing. Also, there are two dogs and a baby, and I am in heaven. The cool dog and baby leave tomorrow, which sucks, but I am now Auntie A...so it's all good. I got some really great gifts- everyone was very generous- oh! And they loved the stockings!!! So that worked out nicely. I cannot even tell you how many freaking presents Ellen got- it was nice to see her happy, and covered in loot- but let me just say- the ante has been upped. :-)

I know I joke about it all the time, but functional families always seem like something out of a movie or TV show. I have an unbelievably dysfunctional family, so when I am put in the middle of a (seemingly) functional one, I never entirely know what to think. On some level, it seems fake- surely no one likes family gatherings this much!? Surely people don't actually sign up to spend several days trapped in a house with their family!? But they do, and it works. Its not perfect, but its just...calm. On another level, its sort of sad. Why does my family have to be so effed up!? I guess its something to aspire to...or hope for, at the very least. Must be all the presents...

Let me just preface this next part- I do not want a baby any time soon. But you know that smell- when you sniff a baby's head, and there's this out of control amazing perfect wonderful baby smell that is beyond delightful? Well, I'm willing to bet that if you are a guy, you probably don't know what I am talking about. The baby I have spent a few days with- she has this magical baby smell that apparently only women can smell!!! How bizarre is that?! It makes me so happy. If it weren't totally creepy, I'd find a baby to smell any time I'm having a bad day.

The dog does not have such a magical smell, but is so snuggly I don't care.

Moral of this whole story? Christmas is good. Can't wait to go home. Boob cookies are pretty hilarious. The end.

Flip flops, tank tops, and iced beverages, OH MY

2009-12-18T13:20:00.000-06:00

I am sitting at Coffee Bean in Claremont, CA, wearing flip flops, jeans, and a tank top, and if the freaking air conditioning weren't blasting at me, I would be quite comfortable. LOVE.

Outside, it is downright WARM.

I am SO happy right this very moment. This is, of course, several minutes after I was a complete jerk-face (entirely on accident!!!) to this guy who is now sitting unnecessarily close to me. I am in the front, where there is a large coffee table and 5- FIVE- comfy chairs. I put my purse and stuff on one, and I am sitting in another, leaving THREE (yes, I rock at math) open chairs. So he comes in- in a fucking straw hat, I'd like to point out- and stands in front of the chair that has all my stuff on it, and just looks at me. I finally look up to say "Can I help you, weirdo!?!" and he asks "Is anyone sitting here?"

I look at this guy like he is crazy, and I say, no, but there are three other chairs right there...obviously. He keeps standing there, and finally says, "Yes, but this is the one near the outlet for my computer. It'd be nice to be able to use it." I sort of wanted to poke him in the eye, and I sort of felt terrible. So of course I moved my stuff. But really...he has a super long power cord and is now sitting close enough for me to touch with my toe when my legs are crosses. Seriously dude, get your nasty straw hat on the other side of that table! UGH.

Anyway, its a gorgeous day today, and after feeling old while chatting with a 15 year old about college and post-high school life, its nice to be out among the people who are all way older than me...minus Straw Hat Guy.

My trip to Cali so far has been really nice. Very chill- hanging out with dad, often at his office, sleeping a lot, wearing flip flops and grinning maniacally at my poofy coat sitting unused in my room, making stockings and baby blankets (which are AMAZING, if I do say so myself- there will be pics!), and just generally not stressing about much. I've started reading Lolita for the next book club meeting, and while its quite good, its also quite disturbing, in a really well written sort of way. I keep falling asleep while reading it, because I go to bed at like 10 here. I sorta miss work, but I don't really miss Chicago at the moment.

I learned how to use Skype- I feel VERY tech-savvy and hip. HA. Its a great option for talking to people on the other side of the freaking planet, but comes with a certain level of frustration due to technical difficulties. I used to be such a phone person- do you remember how in middle school talking on the phone was practically an essential part of a social life?! But now I really prefer in-person conversation and actually being with the person you are talking to. Don't get me wrong, I'll take phone over email or nothing any day, but I think we, as a culture/society/group, are really missing out on personal connections by allowing so many of our interactions be virtual. I still love snail mail, and I still love sitting next to someone to talk to them. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way! I say...in my blog. hahaha

Also, I started reading the news again. I'm not sure why, but I am really in to all of the Climate Conference coverage. NYTimes has been doing a pretty good job of it, and its really important- because it effects EVERYONE and should really be something we discuss more often. More on that again soon (hehehe...yes, I caught that too). In the mean time, check out the article I read today.

More soon! Stay warm, avoid fruitcake, and have a fabulous holiday season! Oh, and Jojo's family has a really cool tradition where they don't really do gifts on Christmas, and instead they go shop the sales the day after Christmas- which I think is brilliant. Why spend a ton when you don't have to?! Happy Shopping!

B is for buzzer

2009-12-12T02:29:00.000-06:00

I finally learned how to buzz people into my building!!!! It freaking took long enough! And it was all because a random guy who lives across the hall decided to come to my party tonight when he heard us all laughing and was bored- he told me how to do it!

AND- that was the second time in a week that a random neighbor decided to pop in to a party I was at!

Midwestern, or just seriously random?!

Either way, I am really excited to finally be able to do this.

P is for Plague

2009-12-11T00:21:00.000-06:00

Dear Plague-

You suck.

I don't usually start my strongly worded letters that way, but that pretty much says it all. I have been feeling gross and crappy since last Friday. You know what!? That was a WEEK ago!!!! I'll give it to you, you are new and different every day. Sore throat, snottyness, muscle aches, the works. Thanks SO much! Always keeping me on my toes. And always sending me to the store for new boxes of tissue and various medicines. There's nothing like tromping over to Walgreens in 2 degrees. Really, its something everyone should try.

What really pisses me off is that I've had to miss work, miss out on fun activities, feel gross while getting ready for my party, makes missing people even worse, and frankly- its boring to sit at home doing nothing. So...I don't...and then it takes longer to get better! And now I'm on a weirdo schedule because I took a nap, like you are supposed to do when plaguey, and I'm not ready to go to bed at a normal time. Oh, and did I mention it makes me whinier and grumpier than usual!?

I just want someone to snuggle with me, make me tea, and entertain me while I attempt not to die. You know what, plague?! You owe me that. Your bill is in the mail!

Here's to getting better soon...like, now. Before my party. Before my trip. Before I go CRAZY (...ok, crazier!).

My meds are kicking in...time for drug induced dreams and congested goodness!!!

So plague...the next time come to my house, think again...this is seriously unacceptable and there will be grave consequences.

Yours in tissues and tea,
Andrea

Monday? HA- Try Sunday!

2009-11-15T22:22:00.000-06:00

Usually people dread Mondays. End of the weekend, beginning of the work week, etc.

I wouldn't say that I dread Sunday, but Sunday is for me what Monday is for many- the big "today is the day I have a ton of stuff to do that simply can't be left undone at the end of the day" day. I teach Hebrew school on Sunday mornings, often have volunteering in the afternoon, and it for some reason it has always been my "prepare for the rest of the week- preferably in PJs" day. Try as I might, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry etc never feel the same as they do on Sundays.

So today was another packed Sunday. Hebrew school, volunteering, phone appointment, groceries, etc all on the agenda. I had a great lesson plan, everything was ready...we started our art project and all of a sudden one of the kids projectile vomits all over the damn rug. Really?!

EEWWWW.

Look, I have no idea how mom's put up with this sort of thing. I seriously hope that I magically transform into someone willing to deal with that when I have my own kids- but today was not that day. Plus, I pretty much plan my life around not puking. I'm not even kidding. It is one of the very few things I actively work VERY hard at avoiding. So when this happened, and I had to put on my best teacher face and use my very best teacher voice, I was screaming and running away on the inside. We abandoned the room- and even after it had been cleaned up, we stayed in another classroom the rest of the morning. I used a LOT of hand sanitizer. Surprisingly, the other kids were totally chill about it. The offending child kept commenting about how this happens a lot after he eats breakfast. I'm sorry- but that is not normal!!! Get that kid to a doctor and figure out why the food you're feeding him makes him ill! Really people, parent much?!

The best part was when his dad tried to get him to stay in class. Ummm...no?! NO NO NO!!! I will not allow that! Your kid pukes- he GOES HOME. End of story! I don't have a lot of rules in the classroom, and I'm not that strict about the ones I do have- but holy crap that is one of my rules. Apparently my "Here is his homework folder, I hope he feels better, and I will see him next week" was not clear enough. Next time I will try "Here is his homework folder, now get your germ ridden, vile, no-neck monster out of my class before I flip shit".

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I really feel like I earned some teacher points today. Even though it won't happen, I secretly hope that one of the kids makes me a card next week when we do that as our project. Knowing that they like me and are having a good time might actually make today semi-worth it. Oh, and if they can keep their breakfasts down...I'd settle for that, too.

I can't believe this even happened...

2009-11-11T09:13:00.001-06:00

So, I woke up at 7:30 this morning. There was even a teeny bit of sun!

7:31 AM: BLASTING Mexican music. Like, a foot outside my door.

I'm sorry...what!?

I listened for another few minutes, to make sure I wasn't crazy. But no, it was real. And holy cow it was unacceptable. I get that the construction workers are doing boring work- and I appreciate them doing it QUIETLY. Even if I am awake, I still don't want to hear that! Headphones? Silence? People pay monks in far away places thousands of dollars to be allowed to have hours of quiet contemplation...these guys could do that and get paid!

I went out into the hallway, bleary eyed and pissed off, and asked VERY nicely for them to turn it down/off...and the guy said "Ok, I guess so". Really?!

The music is back, and it is 9:17- I'll grant you, a marginally more acceptable hour for this, but still obnoxious. I don't want to be the chick who gets them in trouble or complains to management...so I will live with it. But I don't have to be happy about it.

Indiana...Where Hope Goes to Die

2009-11-09T11:00:00.000-06:00

The University of Chicago is aptly named the place Fun goes to die. Well, I have found where Hope meets its maker, and it is full of ... Middle People.

I am in West Lafayette and Lafayette Indiana- or the Greater Lafayette. Call it whatever you want, its still depressing. Purdue is a completely respectable school, in a heinous and unfortunate location. I am sipping on the worst latte I have had ever- or at least a very long time. The coffee shop (one of two I have found in this whole place) is ok, has free internet, the people are nice enough (And the corn chips are SUPER good...coincidence?). But WOWZA. Even driving here- both from Chicago and to the "downtown" from the hotel was enough to make me thankful to have grown up in Gainesville. YIKES. There's basically nothing to do, no movie theaters or anything, just some churches, a lot of fields, and several more tractor stores than one might expect even for here. I couldn't see the street signs last night because there was CORN in the way. I mean, really?!

There are approximately 100,000 people in Greater Lafayette, including the 35,000 students at Purdue. Guess how many Super WalMarts there are! THREE. Ellen made a legitimate point that really, do you even need one? But I decided to venture forth and experience a Super WalMart in Indiana, because I have only ever been to one, very briefly, in Florida. Plus, it was right next to the hotel, so what the hell?! Talk about massive! Admittedly, other than the ancient Greeter, the people were very friendly and the ginormous place was nearly empty (perhaps because you could literally fit the entire population inside there and still have room but there are still two other Super Walmarts at which to shop!?). And DAMN was it cheap. I found stuff for several bucks less than I normally pay. And if you ignore the politics and social repercussions of my purchases, your stomach almost doesn't feel yucky. There is a Super Target too, but I suspect its not as cheap. The grocery store part of WalMart was surprisingly nice. I'd still think twice before buying meat there, but bananas or Cheerios seems ok. And it was the cheapest box of Cheerios I've ever found! Hopefully its actually Cheerios when I open it...

And lets discuss Middle People. Theres a new TV show that I watch on Hulu called The Middle, and it is about a family in Indiana. I really like the show- its hilarious. The real thing? They seem pretty nice, but very plain. And boring. And drab. I haven't been to campus, but the rest of them dress just like you'd expect Middle People to dress. Jerseys. Jeans. Frumpy sweaters and ugly, sensible shoes. If NYC is boutique/couture/Saks and Chicago is Bloomies or Nordstrom, then the Middle People are Old Navy, on a good day. WalMart on a normal day. I look pretty cute today, I did my nails and straightened my hair, and I'm wearing a cute skirt, my tall boots, and a bright pink sweater. Totally normal- everywhere but here. I am close to certain that these people spend, if any at all, about 5 minutes getting ready in the morning, and that includes brushing teeth and eating breakfast. I mean, fine, if you don't care, whatever. But don't look at me like I'm an alien just because I look nice.

The other weird thing about Middle People is that you can't quite categorize them...they aren't really hicks, and they aren't really poor white trash...most of them don't have much of an accent. And somehow that makes it even worse. And way harder to concretely make fun of...

Can I leave yet?? I came here to see my dad, because he had meetings at Purdue. He better feel very very very loved. I haven't felt so much like a city slicker out in the boonies since the last time I was in Indiana or Kentucky or some such tragic place. One of the physicists always calls Indiana the Armpit of the Midwest...and I think I'm going to have to agree with him on that one.

A frightful sight, for you, on Halloween

2009-10-31T13:54:00.000-05:00

I have seen a LOT of terrible outfits that I will share with you shortly, but this was shown to me just now and is definitely scary enough for some Halloween fun!

CLICK HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK

Just sayin....

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Love, The Fashion Avenger

A is for adult

2009-10-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

As I am sure many of you have noticed, being an adult sucks sometimes. Would I want to go back to the days of parental mandates on bedtimes and dinner? No. But even as spoiled and fortunate as I am with the parental support I still receive, some things about growing up can't be avoided, even by me.

Bills/dealing with the actual service providers/being home for installation/etc: I know I am not the only one who hates hates hates paying bills, talking to machines or the bitchy people who come after the machines at the internet company, making my schedule revolve around some guy/person who may or may not show up on time and then charge me a crap ton of money. I realize this is just part of life- but holy cow it blows. The automated phone people drive me INSANE. I'm certain I learned this from my father, who has the patience of an infant for things like this, but WOWZA- just dialing makes me tense, and by the time I get to a real person, I am red, my nostrils are flared, and if they were able to see me they would probably go cower in a corner. As they should...since most of them are complete morons.

Dealing with relationships like an adult: Sometimes, I just want to scream. Or smack someone. Or do stupid things that I will regret later, even though I know it ahead of time. Or tell a shameless lie just to cause/avoid pain. But it turns out, that's not how it works. Being up front and honest and truthful is HARD. And it hurts. I have no idea why it takes us so long to learn or be taught to do this, and many people never do, which makes it even worse. In Sex and the City (which, I'll grant you should not be a model for behavior), the women do incredibly stupid things sometimes, with very few real repercussions. And they are in their 30s/40s! SO not fair. Does it ever get easier to establish boundaries or walk away from something you really want but can't have or watch other people be happy when you are still working at it? Perhaps if I wear very very high heels and crazy hats, I too will find true love and happiness!

Everyday little things: Having someone do your laundry is something kids seriously need to appreciate at an earlier age. Doing laundry isn't hard, but its time consuming and a giant pain in the ass. And its expensive in my building! Dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, cooking healthy meals every day, throwing away dead flowers (another thing I learned from my dad), organizing files and paperwork, etc- all of these things are easy and no big deal, but for some reason they bug me. I'd much rather be at the gym- which is saying something! Hell, I'd rather be at work! I definitely know why I need to make a ton of money when I grow up- so that I can have a dishwasher and my own washer/dryer! There is something very satisfying about seriously cleaning your whole place and standing back and looking at it. But then two days later its messy again! OY! Forget about it...I'm going to yoga.

Speaking of yoga, regularly scheduled exercise: I have no idea why getting to the gym is so hard to do, but real adults seem to be able to do this on a daily-ish basis (or they take their kids for walks or something!) without a problem. Once I get to the gym, I don't mind the exercise, and I always feel good afterward (particularly after a training session! Nothing says endorphins like yet another set of speed skaters!). How do adults do this? When does something finally click in my brain that says: Ooh! Its not fun or exciting or anything even close, but you will do it and you will get over it because you are an adult, and then will magically make my body move and do what its supposed to!? Also speaking of the gym- I am in the market for some gym pants that won't fall down. Any suggestions??

Last but not least: "Normal" sleep schedule. Parents perhaps would disagree, but I think that one hallmark of being a genuine adult is having a non-student-esque sleep schedule. Going to bed at 1am and sleeping until 9 or 10- or 3 just isn't something most adults do when they are finished with school. I need at least 8 hours of sleep. I have tried to live on less, and it just doesn't work. So I have been trying to train myself to go to bed at 11 and wake up at 7, since that at least SORT of resembles a normal working person's schedule, give or take an hour. But I find it very difficult to go to bed before 12 unless I am exhausted, and particularly now that its always dark- waking up to darkness at 7 is almost unbearable. But theres also the whole problem of a social life. And my weirdo "work" schedule. Most of my friends either work or are in school- or are unemployed like me. So everyone has bizarre schedules, and we hang out at very bizarre times, and mostly at night. Which means that if I want to hang out with people during the week, going to bed "early" just isn't going to work. Also, since I work on Sunday mornings and have to get up early for that, my Saturday night plans always get ruined. I'm not complaining about that, since I love that job, but my odd schedule and love of nighttime socialization is making this whole "adult schedule" very difficult. Do you just have to choose- sleep or fun?

Perhaps that's the big adult thing: choosing. And you know what? I want both!

Rain rain go away....

2009-10-26T18:01:00.000-05:00

Well, the rain has officially gotten to me. It makes me tired and grumpy, and all I want to do is lounge in bed. Which obviously can't/shouldn't happen. Stupid stupid rain!! GRRRRRRRR

Perhaps its the fact that Chicago is poorly planned for the weather it has (read: my apartment has a moat every time it drizzles, Lake Michigan is not the only great lake in town when it rains a lot, and in the snow, well...lets just say if I don't break a bone this year I will be incredibly impressed.). Perhaps its the combo of cold and rain. Or the fact that my rain shoes are comfy and effective but hideous. Or perhaps it is simply that I haven't gotten enough sleep and the rain is an easy scapegoat. Whatever it is, I am NOT pleased.

I met with some professors at school today, to get some advice on future plans. Not only did I get completely conflicting advice from the different profs, but I also just got exhausted from thinking about all of the testing/pre-reqs/applications/essays/other necessary but painful bullshit involved with applying for MORE grad school. UGH. Really? The GRE...again!? I was pleased that one prof agreed with my approach to the whole endeavor, and the other did not simply suggest striving to be a policy analyst- but instead spoke of my future as a policy MAKER- in charge, not a middle person. I liked that. A lot...

I have to say- I hate the suburbs of Chicago. And driving on the freeways here- even more in the rain. And in traffic. Double UGH.

Am I complaining enough?? I can do more...

On a positive note: I will be volunteering a LOT in the near future. About twice a week at the Children's museum (in the art studio!!! YAY!!) and also roughly once a week with OneBrick. So I am VERY excited about that. Now if I could just find a job... Details, right?

Oh, and can we discuss Halloween? So, I am sewing a large portion of my costume, which I am very excited about, but it is taking FOREVER and a day. But at least I won't be slutty. What is with all the slut-tastic outfits people wear!?!? Really, they can't come up with anything better? Just because its a fun holiday does not mean I want to see your ass/tits/crotch/inappropriate body part of your choice. That goes for the gay men, too, just FYI.

OH- and if anyone I see/know dresses up as a condiment, not only will I take pictures and shamelessly rag on you, but we will no longer be friends (or never will be, if we aren't already). It is simply unacceptable. Wanna wear all purple/red/yellow? Fine, be the purple people eater. But ketchup, jelly, mustard, mayo, whatever- EW. NOT OK. Neither is dressing up as yourself. I have high expectations for Halloween costumes, but really, even a little teeny ounce of creativity will do. Otherwise, don't go out where everyone else is dressed up. Stay home. Be lame. But don't ruin my one night of absurdist pleasure. Thanks!

The small children at the zoo this weekend had some of the BEST and cutest costumes I have seen in a very long time. I particularly enjoyed the small chubby children dressed as chickens and ladybugs. And there were a lot of little boys dressed like batman- SO adorable. If it weren't sketchy to have pics of them, I would.

And on that note!

Fist Shaking Goodness

2009-10-19T12:55:00.001-05:00

So, last night through runny mascara and tears, I realized that Papa Schust's generation needs a big giant punch in the face for their terrrrrrrible economic policies...hell, everyone born before me, lets just say. The economic problems right now!? So not my fault! Yet people my age are really the ones suffering. And I would love to help fix the problems- but that would involve someone hiring me!!!!

AND- lets discuss all of the people who, when I went to them for job and school advice all blew a ton of sunshine up my butt about how many skills I have and how everyone would want to hire me because of my stellar education. HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Its funny- tragic funny.

You know what?! Biggest load of crap EVER. Yes, I am smart. And very very very well educated. BOY can I write you an essay- and quickly at that. But the truth is- that's not useful. At least, not right now. No one cares that I can analyze an article or policy, etc. They care if I have 2 years experience filing or answering phones, and they care if I will suddenly find something better and leave. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am considered a flight risk. I stuck with school for a bajillion years and had a job for a school year as a teaching assistant, but that is not good enough. That does not prove anything, it would seem.

So, I shake my fist at them, alllll of them. Simply because it would take a very long time to punch all of them in the face, and probably would involve a lot of jail time once the numbers starting growing...

At least Intelligentsia started giving unlimited internet access. Perhaps they read my blog!? The children in cafes still make me want to scream though. Yesterday, me and Physicist5 were doing work/pretending to do work and there was a SERIOUSLY whiny child with some seriously indulgent parents. Oh yes, he was really enjoying his chocolate tea (but why doesn't it taste like chocolate....?) and time with mum and dad and all the alternative folks in the 'hood sitting quietly in a cafe. Well done, mum and dad, well done.

Oh! And I get to start volunteering at the Children's Museum soon.

Ok- that was random and choppy. Sorry. Will work on that. When I get my soul back. Oh UofC, you even manage to steal my soul from across town.

Thank god I live today...and not in the 1960s...

2009-10-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

Aside from the terrible bras and questionable forms of birth control, I can't imagine living in a time when being divorced or having a job other than mother was scorned. I've been watching Mad Men tonight, because I am just that cool- and wow did a lot of these women have shitty lives. And the smoking- GOD the smoking.

I do love their outfits though. And the hair.

The giant pumpkin I bought today after apple picking is sitting on my coffee table staring at me, waiting to be carved. Such a delightful field trip. An excellent tradition that I hope to continue.

But I need a hug, or 234324. The stress of job hunting/avoidance pretty much demands some hugs. I'm taking appointments. Sign up now!

On a side note, there was quite a scene outside Best Buy on Clark tonight when I went over there. I walked up and there was a guy all sprawled out on the sidewalk, with a woman's coat and purse next to him. A guy who worked there had called the cops and such, but it was really disturbing to see.

That's my story, the end.

Children children everywhere...

2009-10-12T09:56:00.000-05:00

I have come to some conclusions and decisions in the last few days- some during my terrible, not at all restful sleep, and some during my random daily doings.

1. I want to be a teacher. Not forever, and probably not in a sketchy area if I can avoid it, but I definitely want to be a teacher. For a while now, education policy has been on my mind, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of improving public policy, but had never really been able to choose an area of focus. I think education is the way to go for me. Few things enrage me like the ineffective public school system in this country, or the lack of respect shown to teachers in general. Worried about the future of our country/world/planet/universe? Try supporting the people who are largely responsible for creating productive, aware, proactive global citizens! But really, if I want to improve education policy, I should have a bit more experience with it, eh!? Just a thought.

I don't know if I would want to teach little kids or high school, but I DO know that middle school just isn't happening.

2. I ADORE my teaching job. Chaotic does not even begin to describe Sunday with 22 (23? Honestly, I didnt count!) 5-6-7 year olds! But you know what?! They are incredibly smart, creative, silly, wonderful people...and WOAH buddy do they love glitter. How can you not be excited about that?! I was exhausted after just two hours- I had totally forgotten how much energy it takes to be "on" like that.

Funny kid moment:

Adorable little boy (perhaps 5 years old): I have a dog. Hes just like my bruddah (brother in kid speak).
Adorable little girl (perhaps 6/7 years old): I have a brother. Hes just like having a dog.

HA. I almost died.

Jews + art projects + amazing kids= HEAVEN for Andrea

I even liked music. AND I got to see the Torah completely unrolled around the sanctuary...which not many people ever get to see. VERY cool!

Fun random Torah facts: Its written on parchment- and every piece comes from a different animal. If the scribe messes up, he can scrape the ink from the paper. If its too big to scrape, he has to start over on that piece. It takes about a year to write a Torah. There are no dates or authors names on them, because only the exact words of the bible are allowed to be on there. On each piece of parchment, the scribe waits until the end to write the name of god on there, so that if he messes up, he doesn't have to bury it and do a whole ceremony. Theres no punctuation or vowels on the Torah- and there aren't any titles for the five different books- just paragraph spaces and a bit more space between the different books.

There...now you know stuff about the Torah. Aren't you glad!?

3. I am WAY too tense and uptight. Yeah yeah, everyone already knew that...but being aware of that and being able to change are two completely different things.

4. I need new jeans BADLY. Random, but still true.

5. My phone interviewing job not only completely blows, but totally stresses me out and gives me nightmares. Which is RIDICULOUS. I do not get paid NEARLY enough to deal with that crap. I get so worked up and stressed out about it, that I have a stomach ache the entire time Im there, and before I go, and it takes several hours after work to unwind. NOT GOOD.

6. DESPERATELY seeking other employment!!! Not kidding!

7. I was just at Intelligentsia, where there was another very loud obnoxious small child- or tiny bundle of evil, and it sort of made me wonder why I love kids so much but at the same time can find them so completely annoying and even want to work with them everyday! I think its because when I go to a cafe or somewhere else to relax, think, do my own thing, I am SO not mentally prepared for the screeching and wailing and such. When I go to teach, I know what to expect, and I have no illusions that there will be quiet at any point, ever. Maybe?! Good thing they are so cute.

Oh Chicago...

2009-10-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

Some letters. :)

Dear Parents of Screaming Child in Intelligentsia,

PLEASE shut that thing up! I love kids, I really do...but that monster is completely ruining my morning. At least looking as though you care and are trying to quiet her would be an improvement. Also, look around you- the average age of the people in here right now is like, 40. Other than the people who work here, and your tiny bundle of evil, I am the youngest one! There are no other kids. There are no teenagers. It is quiet and peaceful- or it was until now!

FIX IT NOW!!! Its football season, and I hear babies make a really nice spiral. No amount of pink blankets can change that.

Also, as an observant human being, a teacher, and a former nanny, I can tell you with 100% certainty that kids DO NOT LIKE to hang out at coffee shops like adults do. Steaming milk is a scary noise, and coffee stunts their growth (though I would support giving them an Irish coffee to induce sleep...), so find a play ground or a Gymboree or whatever, and move it along.

Thank you,

An Irate Andrea

PS- Now every time a parent walks in with a stroller/kid, I get jumpy and angry. Next time you ruin my post-workout zen, you will be beyond sorry. Just sayin.

And another:

Dear Chicago,

Yesterday, I wrote you a really nice note on my Facebook status. I mentioned how lovely the weather was, for that ONE day between the many many many days of gray and cold and rain. Apparently, you either didn't read my beautifully crafted love note, or you simply do not care. Either way, thats just rude! What is this today?! Seriously?! And the lows for the end of the week are in the THIRTIES?! 'Scuse me!?

I get that its fall. In fact, I loooove that its fall. But the gray/cold/rain combo is unnecessary and depressing. Can we have some variety at least!? How about some sunny cold!? Some non-rainy cold!? PLEASE?!

Though this is prime apple picking and pumpkin carving weather....

STILL- I will not be distracted by delightful fall activities. Spice it up, brighten it up...or I will not survive through the inevitably unending winter. And we all know what happens when I get S.A.D.

Sincerely,

Your ever loving resident, Andrea

Aaaaannd another:

Dear Women of Chicago (or anywhere else I have to see you),

What has gotten in to you?! Good lord! Dark lip liner with shell pink lipstick!? EW. Red Uggs with blue and black striped gym tights?! EW EW EW.

I know its cold and gray, but people still have eyes! I'll give you props for having a nice ass, but suctioning it into a hideous casing doesn't do you any favors. Look in a mirror much!? Ever?!

And what happened to color, appropriate and pleasant color!? Its not February. Its October, the perfect time for some golds and deep reds- which look good on everyone pretty much. If the trees can wear it, so can you. Grey and black and puke brown are sooo dull. So don't give me those looks when I'm wearing my nice pink sweater. Instead, go out and buy one! Old Navy is having a sale...so get on it.

OH! And two bags is PLENTY. What is with schlepping around with like, 19 purses/bags/totes?! If you really have that much to carry around, get a car. I will not feel bad about my one purse and coat on the CTA when you take up 4 seats with all of your crap and ugly ass bags. I just won't. Consolidate, for the love of god.

Also, while I'm here- how about that hair!? I know its windy, I almost got blown into the lake too, but DUDE- your hair needs HELP. Buy a rubber band or a headband or a scarf or something. Aside from just looking atrocious, its all over everyone on the bus. EW!?

Work on this, ok? THANKS!!

With pleading eyes and the intense desire to scream,

A

Doggalicious

2009-10-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

Or...I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

I'm sorry, that line is amazing, and I will never get bored of it. Never.

Ok, I'm over it.

By the way: Doggalicious is the word for that time of day when your outing coincides with the time that the entire neighborhood decides to take their doggies for a walk, resulting in dogs EVERYWHERE...and it is delightful.

I have work today. Whats that, you say?! Work? That would imply that I have a job?! Well, ladies and gents, I do. I have a job. Two jobs, actually.

Job #1: Phone interviewer (aka Social Science Researcher Extraordinaire) for NORC. Those statistics that the government uses, or the CDC spouts...those are collected by people like me...and some other colleagues of questionable competence. Its a part time thing, with evening hours and Sundays, too. But its a job, and it doesn't involve changing diapers, digging ditches, or any sort of street corner, so its all good. I canceled my trip to Cali for it. I am rearranging all of my volunteer work for it. And I can't even really use it as an excuse for new clothes, because you can basically wear whatever you want.

The problem, you see, is the training. Today is day two of training. Saturday was General Training- for SEVEN (7) hours! So when I got there, I expected to learn a lot of useful information. Instead, I got talked at like a 6 year old with a disturbingly low IQ. REALLY?! Even allowing for the lowest common denominator idea- dumbing things down for the stupidest people in the group- this was RIDICULOUS. Our trainer was...well, lets just say he belongs in a special category of people I refer to as: Infuriating Idiotic Douche Bags. Look, hes a nice enough guy, certainly not malicious or anything, and not all of the stupidness is his fault- he didn't make the soul crushingly terrible power point. But WOAH. Repeating the same phrase 27 times in 7 hours?! Over kill. How many times do we need to hear that if we don't show up to work, we don't get paid. Is that really something people are surprised about!? Also, I feel like cutting down on his constant anecdotes could have shaved a good...I don't know, 3 hours off the whole deal!? My tummy started to hurt around hour 5, because I was so frustrated and annoyed. When I left, I was out of control enraged. (Stepping in puddles and soaking my shoes and socks didn't help!) It was BAD.

Hopefully today is better?! Its a mere 6.5 hours, is project specific, and has a different instructor. But here's what I envision anyway:

Instructor: This study is being conducted for the CDC, and will focus on different kinds of influenza. This is how you pronounce influenza. In-flu-en-za. Repeat after me...In- flu-en-za.

Class: Infl-uen-zzzzaaah?

Andrea proceeds to run away screaming....

Job #2: First grade religious school teacher at a Reform synagogue in the Jewville burbs of Chicago, IL. :)

I can't tell you how excited about this I am. Its just Sunday mornings, but the people are really nice, I will be in charge of the class with an 8th grader as my assistant (I met him, and he reminds me a LOT of one of my favorite Super Jews when he was younger, so is therefore amazing and awesome), and there will be music and art projects!!! When I was little, I hated Sunday school, but now I am excited about it.

Yesterday was technically my first day. Because it was the last day of Sukkot, they had a family field trip to the Lincoln Park Zoo instead of normal school. I went with them, to meet some of the families, and my assistant, and well, to see the animals since I had never been to the zoo (which is pathetic, since its right down the street from my house...). OMG- I love these people. They were all so nice and welcoming, and the three kids I met that will be in my class are ADORABLE. They are smart and silly, exactly the way first graders should be. I was probably more excited than I would have been normally because of how crappy Saturday was, but either way it was delightful. I saw some seals, lions, tigers, monkeys, and wolves. Oh, and otters and zebras! Zoos sort of depress me, but when you are seeing it with kids, theres something really special about it. Also, I may or may not have thought about becoming a teacher all day after that. I didn't realize how much I missed Jews, either.

Perhaps I should brush up on my Hebrew...

But all of this means that Real Life and Adulthood are actually here, and cannot be ignored! I have to plan things around work, consider when I can go somewhere because of work. I have to do my laundry and prepare food at specific and regular intervals because of work. I also have to regulate my nighttime revelry a little better than I had been. I know I am lucky to have a job at all in this economy, and I appreciate that...but change takes a while to adjust to, right!? Plus, 24 years of fun and school (there was that lost year between college and graduate school where I did a very poor impression of an adult...) is not easy to give up. I will figure it out, as I usually do: awkwardly, with a lot of mistakes and fumbles and probably some melt downs.

So when can I go back to school?!

OOOH- before I forget. There IS a difference between getting elephant butt in your pants and properly loose fitting pants. This was a point of some confusion during Spanish/Italian hour last week, and I wanted to clear that up before I forgot. Loose fitting pants, like suit pants (the way they SHOULD fit), or straight legged pants or sailor pants or whatever...they skim your butt but don't fit snuggly around it. And thats the way its supposed to be. However, for jeans or jeans cut cords, or even yoga pants or nice black pants that have some stretch...they are meant to be at least somewhat form fitting, close to the butt, without being grossly tight, right!? Well, when you wear them a lot without washing them in between, or they don't fit quite right, or you've been sitting in them ALLLLL day, they get saggy in the ass...what I so affectionately call Elephant Butt. Usually this sagging is in a terrible circular shape where your ass would go if it were bigger and saggier. There's a distinct difference...I will look for pictures. Surely I am not the only one who knows this!?

I think I should collect work horror stories. Got one to share?! TELL ME!

A Rant

2009-09-17T14:35:00.000-05:00

Unemployment: SUCKS.

Ok, so I know I am not alone in this, and I know I have it better than a bajillion people out there, but you know what?! I don't care. I HATE THIS!!! HATE!

I feel like a completely useless waste of space, and even when I am in a good mood, I still effing hate this! There are a few particular aspects that really get my knickers in a twist:

Meeting new people. So, networking is supposedly this super key part of job hunting. Fine. That's fine. I actually really like meeting new people, asking lots of questions, etc. BUT- meeting new people has recently become rather...awkward. Or at least on my end. A sample convo-

Me: Hi, I'm Andrea. What's your name?
Them: I'm Fred. How's it going?
Me: I'm great, thanks!
Them: Man, I had a long day at work today. How was your day?
Me: (Shit! Do I tell them I lounged on the beach all day? Do I tell them I surfed the internet for jobs and DVDs and this fall's latest fashions?) Today was alright, pretty uneventful. What happened at work today? What do you do?
Them: I am (insert awesome sounding job here) and we had some really intense meetings today. I had been preparing for weeks, and had to give a big presentation in front of the board. What do you do?
Me: Umm...well, nothing actually. I wake up when I want to (though, to be fair I have been getting up at semi-adult hours, just so I don't completely forget how!), mosey over to the gym, maybe the farmer's market. I hang out at local coffee shops, browse the internet for jobs, people watch. I hang out with my friends in the evenings. If I'm feeling ambitious, I do things like put up shelf liner and organize my pantry (which looks amazing, btw.)

Yeah- cuz THATs going to go over well! Now, I never actually answer that way, and I often get a lot of sympathy when I play the "I just graduated with a Master's and I desperately want a job but the economy sucks ass" card. But even then I get the usual questions about what I want to be when I grow up. I tell everyone something different. Because, you know what?! I dont have a freaking clue what I want to be when I grow up. But I can't get any experience anywhere because I'm highly educated, have very little actual work experience, and my 3 month stint in a seriously unhealthy work environment makes me seem like a flight risk. REALLY?!?!? I am willing to work for PEANUTS! I'm like a dream employee if they could just get passed their idiocy!!! GRRR.

Long days. Unless you sleep all day, there are a lot of hours to fill. Job hunting does take time, but not whole days at a time. So what to do with the rest of it!? Pinko recently came up with a list of things to do in my free time, and I have been doing a lot of them. Got a library card and some books (for FREE! this is a big deal for me, especially if you know how much I hate touching used books). Organized my pantry. Putzed around the Farmer's Market. SO much time on the computer. I go to the gym. I read. I watch movies. I sit on my futon and contemplate the weird mark on the wall that REALLY looks like a spider but isn't. Yeah, this is my "I need structure in my life and I HATE not having things to do!" face.

So, volunteering is a good option. Particularly because I really enjoy doing it, it helps people, and it looks good on my resume. You would not BELIEVE how ridiculously complicated it is to volunteer at any quasi-major organization! JESUS. A woman I met the other night suggested One Brick, an online thing that posts opportunities for volunteering but you don't have to commit to any amount of time other than each event you RSVP for- and I'm going to my first one tonight! This is a good start, but I would really like something regular. I will do a whole post on volunteering- because WOAH buddy, the world would be a way better place if all of the potential volunteer power was harnessed WELL. Its not even rocket science...or rocket surgery!

I should give a big THANK YOU here to all of my friends who have been fab and entertaining and play with me as much as possible. Really, would be in a mental ward right now without them. Still...I need more. I need goals. And structure. And to be genuinely busy! Helping Ellen will be good. AAARRGGG. What do you do when you don't have a job!? How do stay at home moms not go crazy?! (I mean, mostly when they are at school!?) Even as a busy mom/wife/whatever, I would need some adult interaction and intellectual stimulation! I need problems to solve. War? Famine? Poverty?! I'll fix it! PLEASE! Honestly, this must be why people stay in school FOREVER.

Money. I have none of my own. Papa Schust is the best daddy on the PLANET, and is helping me out. But this cannot go on forever. Its not fair, or right, and I really enjoy making my own money. I want to buy things without guilt. I want to stop being a burden. I want a 401K and money I can put away for a nest egg and I want to invest, damnit! Plus, part of my boredom stems from the fact that I am trying not to do expensive activities on a daily basis. The Aquarium looks great...but its a no-go until I have some income! Ideas for cheap/free activities??

Anyway, thats just the tip of the Unemployement Rant iceberg. More on volunteering, Ellen's big excitement, my upcoming travel, and Fall Fashion to come!!

Today's Show Brought to You by the Letter "T"

2009-09-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Intelligentsia,

It is with sadness and regret that I write to inform you that you may have been bumped to the number 2 spot on my "Cafe's I Love" list. Granted, it is not a long list, but the competition is stiff, and latte art just isn't enough to keep you in the running anymore. A bit about the other contender:

Cafe: Argo Tea

Location: Broadway and Briar, just a mere 2 buildings away from you!

Hours: Same as yours pretty much!

Internet availability: TWO FREE HOURS! TWO! Not one mere hour per expensive beverage- TWO!

Beverage options: More extensive, albeit more tea related. The Chocolate Biscotti Latte is pretty damn tasty, I'm not going to lie. More food options, but haven't tried any of them.

People watching: Similar, bigger windows through which to see the sidewalk and street.

Other perks: More outlets for computers, more seating- particularly of the comfy chair variety, friendlier staff so far. OH! And they have a LoyalTea Club (UGH...the name bugs me!)- and just for signing up I get a free drink! Where is the free stuff at Intelligentsia I ask you!?

Cons: Music here is pretty lame. Also cold as a witch's teat, very squeaky door, TONS of advertisement posters everywhere.

The moral of the story is this, Intelligentsia: The extra hour of internet alone is enough to make me frequent this cafe more than you! I dearly love you Intelligentsia, but job hunting and blogging and planning and such takes more than an hour. And creative froofy beverages hold a special place in my heart! I'm just saying...

Your ever loving addict,

Andrea S

Smart and Sassy at 25

2009-09-11T09:48:00.001-05:00

Well...it has happened once again. My birthday! (Yes, my birthday is September 11...shut it.e) Woot! I'm not going to lie, getting older doesn't bother me that much- yet- and I really freakin' love my birthday. The Quarter Century Milestone, however, is a kinda big deal. There aren't really any big new activities in which I can partake, but not paying extra to rent a car sure is thrilling...

Well ok...I found a grey hair and completely flipped out. But you would too, right!? I mean, I'm only 25 for gods sake!!!! Its too early to get those! Next thing you know my boobs will be at my knees and my ass will be at my ankles...

ANYWAY-

While the fact that I LOVE the attention surely isn't shocking, its a big part of it to be sure. BUT, I also love cake, and parties, and dressing up. Having an excuse to do all of those things in one day is always acceptable in my book. And some friends from out of town are here to visit...sounds like a pretty awesome day to me. AND I love LOVE love all the phone calls I have been getting from friends I rarely talk to- and I miss them! Phone calls from Italy (where my fab sis is on vacay) are always good, too.

Then theres that whole Day of Mourning/Patriot Day thing. My 17th birthday (9-11-01) sucked ass on so many levels. I have gotten a lot of horrified looks since then, when people find out my birth date (and they tend to love the irony of my being born in '84...), and a lot of suggestions to change my birthday. You know what?! No effing way. I will remember the tragedy...and I will party and celebrate and enjoy the hell out of my self...because if I change my birthday, the terrorists win! And we can't have that...

So here's to today, and to me! A milestone and a gorgeous day.

*Presents can be dropped off at the office in my apartment building. For live animals or gifts too large for the main elevator, the freight elevator is around back. Money will be accepted in any form, but cash is preferred. And for those of you who waited until the last minute, gift cards are always appreciated.*

The Tuesday-tacular Contd

2009-09-08T15:44:00.001-05:00

Today really is Tuesday-tacular! The To Do List does not even stand a chance!! (This is my game face...)

Apparently the hoops were worth jumping through, because I have an interview (read: another interview for the same job...apparently my mediocre Excel skills did not scare them away) in Skokie on Thursday!

AND AndyBear is coming to town on Thursday! WOOT!

AND I found out that the #1 Barista in the US works at my Intelligentsia! HAHA...not only is it amusing that there is a Barista competition, but its extra hilarious that the guy that makes my coffee on a fairly regular basis is the reigning champion.

AND I'm going to Whole Foods...which is pretty much the most exciting grocery store.

Tuesday-tacular

2009-09-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

After writing it, that title seems kinda weird, but its staying anyway. I got a new oven bite last night...just as the old one went away! Anyway, today is going to be spectacular, just because I say so.

Today I am doing research on classes and, more importantly and exciting- dance spots for my birthday! So far, what I've learned is that picking a dance club using internet reviews and a carefully crafted list of criteria may or may not be the best way to go about this- but I don't have much else to go on. YAY for experiments.

Carefully crafted criteria:
1. Specifically has dancing- because a lot of cool bars sorta do but not really. There can't be any excuse for my less dance-y friends to sit out. There will be none of that.
2. If there's cover, it can't be much...we are po' and many of us are unemployed. PLUS, we need money for drinks and brunch the next day.
3. If there's a theme, it has to at least semi fit with me/us- there's a goth club, for example. Not so much my thing.
4. It can't be super far away from my place or from easy public transportation. Period.
5. They can't be really uptight about what we are wearing. While I will warn my people to dress "nicely"...I really don't know what that will end up looking like. I love love love my friends, but we are a casual lot.
6. Not set in stone, but if it says somewhere that Friday night isn't one of the place's best nights, that's an important consideration. Don't wanna go somewhere dead.

Right, so here are the contenders:

The Wild Hare
Neighborhood: Lakeview/Wrigleyville
Near the Red Line, fairly close to my place, known for Reggae, Friday is not one of its best nights supposedly, but all the reviews are great.

Funky Buddha Lounge
Neighborhood: Near North Side
Again, pretty close to the El, have heard good things from friends, cover is out of control if you don't get in early enough, but it has a cool name and pretty good reviews otherwise.

Smart Bar
Neighborhood: Lakeview
Cheap to get in, reportedly expensive drinks inside. Close to the El. Great reviews. Apparently very Euro-club feeling, which I consider a good thing. No one knows dance clubs like the Europeans.

Berlin
Neighborhood: MINE!
Close to my house and literally right next to the El. Not sure how much it costs to get in. A popular spot with gay men, I had fun the time I went there with Purple Sweatshirt and his BF. The drinks are strong and if you are in to electronic music, its a great time dancing!

That's what I have found so far that looks promising. Suggestions welcome!!

Australia

2009-09-08T01:06:00.000-05:00

A country/continent down under with fabulous marsupials and lame ass beer, rivals with the mighty Kiwis and home of the uncouth unwanted convicts of GB....OR...a terrible, terribly hilarious epic adventure comedy drama romance Western war flick featuring Nicole Kidman and her new lips??

You decide!

Hellooooo Chicago!

2009-09-06T22:35:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone! I apologize for being so unpredictable in my posting schedule, but I have been in that weirdo place without any real schedule, and I don't function well that way. The truth is, I function WAY better when I am crazy busy and have too much going on. I am Type A, but only if you let me!!!

Job hunt update:
Basically, job hunting blows. Theres not a ton out there for a person with my particular skill set/list of interests/amount of education/etc. Also, I refuse (at least until Papa Schust pulls the plug) to work for some random company I don't feel good about. I don't mind filing, but I'd rather be paid poorly by a well respected non-profit than a random law firm or real estate company. And I REALLY don't want to ever work in a doctor's office. I got an interview from the very first application I sent out- which was exciting, and nerve racking, and I was certain there was a mistake. Thank god I had just, three days earlier!, purchased that suit! Talk about timing. It was SO exciting! So I went in, wearing a suit, to this huge corporate office building downtown. There was something bizarre and lovely about walking in my heels and suit, surrounded by everyone else in suits, and feeling completely at home. You couldn't hear my heels over the other heels, and the traffic, and I quickly learned the proper way to hold my jacket from the million business people holding theirs too. Even at Starbucks it was like a corporate mixer. (Que Rent: "to riding your bike mid-day past the three piece suits!") The interview went really well, I think, and the more I learned about the position and organization, the more excited I became! Then...the clincher. The recruiter was more than happy to recommend me to them, because I would be a great fit...if I could just take a little computer skills test. An hour, tops.

Shoot me. Now. In the eye. Both eyes.

I had done one of these in the days of temping last year. Talk about hideous deja vu. I have excellent typing skills, and I would not have gotten this far in school if I couldn't use Word or cobble together a half decent Powerpoint. And I have made some really badass fliers on Publisher...but I would not exactly rank myself on any top 100 lists of computer people.

Of course I said I would take the damn tests. I want the job, right?! I did warn her that my Excel skills would not be winning any awards. All I can say is- I was honest.

So eventually I got the email with the link and password and such. I had the pleasure of taking: a typing test, a Word test (normal user), a Proofreading test (BLECH), an Excel test (normal user), a Publisher test, and a Powerpoint test (Power user...umm...excuse me, what?!). I took three tests at the Reg- the typing, the Proofreading, and the Word test. It took almost 2 hours. This was, of course, after she told me they would take like an hour tops. RIIIIGHT. Ok. Fine. I apparently type 65 wpm without any errors, which is pretty decent. My proofreading skills are mediocre, according to the test- which is complete BS, since a lot of the questions were SO poorly worded that I haven't the foggiest idea what they wanted. Clearly THEIR proofreader needs an assistant. The Word test was ridiculous as well. I'll admit, again, that I am not a Microsoft wizard, but seriously?! No one does half of those things EVER. I left after that. You can only do so much of that before wanting to throw things.

Friday, I decide to do the rest of them at home. This is, of course, after reading through SEVERAL pages of Excel info with Pinko, desperately trying to learn anything I can, since my Excel skills are...well...non-existent. I log on to the tests, using Max, and find out that only the Publisher test will work on my Mac...the Ppt and Excel will not. GREAT. I took the Publisher test and was only sort of embarrassing.

Saturday, day of Clam Bake (which, I'll have you know, is a misnomer. The clams are boiled/steamed, and there is no baking involved. LIES! But it was a lot of fun!), I did not make it to the library to finish the tests. But I ate clams and heard Jazz...so whatever. (Seriously, I love Chicago. SO much free, quality entertainment. And thats not even including the people watching!)

Sunday. Today. ALL THE LIBRARIES ARE CLOSED. ALL of them. 79 branches of the Chicago Public Library. Closed. Today AND tomorrow. CRAAAP. UChicago? CLOSED. Craaap. I just needed a PC. One lousy PC. But very few of my friends have PCs. And even fewer live in Chicago. Luckily, one Miss Golf Pro was kind enough to take pitty on a panicked Andrea and let me use her laptop in her fab new apartment after we had coffee at Intelligentsia where I totally showed off by chatting with Adam the Barista. As it turns out, Miss GP now lives on the north end of my neighborhood, which is fantastic! I took the tests, did fairly well, and I am now done with those stupid things forever! YAY!!! Also, watching Spiderman was good times.

The moral of the story is this, my friends: Never put things off. And never underestimate what I will do for a job I really want. And recognize the shitty-ness that is the job search.

Oh, and my nails are a super boring color...I need a job soon so I can stop looking like an old lady.

Viva la unemployment!

2009-09-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if any of you have looked lately (stop looking at me like that...I know several of you have been looking a LOT), but there are some truly hilarious/ridiculous sounding jobs out there. Because the job hunt is like a bad case of acne and just won't go away, I decided to actually look at the many exciting career opportunities that await me. Are you ready for this?! If nothing else, I feel like this is a pretty hilarious list.

Possible career paths: (please, do tell me which you think would be best for me when my dream of world wide domination falls through because of the damn fishing industry in Greenland!)

Illinois Border Patrol Agent (apparently the people from Wisconsin are making their move after all these years!!!)

Secret Service Criminal Investigator (Umm...yes please?!)

Equity Trader- breaking news, fairness is for trade!

Forensic accountant- dealing with the money from dead accountants because they died of boredom from their jobs?

Sports Intern (still not clear on what that means)

Kitchen Designer- now THAT sounds delightful. Sign me up. On the dotted line. Next to the center island with the trash compactor.

Spanish speaking multi-unit retail district manager- this is so ridiculous sounding and would make a great business card

Traffic Supervisor- what sort of traffic? Drug trafficking? Cross walks? Be more specific people!

Ruthless entrepreneur (Not kidding, its listed!)

Dog walker- this does not sound terrible, but there is the distinct possibility that I would steal/dognap several of my clients.

Trade show hostess- can we say bleached hair and bleached teeth and perkyness that makes you want to die?

Secret Shopper- Well..do I get to keep what I buy??

Litigation specialist- not that funny, but fun to say. Try it.

Intake Specialist- again, be more specific! What is being taken in?

Milling machinist- umm...mills!? Really?! In Chicago?!

Quality control inspector- I bet you get those cool stickers, that have your inspector number on them.

Forklift Driver- ok, lets not lie, that sounds awesome

T-shirt screen printer- behold, the opportunity to FINALLY make all the shirts I come up with saying for but never make!

Punch press operator- what the hell is a punch press?!

Upholsterer (also funny sounding)- I always pictured small oompa loompa-esque people doing this

Audiologist- Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?!

Podiatrist- EW. Just EW! I mean...it was bad enough tonight when half my toenail came off in one fell swoop...but to have to deal with stuff like that for a living!? EW.

Loan originator- while I know it is not the case, I feel like this means you are just a person sitting around on a huge pile of money, and people line up to get some from you, and there is another oompa loompa sort of person sitting next to you keeping tabs on your loans.

Refill technician (Refilling what exactly!? Unclear!)- really people, why is this so hard to elaborate on?!

Video transcriber- VHS? Porn? Do tell...

Exotic dancer- nuff said.

Intermodal driver- I feel like the explanation for this job will be VERY anticlimactic

Tattoo artist- hhahahahahahaha...can you see it? Andrea + electric needle + incredibly annoying person= unbelievably inappropriate but unfortunately permanent artwork.

Concrete finisher- we wouldn't want to leave the concrete unfinished...

Loss prevention detective- Ok, what?!

Eyebrow threader- OW. OW. OW.

Colorist (which would be difficult, since I can't see color...har har har)- Hair? Carpet? Leaves? A cheesy drug induced montage is forthcoming

All I can say is.... Viva la unemployment line!

*Disclaimer: There is nothing inherently wrong with these jobs. Some of them have funny names. Some of them seem hideously boring/gross/dangerous/or all of the above, and are really just not for me. Some of them sound super cool. Either way...I'm just the kid on her futon making fun of Craigslist postings...carry on.

PS...

2009-08-31T23:16:00.000-05:00

Pinko is a rockin' photographer...and I may soon owe her a big thanks for helping me get a job. She even brought a lamp...I'm just sayin'. Rumor has it she does bar mitzvahs and the whole bit. Book her early!!!

Holy Crap...I'm an Adult!!!!

2009-08-31T23:01:00.001-05:00

Don't look now, but I may have found a way to pass as a responsible adult sort of person. Apparently you CAN fool some of the people, some of the time!

This is my Woman in Black look. Now where are the aliens?

This is my "No Paparazzi, don't get me from that angle...the other one is better" look:

More in-depth clothing discussion can be found on Ellen's blog. But this is too hilarious not to share multiple times. Seriously.

A Top 10 List

2009-08-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not generally a fan of Top 10 lists, but while talking to Ellen, I started thinking about the reasons I am glad to be finished with school, and graduating on FRIDAY!

10. The commute from my new apartment to Hyde Park really blows.

9. I get to read whatever the hell I want to, and not even feel a twinge of guilt!

8. Getting paid instead of paying outrageous amounts of money sounds like a nice change...

7. Undergrads. No more undergrads!

6. Because staying up until 2 am should be for drinking or sex, NOT because you are writing a paper that is due the next day.

5. The number of pretentious douche bag people I have to deal with on a daily basis will be way lower, and largely controllable!

4. Because real people don't carry backpacks everyday.

3. Did I mention the undergrads???

2. You may now call me MASTER Andrea.

1. FREEEEEDOM!!!! (Say it like in Braveheart, thats how its meant to be heard)

Inspired by Fergie...

2009-08-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

I suppose inspiration has come from stranger places. Or maybe its because I hate cleaning...and cleaning my bathroom made me long for the days of wasting time by blogging instead of being productive! Listening to Fergie definitely makes it less bad...

ANYWAY, ever since coming out of my travel stupor (read: being alone for over a week is like a vortex and is pretty difficult to get out of) I have been running around like a headless chicken (or Kiwi!?) and haven't had a whole lot of time to write. This was, perhaps, a good thing.

This past week, I have stayed out late almost every night, had some very quality time with my fabulous friends, seen a bajillion movies, met new people in my neighborhood, job hunted, planned a revamp of my apartment, attempted to sort through the ridiculous amount of stuff piled on my desk/table, found and purchased adult clothes (read: work appropriate, not porn), picked up all of my graduation stuff (if you look good in cap and gown, we are NOT friends anymore...just FYI), been to the doctor- where I DIDN'T have to wait for over an hour this time!, remembered why I love Chicago so much, and more. So lots going on.

I have learned some interesting, and potentially hilarious tid bits as well, and I feel that I must share them. For example:

Most ducks- and birds in general- have cloacas, holes that are sort of an all in one deal. However, there are some ducks and other water fowl that have penises. In fact, one duck from Argentina (which on average is 16 inches long...this part is important), has a penis that is 17 INCHES!!! The pictures are terrifying, but not nearly as crazy as the fact that one article said that they often use these scary things as LASSOS!!!! Umm...yeah, I am not making it up. Google it!! All of this came about because we were watching Darkwing Duck (Lets get dangerous...) at Jojo's apartment. Because we are too old for this cartoon and because we are geeks, we discussed the different species of bird in the show and how ducks never wear pants...and ended up with all of the above info. My iPhone Ina may or may not have played a key role in all of this. Thanks Ina!! (I think this makes me dislike birds even more...seriously, the pictures were NOT pleasant.)

AND

Kiwi grows on trees! Kiwi birds do not eat kiwi! Who knew!??! While Benjamin suggested that the Kiwi birds LAY the kiwi, my own favorite Kiwi (yes, that is his temporary blog name, shut it, hes from NZ!) asserts that the birds were there first and the fruit was named later. Even though he said that the fruit may not even be native to NZ, I'm going to go ahead an believe him on the rest of it. Naturally all of this made me think of the brief but ridiculous phase I went through as a kid when the only fruit I would eat was kiwi. I'm not sure why my parents indulged that, I guess it was better than me not eating any fruit. But yeah...theres something so delightful about a furry fruit that is a gorgeous green on the inside and SO tasty. Also...people in NZ, not generally fans of the US. I'm not sure why I always assume that other English speaking people will be at least a little bit friendly to the US...but I think this is, in fact, a seriously flawed idea.

Look how much you can learn even when you aren't in school anymore!!!

Because I am not working fast enough, Ellen is picking up the slack...

2009-08-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

This is Ellen, Andrea's big sister, and her newest guest blogger. In
order that I may be freed from the tyranny of evil hipsterdom, and any
further discussion thereof, I have decided to publish this sunniest of
posts regarding one of my most favorite topics: Stuff I Hate.

So, without further ado, I give you Three Things I Hate

1. Unnecessary Wigs
You might be wondering when a wig is ever really necessary. And I
would respond to your query by telling you what a heartless troll you
are, to forget that some people lose their hair way before their time.
Or they are part of some traveling theatre troupe that requires fake
hair.

Unless you are in one of those two categories, I can't think of any
other times when a wig is necessary. The other day, I saw a woman in
a GIGANTIC blond wig. The woman was African-American, which is
apropos of nothing, except the fact that it so obviously was not her
natural hair, both in terms of size and color.

I work in the financial district. All the suits and I were staring openly.

I think the text I sent Andrea went like this: OMG. Wig. Wig! Oh,
god, WIIIIIIGGGG!

Or something.

2. Naysayers
These are the people who dismiss your every idea. You announce you
are house hunting, and they talk about how hard it is to get a loan.
You say you want to learn French, they remind you that you decided you
wanted to learn Italian not 6 months ago and can't you stick with
anything long term? You tell your parents you want to be a fireman
when you grow up, and they talk about how dangerous it is and how it
will be impossible to get life insurance.

These people can bite me. If I come to you with a bat shit crazy-ass
idea like quitting my job and finding myself at a damn ashram in
Tibet, I expect you to control your urge to roll your eyes and
freaking wish me luck.

That is, if you are my friend. If you are not my friend, it will be
obvious by the way to try to talk me out of the idea.

There is one exception to this. Some friends are good at playing the
devil's advocate. I'm great at playing the devil's anything. And
sometimes, it's important to play it, so your friend can get a fuller
picture of their new endeavor (i.e., quitting their job, buying a new
house, whatever). But at the end of the day, it's kind of their life.
And you can either get on board, or get left behind.

Ultimately, we want what's best for our friends/siblings/kids, and
what makes them happy, even if we can't identify. Right? Right?!

3. Close-Standers, noun
Definition: The people behind you in line who are literally up your
ass the entire time. Every time you take a step forward, they do too.
If you turn sideways, they are now in your face.

Listen up, people! This is unacceptable. We live in a space-conscious
society. If you don't like it, you are welcome to leave/die/bite me.
I don't care if you are doing on purpose or by accident, it's not ok.

Not only do I want some space between us, I really, REALLY don'y want
you touching me. So if I turn sideways and stick my foot out so I can
reclaim some of the space that is obviously MINE, I do not expect that
you will step on my foot. I expect that you will BACK THE HELL OFF.

There you have it. If you are very good, I will send another guest
post Andrea's way in future.

Breaking News: Blog Pirates Strike Again

2009-08-17T20:43:00.000-05:00

I discovered the wanna be hipster piracy early this morning, and I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. I wanted to be angry, pissed that Jojo had the balls to do that, and do it well, but alas...it seems we have found a talented guest blogger. While my computer Max is clearly not safe left in the hands of such ironic evil, my dear readers remain in good hands.

Still Jojo...I will not hesitate to text you at even more ungodly hours- and get you an effing parrot to go with your soon to be wooden leg- if this happens again.

Glad we cleared that up!

There are many tales to be told of the Great European Adventure of 2009, but between my jet-lag induced stupor and my residual Traveler's Tummy, I haven't been able to sort out my pictures and notes and such. (And I was busy watching Firefly on hulu compulsively...but really, such a good rainy Monday for that!) I guarantee there will be posts galore in the next few days. AND- please note the new background color. Easy to read, even though my blog now appears to have hypothermia. I DON'T want to hear if you don't like it. I don't care.

I do feel as though I should respond to the Jojo (tragically something, thats for sure) commentary. Hipsters are an interesting choice of topic, for some one so desperately trying to hide his desire to be a bona fide member of the melting pot of hipster counter culture. :) Jojo is actually a lot more hipster than he gets credit for- aside from the bikes and skinny jeans and the fact that he managed to say crux AND cunt in one article- he genuinely has a sometimes scary amount of knowledge of all sorts of random and interesting things, and even if no one else thinks they are cool or worth hearing about, he still does. And THAT is what makes a hipster, well, that and his raggedy ass vans. Still needs to work on the cool glasses though.

But really, why are hipsters such a big deal at all? Yes, they are cooler than us. But that's not exactly a new category. What I find interesting about them is that they have changed what makes someone cool and important and powerful- well, okay, not completely, but its getting there. It is no longer about the latest hair style or car (Yes yes, I am talking about a specific group of people here...the lowly masses will always be, well, the lowly masses)- though they certainly have ideas about those. Instead, it is now about knowledge, and not just school book knowledge. Now you just have to be able to legitimately argue your way out of a challenge, or at least more than the other person, and you have to be able to back your shit up! Trendy outfit or not, if you can't back up why you think Obama's healthcare plan is bull or which band had the super secret backwards track (Clearly I am NOT a hipster!), then you're out. I think that intimidates people. I know sometimes it intimidates me, and I am not easily intimidated by prepubescent looking kids with bad hair and torn shoes who use the word ironic WAY too much (or is that just Jojo...?). By being hip (har har har) in a very public and culturally significant way, they have taken what geeks have struggled to do forEVER and finally made it cool to be a complete and utter nerd. (Mind you, I'm willing to bet that no matter HOW much knowledge a kid has about the damn Dead Kennedys or the Succession movement in Vienna, the hipsters will not suffer Vulcan ears or mullets in their ranks...even hipsters have standards!)

The douchebag thing needs to go, though. Yes, it is awesome that cool is now equated with some intense level of knowledge that doesn't come from People magazine. I'm not sure why we feel the need to, and I quote, "turn into colossal assholes" and make a person's deficiencies so painfully clear to the rest of the audience, but apparently that comes with the territory. And you know what? I don't think that has anything to do with hipsters. I think that has to do with smart kids...ok, smart people...trying to prove how smart they are. I am not a hipster (obvi), but I often find myself pulling one of those hipster moves, and most of the time its unnecessary. It sure as hell makes a good movie scene (read: Good Will Hunting!) to call someone out on their crap, but most of the time it just reveals how big of an insecure jackass you really are. Its certainly better when the person doing it actually IS quite intelligent, because often they in fact are not, but the point remains.

Should we judge them for their unkempt hair and terrible shoes? No, probably not. (But that wont stop us, be honest!) Should they bust out ever last fact they know about why (insert something you love here) is so terrible for the (choose one: environment, community, geopolitical balance of power)? No! Lets not, in all of this hipster glorification, forget that they are judgy too! There should definitely be more conversing with them, if they will deign to share their sacred spot in the independent coffee shop with us. I would love to be friends with more hipsters, actually. The friends I have that are most hipster-ish...well, I highly enjoy them...so why not? Lets just never go shoe shopping together, ok?

Also:
1. Peewee Herman had a great TV show, and was a SUPER sketchtastic man. Also, talking chairs are creepy.
2. Counterculture strikes again. And it does have a stupid name. Though, if you had looked at a damn calendar, none of that had to happen. ;) (HAD to...you know I had to!)
3. You injured people on the trail!??! How many points!?
4. She definitely does not know why, I wish you had told her. And dude, watch your effing language. This is a FAMILY blog.

hopefully this is the worst hijacking you experience...

2009-08-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

Given that I have been tasked with ensuring Andrea’s apartment does not blow up (so far, so good), and because she foolishly trusts me not to screw things up (don’t worry, I hid what I broke well…you’ll never miss it), I, the tragically beautiful Jojo, have decided to steward (read: hijack) Andrea’s intelligent and sassiful blog.

Though my post does not directly concern fashion, nor Chicago, I plan to write on a topic of the utmost importance to all of our lives. I am, of course, referring to hipsters.

People hate hipsters. The only people who don’t hate hipsters are hipsters themselves, or people who are steadily “hipster-izing” themselves, consciously or unconsciously. The ire people feel toward hipsters is incredibly strong, yet is very difficult to elucidate. The more a person hates hipsters, the more he/she cannot explain his/her feelings. As a person who is slowly being pigeonholed toward hipster-dom (unfairly, I believe…there’s nothing wrong with funny glasses, skinny jeans, or fixed gears, and I came by all of those interests honestly!), I have thought a great deal about why people disdain hipster so much. And I believe I know why:

Hipsters are honestly cooler than us. And they make us look like poseurs.

Now, bear with me: my argument unfolds in three parts.

First, hipsters seem to have hijacked counterculture. I think most will agree with me here: big glasses, stupid looking clothes, odd music, most hipsters have either found one corner of counterculture and exploited it, or combined different pieces of counterculture movements (think of the guy who listens to folk and dresses like a new waver). These countercultures are not limited to music, but range across all sorts of human interests: fashion, alcohol, sports (especially cycling), literature, philosophy, science, architecture, and on and on. Understandably, those who originally habited this corner of counterculture usually have a strong reaction against these newcomers; the last newcomers were poseurs, and hipsters often seem a great deal like poseurs at first.

Inconveniently hipsters aren’t poseurs, which leads to the second part of my argument. When poseurs come around, it’s easy to weed them out: simply raise the conversion to entirely theoretic levels, or discuss minutiae so inane only a ‘true ______’ (punk, hippie, fashionista, cyclist, architecture fanatic, poet, literati, whatever) would have the knowledge and vocabulary to contribute to the discussion. But, and here is the crux of the argument, hipsters have that knowledge! Indeed, unlike the superficial poseurs, many hipsters (the stereotype) know so much about the culture they are exploiting, they can make natives of that culture look like poseurs. Granted, this isn’t always true with all hipsters. But the next time you see a hipster, withhold your judgment and engage that person in a conversation. You’ll realize that many of them are just as knowledgeable as you are about your specific counterculture. Indeed, often they are more knowledgeable. Which brings us to my third point:

Hipsters are douchebags, but only because the rest of us counterculturals are too. Think of how the counterculture deals with poseurs: by turning into colossal assholes and displaying to everyone present that the poseur is just that, an untrained buffoon unable to tell the difference between Beck and the Dead Kennedys (or, if we are feeling especially cruel, we’ll make even more absurd contrasts, like between Pink Floyd with and without Sid Barrett). So, then, what happens when a hipster meets a supposed member counterculture? The former tests the knowledge of the latter, with an air of disbelief in your devotion. And when the hipster turns out to know more than you, which one of you is the poseur?

Thus, hipsters make all of us who used to be the avant garde of the counterculture look like poseurs. And not because of some vile trick, but because we got lazy with keeping up our knowledge, and because we spent the last decade defending ourselves against poseurs instead of accepting those interested in counterculture. We have summarily damned newcomers (n00bs), closed our doors to refugees of popular culture, and been content to enjoy our difference.

Now, I’m not saying we should renovate the ramparts, reinforcing our defenses against this ‘invasion.’ Let’s be honest, the hipsters all already here, and they are a lot cooler than we are. Instead, I suggest we engage in an honest discussion with ourselves and with hipsters. Don’t summarily damn all hipsters, they very well could just be the new wave of punks, bike messengers, and fashionistas. Reaction is for conservatives and aristocrats. Find hipsters, talk to them, learn from them, make friends! Don’t become the Old Guard, jealously guarding small venue concerts and denying your favorite hobbies to the rest of the world.

--Jojo

To honor my other favorite blog, Bob+Blog=Blob, I will finish with some post-scripts:
1) I was watching Peewee Herman’s Christmas Special the other day. Did anyone ever notice that show was filled with hot women in skimpy outfits?
2) I hate Lollapalooza. Why do people think a concert/festival with 123478921734987235 bands and 789123489028139048209134 people is fun? And why are tickets $arm+leg+first born child? Plus it has a stupid name.
3) I love drunk people on the lakefront trail. I have personally injured 2 this week while riding my bike and barely interrupted my momentum. Take that dumbasses!
4) I saw a girl wearing a pair of really cute, skimpy red shorts that made her ass look awesome. They also had “I love cunt” printed on the right ass cheek. I laughed out loud, right behind her. Think she knows why?

Ummmm

2009-08-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

I never EVER ever thought I would say this, but here it is anyway:

I am over Italian food!

I have tried something different at every meal, so its not that. Im an American, damnit- I need variety!!!

A Letter

2009-08-09T11:12:00.001-05:00

Dear Fellow Tourists and Random People on the Streets of Italy,

Hello. My name is Andrea. I am an American, but you didn't know that because I have made a concerted effort not to be an obnoxious American tourist. Apparently, none of you have similar concerns!

I am hereby requesting that you all take a moment to reflect on your past and current behavior, and SERIOUSLY consider GOING HOME.

Even if we move past your hideous, tragic, retina searing, and occassionally cute but overly trendy outfits, there are a million other things going on that are unacceptable. I hate to list things, but...I also hate you, so whatever:

1. Stepping on my toes is rude in EVERY country. Elbowing my boob because you are too lazy to move over is rude in every country. Oh wait, trucking me over on the teeny tiny Italian sidewalks, even though I have clearly tried to make room for both of us is...wait for it...RUDE IN EVERY COUNTRY.

2. I am a non-smoker. You can tell that because I dont reek, Im not hacking up a lung on you, and I dont anxiously look for the closest patio in every single museum so that I can go have a smoke instead of looking at the masterpieces I paid 10 effing Euros to see. This being said, if you want to waste your money and your time smoking, fine, but could you at least try not to involve me in this endeavor!? It makes me ill, and if I puke on you because of that, I will not feel bad. Just like you didnt feel bad blowing smoke in my face or stepping on my toes.

3. Things I should never have to see, but unfortunately I have seen a LOT of lately: your underwear, your nipples, your asscrack, your crotch, bulge, general pubic area, your snot, the entire contents of your life spilled out in unfortunate places (on purpose), how you get it on with your significant other- really, if I wanted porn, I would find my own.

4. WAIT YOUR EFFING TURN. I know that a distaste for lines, or queues, or long ass waits in the sun, whatever you want to call them, is something we have in common. As such, one might expect a seriously unpleasant reaction when you CLEARLY see me standing there, next in line, and you think it is ok to go in front of me!!?!?! Are you kidding me!?! People have died for less! Saying excuse me, in ANY language, does NOT make it ok. I know how to stand up for myself in several languages, but if none of those are working for you, I can punch you in the face to make it more clear. Vale? Va bene? Capito? Yeah...thats what I thought.

5. No really does mean NO! No, I dont want to buy your fake stuff. No, I dont want to give you money. No, I definitely do not want you touching me. And for gods sake, NO, I do not want you to inappropriately badger me to have sex with you, marry you, and take you to the US. HELL NO! So when I scowl at you and say no, probably after a few attempts at doing this politely, take me at my word!!

6. This one is especially for the large group tours- yeah thats you Asians!-for whom I have a respect that comes from dealing with large groups of people. But really?!?! You do not get the ENTIRE place to yourselves! Others still need to see things, move places, BREATHE, and quite possibly enjoy their time as well. I probably wont take as many pictures as you, and I KNOW I wont carry as many obnoxious toursity things like parasols and tripods as you, but I am a legitimate tourist as well, so please move the hell over and get out of my way.

7. People with children (remarkably, you all seem to have HUGE families...what happened to that declining birth rate!?): While I think you are completely idiotic for bringing your children to some of these sights and expecting them to behave or enjoy themselves, if you chose to make such a stupid mistake, you are responsible for keeping them in line- and QUIET. Museums arent great places for them to get their energy out! I pay a lot of money to see these amazing pieces of art, and when I finally get to see them, I think it is completely SHITTY of you to let your kids ruin that for me. And no, a kid screaming and pointing at a painting or statue or well, anything, is not adorable!!!! Get it together people!

So, that was a lot of ranting, and there is plenty more, but frankly I dont think your fragile tourist brains can handle it. All I am saying is that if I flip shit on you during hour number 3 in line in the sun, dont say I didnt warn you!!!

Props to the many Americans I have met or seen who have been perfectly lovely and pleasant, and have made me proud to say I am from the US! Though, if we are honest, wearing a shirt that says California in huge letters on the back is really unnecessary. Oh, and kudos to the many Brits and Spaniards who have helped me or chatted with me or shared a laugh at the other idiots.

Thanks...and really, I hear stay-cations are really trendy in the economic downturn. Consider that!

Andrea "I dare you to do that again, cheese eating surrender monkey!" S.

Nota bene: while the other tourists are a GIANT pain in the arse, The Birth of Venus is TOTALLY worth it, and I am having a lovely time. Wine and pasta, anyone?

A quick Buonasera from Italia

2009-08-08T11:21:00.000-05:00

Hello fabulous readers! I have found the internet, and it is GOOOOOD. Our hotel in Florence has computers and internet and I have to tell you, it almost makes up for the outrageously tiny bathroom and the hideous decor in the room. Almost. :)

My trip has been pretty crazy so far, and I am keeping detailed notes for the many entries to come, but I couldnt resist a little hello...and a request for news, gossip, funny stories, anything. Particularly when I will be flying solo, which I love, but it will make checking my email more entertaining and less...well, depressing I guess.

I finished the most amazing book, Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life, and it made me seriously happy. Read it. Really. One thing I love about vacation is the time to read. After long days of trekking around in the blazing sun and seeing oodles of 2000 year old monuments, its always nice to curl up in the AC with a good read.

A few observations slash things I should mention before I forget:

Its good to know that, for the most part, Italians have left the 80s, but it seems that they have not landed on a new decade, and I really think they should work on that. Their fashion is nothing if not hectic and confused. Also, it seems that bras are completely optional, but I also noticed that the women with men were wearing bras, and the ones without bras were also, at that moment anyway, without a companion. Coincidence?

Their dogs are ugly. End of story.

I am popular here. And I like it. More on that to come.

I am getting REALLY good at picking out where people are from, and its a highly amusing game, especially while in line. The best is when they totally LOOK like they are from one place (I may or may not be racist, but when you see an Asian person, your first instinct is to assume they are from...Asia!?), and then they bust out a completely different language- like when said Asians started speaking French. I TOTALLY didnt call that one!

Apparently my one semester of college Italian was enough to impress people. Clearly they dont see a lot of tourists with any Italian skills at all. Its really hard not to just speak to them in Spanish.

One of the highlights so far has been mailing postcards from the Vatican City post office. Were you special enough to get one? Check the post!

Americans are so not even CLOSE to the most annoying tourists I have seen, and that is both reassuring and depressing. Plus one for Americans, minus one for tourists everywhere. Ive got my eye on you, and you know who you are!! Step on my toes again, I DARE you!

I am addicted to gelato. Strattiacelli flavor, to be precise.

I am also becoming addicted to alone time. Hanging out in the park, reading and writing, was perhaps the best hour I have had in a very long time. Could I possibly become less of a social butterfly!!?!? Discuss.

Va bene, more later, I am certain. Ciao!

Another F!!!!

2009-07-31T11:08:00.000-05:00

F is ALSO for Fuck You, Penguin...a most hilarious site! Today's post features a pit bull and a fawn and is AMAZING. He even outlines his thought process for how he would write a post on it.

LOVE IT.

F is for Friday, and the hideous outfit I just saw

2009-07-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

Part of the reason I love Intelligentsia, and my whole neighborhood really, is the people watching. I looooove people watching. Partly because I love to judge, and partly because I like seeing people's different ideas for self expression...and partly because I am seriously ADD and I would be outrageously bored without it.

Today I witnessed a tragedy of the highest order. An outfit tragedy, if you will.

Picture it: Woman, dark-ish skin, beautiful hair and face, fairly petite- definitely short, probably late 20s early 30s. Teeeeeeeny tiny white tank top, see through, showing bra. Itty bitty denim skirt with tattered edges in a very 80s light wash and what may or may not have been sparkles. High heeled slouchy boots, light brown, WITH TASSLES, up to her knees because she was WAY too short for those boots. She was teetering around in these heels, almost fell on me...she even had feather earrings (and not in a cool boho chic sort of way, in an "I just went to a reservation and bought something to stick in my ears" sort of way)- it was SO bad. She had such potential...thats when its the worst, when the high level of potential is so thoroughly abused and neglected. F for you, teeny tiny tragedy.

Awesome music today in the cafe. My favorite guys are working. The beautiful bike repair guy was in here...though I'm certain he neither noticed nor recognized me. But dear lord it is FREEZING in here! Note to self: when sitting inside, always order the hot beverage!!!

Wow...now that I think about it, today has a lot of F's: Friday, F outfit, Freezing cafe, and Fabulous weather that just happens to be perfect for beach volleyball! But really people- no tassled boots and no skirts that look like they were abused in the 80s. Deal?

T-minus a few hours

2009-07-30T11:59:00.001-05:00

So the goal is to be done with this POS by sometime this afternoon- possibly excluding some footnote work. I am THIS close to being done, just fixing transitions and adding some points and thoughts to make it less POS-ish. I am also currently sitting on a couch by the giant windows at my gym, facing the guys (and girls, but they are less exciting) on the rock wall, trying to ignore my intense anxiety about the footnotes and last minute additions to my thesis that have been the root cause of my intense stomach ache for the last two/three days. Its not going well.

Have I mentioned lately that I HATE my thesis? And the stomach pain that seems to come with virtually EVERY intense academic experience or stressful event in my life. I get it, body, I'm stressed and anxious and terrified and worried...but this whole pain thing isn't helping!!!

Neither is the sight of women in yoga pants wearing undies 3 sizes too small...

Heres to the end of this road. It has been long, twisted, and bumpy, but I will look back on it with pride, contempt, hysterical laughter, and a wee bit of nostalgia. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Now wheres my drink!?

Weirdo Wednesday

2009-07-29T11:46:00.000-05:00

So, you know its going to be a weird day when the first person with whom you come into contact is a flaming gay man talking about his latest fling in vivid detail on the phone while helping you FedEx something- all while he is in the middle of eating and doing his nails!

Then on the El I sat across from an otherwise fairly attractive woman (who had her legs open for business while wearing her cute black dress!) who had NEON yellow toenails and puke orange fingernails. EW.

When I was at the dermatologist, we had a whole conversation about Tobias Funke- one of the most hilarious characters EVER- as she rubbed acid on my skin. I kept thinking about the disease his hair implants gave him and was simultaneously terrified and overcome with giggles.

On the way home, I had a whole car on the El to myself! WOOT! (Read: weird but awesome!) On the bus, I saw a woman with the WORST panty line ever- Im sayin', this lady had FOUR buttcheeks, not two! And her friend was showing a good solid 2 inches of ass crack- which is 3 inches too many!!! In the elevator up to my apartment I met two guys who work at Medieval Times (wow, I just had to look up how to spell that...what a stupid spelling of a word!) and were comparing how their asses looked in their tights while they joust, or whatever they do there.

And its not even noon!

You're going to tell that to a girl who just spent craploads on European travel!? COME ON!!!!

2009-07-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

I know I am supposed to be working on my thesis, and I have a little bit today, but one of the main things I have done today is go through my extensive To Do Before Europe list and check things off. I took Franz in for a tune up, I picked up my meds, I booked hotels in Vienna and Munich. I booked a train ticket. And then I decided it would be a grand idea to make an itinerary for dad and my friends and such, just in case- with all the useful info, etc. In so doing, I dug up all my confirmation emails.

Thats when I realized something was VERY wrong with the dates on my tickets for our trips between Rome and Florence. VERY VERY wrong- so wrong, in fact, that the dates booked are several days after I get back to the effing USofA. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I checked the paper tickets, too...and sure enough, somehow in spite of checking the dates SEVERAL times, they have us going to AND from Florence on the same day at the same time...after we get back. Very useful. I'm convinced its because they list dates in reverse- with the day first instead of the month. But really?! Talk about a bad situation!! So, now I am on hold (8 minutes and counting...) with RailEurope to fix the damn situation.

While I appreciate the blog material, this is seriously becoming a huge pain in the ass.

Also, its extra fun to be talking to a complete idiot while trying to rectify a situation like this- because god knows I love that.

So now I get to overnight the wrong tickets and hope to god the right ones arrive on time! Jesus H (Horatio, obvi) Christ.

Well, crisis averted, I think. Glad I checked on that.

Stupid customization

2009-07-28T00:08:00.001-05:00

Now its ugly AND hard to read!!!! Craaaap.

I smell like fire! And the outdoors!

New color...

2009-07-27T13:37:00.000-05:00

I changed the background color, just for Pinko. Thoughts? Too dark? I care about your retinas!

Europe Update

2009-07-27T11:07:00.001-05:00

Though I know many of you are not interested in the shoes or bag I will be using while on my European adventure, some of you are...and either way, I don't care.

I have the best sister- EVER. Aside from the multiple fabulous characteristics we share, she is one of the only people I know that actually understands my slightly irrational need to have the perfect bag and shoes for a trip such as this, and she has helped to make my dream of the perfect European adventure bag come true. (Its name has yet to be determined, I am taking suggestions)

Meet my new bag: technically, it is a Tano called Petite Larceny, which I think is actually a pretty cool name.

Its a cross body bag, zips- which is super key for avoiding theft, and is small enough to avoid schlepping a ton but big enough to fit what I need. So basically its perfect!!

And there you have your dose of fantastic fashionista commentary for the day. :)

Chicago Adventures: Wicker Park Edition

2009-07-26T14:52:00.000-05:00

While the deadline for The Beast gets closer and closer (I will be finished on Friday, no matter what!!!!), I have managed to squeeze in a ton of fun stuff, and not much sleep. So I am sitting in the smelly glass room at the Reg with Purple Sweatshirt wanting nothing more than a nap- because if I don't have one soon, I will collapse and die in the Reg...and thats just tacky.

Wicker Park Fest started yesterday- yet another summer festival! But because there is some sort of hipster cool kid allure to Wicker Park, I wanted to go and a bunch of other people said they would too...so...to Wicker Park it was!

I woke up late, because we were out late Friday also, and so I didn't get all cute for the damn street fair, and really, who does!? Its a street fair!!! Oh wait, the people in Wicker Park obviously didn't get that memo! I was in jeans and pumas and a tank top with my backpack- very urban explorer!hahaha- and tons of people were in dresses, heels, and outfits that looked work/happy hour appropriate. Ummm...hello? Its a Saturday afternoon and they are selling funnel cakes and corn dogs over there...really!?

I took the bus to get there, and in standard Andrea fashion got there pretty early. While waiting for Miss Eyeball, I decided to check out some of the shops and boutiques. Much to my chagrin, a lot of the sales people were really rude and snarky- and definitely treated me differently than other shoppers. While I obviously don't look like I am going to buy a size zero satin sop for $350, I was pretty pissed. What the hell kind of business plan includes: Be rude to people who don't look like you would want to be friends with them, who might not fit the size XXS, and who could probably kick your teeny tiny heel and mini clad ass. Isn't it just good business to be nice to EVERYONE who looks at your store? I'm not an MBA or anything, but I feel like ignoring me while talking about sales and new merch to other women right next to me is just effing obnoxious and poor practice. This even happened in an accessories store- where size is NOT an issue! I shake my fist at you, stupid shop girls! I hope you trip on your ugly ass stiletto.

Anyway, once Miss Eyeball arrived, everything got way better. We went into the WPF, dodging children, hipsters, hipster wanna-bes, tons of fabulous puppies and more to explore the art booths, random stores along the street, and- my favorite- the free button making booth. I'm pretty sure it was a religious group of some sort, but whatever, I got a free button, and thats what counts. Miss Eyeball tried on some hilarious hats and we found a cute salon/soap place with stuff that smelled awesome and looked like dessert.

I had heard about a boutique in Wicker Park that was apparently amazing and has tons of cute clothes just for me, so we went on an adventure to the part of the neighborhood with the author names (the store is on Dickens, just south of Shakespeare and north of Homer!), and it was just as great as advertised! The women were friendly, helpful, and hilarious! They didn't make me feel like I should buy anything that I didn't absolutely love, and they were really honest about anything that wasn't really fabulous on me. Even Nordstrom sales people aren't THAT good! I got a really cute dress and a skirt- and I have a new favorite store in town. Its just a shame its in that neighborhood!

Miss E and I went back to the Fest to meet up with Benjamin, Lord Shuckleberry, and Lord S's guest Miss Foodie. After agreeing that the button booth really was the best part, we went for coffee and then went on yet another adventure- down to this bizarre industrial wasteland between Pilsen and Chinatown. Nightwood is an amazing restaurant- everything we had was really delicious, the service was great, my sangria was A++, and I couldn't have asked for better company! I had broccoli soup and woodsmoked trout (without the head, please!), and I am happy to say that I really didn't have plate envy. It helped that everyone shared so much. My plate of warm cookies for dessert made me incredibly happy, and sleepy.

With happy stomachs, we headed back to the Nice Side for a housewarming/bday shindig up on the north end of my neighborhood. Qiwi has an AWESOME place- its a two bedroom with a huge porch and great brick everywhere- I'm incredibly jealous. My kitchen is better though...so...anyway. There were a bunch of people there that I didn't know, but it was good times. I stayed out SO late- haven't done that in a while, but it was certainly worth it.

Benjamin mentioned how its odd that now when we go to parties, its pretty standard to bring something with you, usually drinks- it used to be that the person hosting the party provided everything. At the time, I didn't have a great answer to this conundrum, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is a function of our life stage. We are young and pretty poor, so to have a good party with enough drinks and such for everyone gets pretty expensive- the moral of the story being we simply can't afford the sort of parties we all enjoy...and the extent of our alcoholism. When we are older, and ostensibly have meaningful paychecks, parties will revert back to being completely stocked by the host. PLUS- its just polite to bring something.

Anyway, got home at 4 am, woke up 5 and a half or six hours later (I know, moms sleep way less than that, but I'm not a mom!) to a headache and thoughts of a long day at the library that made me more ill than any hangover ever.

So I have spent the day at the library...doing all sorts of non-thesis related things, occasionally going over my paper and the suggestions my amazing sister made- which are excellent, and helpful, and the whole paper makes me want to go in the corner and curl up for the rest of the week.

I did have an interesting conversation about penguin movies (this was at the party) with thumping sound tracks and porn music for the mating scenes, that would be AMAZING, and only $13.99. AND I had a very long, disturbingly hilarious convo (this was at the library) about organ harvesting and selling, prompted of course by the article about the Rabbis involved in an illegal (obvi) organ trafficking deal/scheme/clusterfuck. I know a girl who knows a girl who is willing to sell a kidney AND an egg for a mere $2100 (I got it down from $2500) if anyone is interested. Also...lets be very clear, because apparently there was confusion- there is NO way to make organ trafficking ok. None. Ever. End. Of. Discussion. :)

Also, because this has turned in to a 2 day post (read: Sunday was the most unproductive day spent at the library EVER- but involved good times and new people and CRAZY weird movies), I should mention that Jojo's best friends from home are in town. They are, personality-wise, exactly what I expected based on his descriptions, and are pretty damn hilarious. And they abuse Jojo, which is funny on multiple levels, but is sufficiently different from the abuse dealt out by me and Pinko (renaming coming soon, but not willingly) so that now, during their visit, he really can't escape and may end up in a fetal position in the corner somewhere. Also, its funny (read: funny bizarre, not funny hilarious), but it seems that there is a lot of truth behind the idea that every group of friends has these sort of roles/characters that are assumed, and when you mix two groups of really close friends, the similarities are startling. It happened when Jojo and Pinko met my LA friends, and it happened again last night. Not in a bad way, but its interesting how that works out. And I think it says a lot about the people we are attracted to.

The end.

Another Strongly Worded Letter

2009-07-22T09:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Obnoxious Construction Workers in the Apartment Above Mine,

It is before 9 am! I was ASLEEP. In fact, for the first time in MONTHS, I was sleeping without thinking about my god forsaken thesis- and you RUINED IT. I am pissed. The insanely loud noise from whatever you are doing, even if completely necessary, really sucks. So does your screaming to each other- don't think I don't understand your Spanish! My whole apartment was shaking, damnit! SHUT THE HELL UP.

Or at least warn me before hand that earthquake-esque rumblings and stadium quality sounds will be coming from above!

Also, stop smoking in the apartment building. Stop showing so much ass crack. Stop looking me up and down when I pass by- I'm not cute in my gym clothes, so you are sketchy AND you have bad taste! Stop giving me looks when I take the elevator and you have to take the stairs. I PAY for the elevator...you simply lower the quality of life in my building.

I feel that if nothing else, you guys owe me a lot of coffee. And possibly a muffin. Because I was so rudely jarred from my sleep before acquiring an adequate amount (look at all the q's I'm using! I love q's), I now have to go to Starbucks (its closer) instead of Intelligentsia, just so I can do laundry without screwing it up. Shame on you, Obnoxious Construction Workers, shame on you.

I will refrain- for now- from marching up there and flipping out on you, because for the most part, you are just doing your job. So instead I will yell at the people in the office. But tomorrow, OCWs, tomorrow there will be none of this. Vale?! Don't test me, OCWs, it will only end badly for you.

Sincerely,
Andrea "What the F*** is that Noise?" S.

Introducing...

2009-07-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

Malta!

Maltese dogs, The Maltese Falcon...we hear references to Malta on a semi-regular basis, but does anyone actually know anything about it? Did you know its a member of the EU, uses the Euro, and is so tiny that even Wikipedia had to zoom in for a good picture of its location!? Since the past few months have brought to my attention the incredible lack of geographic knowledge we (read: my friends, family, and even on occasion, me) have, I have diligently gone through the Wikipedia article on Malta and picked out some of the more interesting tidbits. So now when you meet someone new, you can start a conversation about Malta and seem really smart and worldly...because its probably a safe bet that they don't know shit about Malta either!

Republic of Malta

*Official languages: Maltese and English- ousted Italian in 1934

*Its an archipelago of 7 islands (How can you not love the word archipelago!?)

*Gained independence from the big GB in 1964, became a republic in 1974

*Member of the EU (since 2004), the UN (obvi), and the Schengen agreement

*Home of the Megalithic Temples, which are the oldest free standing structures on Earth!

*Thought to be the location of Atlantis

*Population in 2008: 413,000

*Name comes from the Greek word for honey

*The first settlers in 5200 BCE are thought to be responsible for the extinction of the dwarf hippos and dwarf elephants that were living there- those bastards!

*Connections with Italy...and Roman Catholicism. No need to go more into that...

*Knights of Malta (not to be confused with the Knights of Nee, Knights Templar, or the Knights of the Round Table!): After being driven out of Rhodes, they needed a home, so King Charles I of Spain gave them Malta (Generous guy, that one). They are responsible for a lot of building, and a plague! They got screwed by Napoleon (yeah, yeah, get in line)- and were none too pleased. So they rebelled, and with the help of the Brits (because an enemy of my enemy is my friend!?), they kicked some Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey ass! And then they asked to be a part of the British Empire...which they lived to regret, I'm sure.

*1989, Malta was the place where Bush and Gorbachev met for the first time and signaled the end of the Cold War...go Malta!

*Highest voter turn out for any country that doesn't have mandatory voting (really, how hard can it be with so few people!?)

*Major resources include limestone, location, and a productive work force. Oh dear...

*Films shot on Malta are a huge source of income...I guess that whole location thing really works for them.

*They are nutters and drive like Brits. Look both ways!!!

*Air Malta is their airline that goes to a whopping 36 places.

*They have a military...which I find hilarious.

*Has one of the highest population densities in the world. Fat population in a little island...

*The Maltese language is CRAZY: Its Semitic (shut it), borrows from Italian, Sicilian, French and English, mostly uses the Latin alphabet, but also uses funky letters from Polish, Esperanto, and Arabic.

*Socialized medicine...even the freaking Maltese are ahead of us...they are ranked FIFTH in the WHO healthcare rankings! Damn!

*Turns out, tons of famous artists went to Malta and painted- like Carravaggio!

*Culturally similar to Israel/Palestine and Morrocco

*The big sports there are soccer, snooker, bocci ball, and whatever sport has the Mosconi Cup

So there you have it. A teeny tiny island with a lot of people who can't pick an alphabet or a sport that doesn't make me giggle. Sounds like a good conversation starter to me!

REALLY?!

2009-07-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Not to run, or see the beach- to work on my POS thesis that, at this point, sucks ass and makes me want to cry on an hourly basis.

I didn't hit snooze, I didn't hesitate. I got up, sat in front of my computer, and decided that I finally understand hell. Blood, gore, explosions and heat are not necessary to experience hell. Just thesis. I could barely open my eyes all the way, but I did. I finished up a section! It was great. And then I realized that I was about to collapse and die.

So I went back to bed for an hour. Did I fall right to sleep? No. I'm Andrea, Queen of the Crazy Ladies who can't turn their brains off and go to sleep, even when they really want to and need to and deserve to! I think I fell asleep about 15 minutes before I was supposed to wake up again. I am the worse nap taker EVER.

7:30 is just as ugly as 6:30. Even a shower and mocha haven't woken me up, fully. I still want to cry. My paper still sucks. Now I just look like ass while I'm doing it, because my eyes are puffy and my skin is nasty and no amount of make up would make me look cute today. Frankly, the world is lucky that I took a shower.

So now I am at Intelligentsia, where I decided to take a short break from some of the hell, and so I got online for my one hour and decided to buy a plane ticket between Rome and Vienna. GREAT idea. Right!? WRONG! SO WRONG!

Oh Air Berlin, if I had much free internet time left, I would write you a VERY strongly worded letter. But as it stands: YOU SUCK. I appreciate your cheap flights and your convenient times, but holy effing shit, y0ur website BLOWS. I almost flipped out in the middle of the cafe after the FOURTH time I put in the SAME information and got a message saying that I was missing something but didn't tell me what! REALLY?! Do I look like a calm, patient person to you?! Yeah, didn't think so.

Lets just say that, in the middle of all of this, I am hearing the women at the table next to me discussing sodomy laws and divorce lawyers. I saw an otherwise cute and stylish woman walking to work in super high heeled PEEP TOE suede green CLOGS. Umm...really?! Oh right...the whole hell thing...

On a funny note: Nothing more hilarious than the derisive looks the beautiful gay men give to the frazzled stroller brigade. Apparently even having a kid or two doesn't make looking like crap at the coffee shop acceptable. Not that I disagree...

You Really Just Don't Match My Outfit

2009-07-19T14:48:00.001-05:00

As promised, a treatise on why guys are like handbags:

Let me preface the following brilliance by saying two things: one, I believe this can be extrapolated to pretty much any relationship in your life, baring family members that are harder to...give away, and perhaps employers, who are in a whole separate category; two, this has taken years and years to internalize, and I still haven't perfected it, so deal.

When you purchase a handbag- a nice one, not a 12 dollar Target sale grab- there are a lot of factors to consider. Price, pockets, size, color, style, etc. You take it home, super excited at your new purchase, and you use it as often as possible- telling your friends about it, possibly naming it (if you are me or my sis), worrying that its going to get dirty. You walk a little taller knowing that someone is probably admiring it, coveting it, appreciating your good style and shopping prowess. But as time goes on, your friends start to ask you if you still think the bag goes with your wardrobe, and if not having a zipper is really the best plan. You start to notice that the bag doesn't go with as many outfits as originally thought. And damnit, the strap keeps falling down. And the snap doesn't always close right.

So, you start to see the bag more for what it is...an (probably) overpriced bag of leather and metal that, in the right light, sort of is a funky color. But you are so proud of the find, so thrilled with all the compliments and the envious glances that you keep using the bag anyway. While you secretly start to shop around for a new one, eye-ing the latest Marc Jacobs as you pass by Nordstrom, you still desperately hope that anyone new you meet will look at you and your bag as though you are a fashion goddess still.

If a bag doesn't go with your wardrobe, doesn't go with your life well, why do you keep it? Even if you buy a new one, you keep it in your closet anyway, because theres something that makes it difficult to get rid of, even though you never plan to use it in 10 years, never see yourself giving it to your kid or sister or friend...or even a garage sale. So the best thing to do: Get Rid Of It.

The same is true of guys. (Read: when the relationship isn't right. When it is, then you have obviously found the ultimate Chanel bag- which is ALWAYS right and never goes out of style and goes with everything because its so ridiculously classic)

You meet, are really excited, start dating and theres this amazing honeymoon phase where you're head over heels happy and your friends want to vomit when you start gushing about the guy and the sex and how happy you are to have finally found a boyfriend. Slowly but surely, stories about him flirting with waitresses or making fun of you in front of friends at parties start to creep in with all the gushing. And you are calling your friend with stories that all start the same way: "hes not ALWAYS like this, but..." and "I feel bad saying this because I really like him, but..." Your friends can clearly see that there is something wrong, something very off, that he isnt treating you well (not well enough, WELL- shit happens, but more than the occassional shitty-ness is just unacceptable. Same with fights.) But you cling to the relationship because of four things (one or more of them): the sex is good, you like having a boyfriend for the status, you're afraid to be alone, and if the relationship fails, it must be something you did or you weren't enough to make him change.

Frankly, thats bullshit. Complete and utter crap. I know, I did it.

If a guy is making you unhappy, or sad, or you have to walk on eggshells all the time, something is WRONG. You wouldnt keep a handbag that made you feel ugly, why the hell would you keep a guy that makes you sad?!

CLEAN OUT YOUR CLOSET!!!!

After years of being the worst pack rat EVER, I finally realized my sister was right- having fewer, higher quality pieces- clothes, bags, shoes, whatever- is WAY better than a packed closet full of crap. So get rid of anything that doesn't make you happy. Life is too short, and closet space too valuable, to keep anything around that doesn't. Turns out, my dad had subtly been trying to tell me the same thing every time I had a fight with friends or an ex- amazing, quality friends and lovers are RARE and hard to find. When you find one, keep them and fight for them, but if they don't bring much to the relationship- if they don't contribute to your happiness, its really just not worth it.

And there you have it. Another pearl of wisdom, just for you. Besides, you have to love any analogy that involves guys AND handbags.

Quickly, before the free internet dies

2009-07-19T10:05:00.001-05:00

You know what, Intelligentsia? One hour of free internet, if we consider how much money I spend on your coffee, is highway robbery. Seriously!! If your mochas weren't laced with crack, this would be a very different conversation.

Raise your hand if you like going to the library for an entire afternoon/evening when you have successfully avoided doing so for a week?

No one? Yeah, didn't freakin' think so.

It has been decided: I am going to Vienna after all. Thank you, Air Berlin, for restoring a teensy bit of my faith in Europe. Trust me, I will not let you down. I will spend money and tell tales and all will be in balance once again. We should really still talk about that ineffective but well-intentioned energy policy...

Stay tuned, because later I will explain why guys (and really...everyone you have a relationship with) are like handbags. :) And by later, I mean when I am in the library, where the internet is free and the coffee is cheap but shitty. WOOT!

A Letter to Europe

2009-07-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

Dear EU Member States,

I have been a long time supporter of yours. I lust after Euro vacations! I always suggest you as a destination when others lean toward Asia or volunteer crap. I have pictures of you on my walls. In fact, I majored in you! I LOVE YOU! I love your history and your art, your food (well, ok, most of the food- haggis, really?!), your fashion (again, most of your fashion- neon leggings, really?) and your people, and ooooh do I love your languages.

But this is not a love letter. This, instead, is a strongly worded letter full of grievances.

Because Europe? YOU NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER!

You EU members can agree on a currency. You can agree on a poorly planned but well-intentioned energy policy. You can even agree on cities of heritage that deserve funds for urban renewal and labels to protect specific food related interests- hell, you have a COURT. But, for some reason, you can’t get off your cigarette and pot smoking, wine drinking, croissant eating, tight jeans wearing asses and come up with some sort of comprehensive- nay, comprehensible- transportation system that doesn’t make tourists want to jump into the effing Mediterranean and swim for Morocco! Really?!?! How hard can it be!? Bureaucracy was born in Europe! Surely there are some underpaid, over-educated people sitting in Brussels with nothing else to do!

Italy- you are the worst offender. All I want is a ticket from Rome to Florence! I found the schedule. I found many websites offering tickets. I even figured out the difference between the classes and reservations and such- but for the life of me, why is actually purchasing a ticket so hard!? Do you not want my money?! I know its lowly American dollars, but you get so many more of them for your stupid train ticket! You are the capital of leisure, the originator of Slow Food, but surely someone is in a hurry once in a while! Do I need to take this up with the ECJ? Is this an infringement of the freedom of movement for people and goods!? Because, I'm the relative of MANY lawyers and watch SEVERAL cop/law dramas, and it sure sounds like a legitimate case to me!

And frankly, Germany is not far behind. High speed trains my ass- do they work yet? Do they go anywhere useful? Why should it take ELEVEN hours to go between two cities in a country the size (smaller? Who the hell knows) of Texas!?! I can drive it faster than that! You are supposed to be all about speed and efficiency. I know its a stereotype, but its not a bad one to live up to! And Vienna. Ooooooh Vienna. Why are you so hard to get to? WHY?! You are the home of Freud and beautiful castles and tasty treats, why must you be so elusive? Don't even get me started on how long it takes to get from Florence to Vienna by train. WOW. No one even pretends high speed has anything to do with it.

You are breaking my heart, Europe. Crushing my Fendi clad soul into a million pieces. Stepping on my Vuitton luggage carrying heart as though it were a cheap fake from the streets of Manhattan.

So the next time someone asks me for vacation recommendations, I will think twice before suggesting a romp through Europe. Perhaps I will even tell them to try out Turkey, or Russia, places you think aren't good enough to join your precious, ineffective little club. Or Asia. HA. Take that! Do I crave another hand crafted Italian bag? Yes. Is putting up with your bullshit worth it? Well...maybe. But consider this a warning!

With bittersweet tears,
Andrea "Used to Love Europe" S.

Because my life is just THAT exciting!

2009-07-15T13:52:00.000-05:00

**Disclaimer: There will be mild mention of gyno visits, if you can't handle that, stop reading now. Either way, you were warned!**

Yesterday was...exhausting. The plan, after turning in what I thought was a pretty decent draft of my thesis, was to do nothing. I knew I had a gyno appointment (always a mood killer), but after that I had grand ambitions of going for a run, wandering about the neighborhood, and perhaps even doing the dishes. It was going to be amazing!

Enter Gyno visit. (Cue Darth Vader’s theme song)
A woman’s annual exam is important, and sucky, under all circumstances. A new doctor adds stress. Thinking about the terrifying cervix story I heard a while back adds stress. Being an uptight crazy lady- also adds stress. Waiting in a pink room containing only baby magazines for an hour, and then waiting in a cold creepy room wearing an ill-fitting paper vest and paper lap cover, completely naked underneath, for a mere 35 minutes- well that’s just the cherry on top. I was, honest to god, about to put my clothes back on and leave (after flipping shit on the staff, of course) when the doctor came in. She was nice and apologized profusely…but I was still annoyed. Good thing she was funny and chill and took the time to get to know me, or there would have been NO way she was going to stick some cold scary piece of plastic up my cooch. I asked her why she became a gynecologist and she basically told me that family practice was lame during rotations, and she liked delivering babies, but truth be told, she never expected to be giving paps all day. She said the upshot was that she liked working with healthy women, and that was predominantly what she did. What can I say, honesty almost always earns my respect. So she did the exam, and luckily, she is really good at her job- even though its not her fault I’m incredibly ticklish (she learned this through a stethoscope while listening to my heart!), it was fast, fairly painless, and she kept me posted on what was going on. A+ doc, A+.

Whenever I am done at one of these, I feel like I deserve a new pair of shoes, or a pedicure or something as a treat. Instead, I found a great coffee shop and had the most delicious and decadent muffin I have ever tasted. TOTALLY worth every calorie, damnit. Every single one.

I took the long way home and found some cute shops and lusted after posters and shoes I can’t afford. I also found a great place near my apartment that has make your own salads- they are huge and really very delicious! An excellent find, in my opinion. AND I found a poster/frame shop selling the Chicago neighborhoods poster I wanted for way less than anywhere else. I got it. Now I just need to figure out how and where to put it up. I really thought the day was going well…UNTIL…

Look, I knew I had to spend some time in the next few days working more on my thesis, revising, adding, etc, but I was very unprepared for the email I got from my advisor. “I only want to read it once. Turn in a final DRAFT”. REALLY!?!?! I turned in A draft…I was definitely under the impression that the assumed sequence of events was meant to be:
1. Turn in a draft
2. Get comments back
3. Fix and finalize draft
4. Turn in FINAL draft
5. Drink heavily

Let’s just say that any calm, relaxing thoughts I had VANISHED into thin air. After many emails with Jojo and conversations with my dad, I decided, ok, I will improve it and send him something else on Friday. WHATEVER. And then I sort of shut down.

Usually when I am super stressed or about to have a complete meltdown, I get a stomachache, or recently other weird random pains in my neck/chest/etc. Instead, my whole body freaked out and just…shut down. I became a zombie. I couldn’t nap. I couldn’t read. I just watched Hulu for hours and zoned out until a conversation with my dad late at night sort of shook me back to reality. I am not entirely sure why this email exchange did this to me, but it sucked. Theres so much else going on, tons of plans, family bullshit, up coming travel, job hunting, exercising and weight loss...I think it was just one too many stressors.

I’m not sure if it makes me a bad student or person, or if this happens to everyone, but the truth is, its hard to care anymore. Sure some well-trained part of me still drives me to finish the paper, to do a decent job. But the perfectionist part, the “I want the reader to think I’m amazing. I want a stellar grade” part is just done. Overused and underfed. I hope it recuperates and heals, but mostly I hope I survive the next two weeks.

A strongly worded letter...

2009-07-13T19:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Unseen Neighbor,

So I hear you want cancer! Hi, my name is Andrea, and I DON'T! I can smell you and your cancer sticks in my apartment, and frankly, its gross. I am trying to write a piece of brilliant, if practically unimportant, piece of literary greatness, and you are giving me black lung. Shitty situation, EH!?

While I fully realize I could close my window, that would make me very warm and VERY cranky. Since I have to sit in my apartment all day coming up with convincing academic gobbeldygook, and you presumably do not, I would very much appreciate you either closing your effing window or quitting smoking. Both of which will seriously improve your life expectancy.

Yours in lung health and stench free living-
Andrea

PS: Should I ever identify you and your grossness, I suggest crossing the street when you see me. I will bitch at you, and you will cry. :) Cheers!

Some mid-thesis statistics

2009-07-13T17:10:00.000-05:00

Number of panic attacks since 8am (when I woke up): depending on how you count them, one long continuous one or 3 separate, shorter ones. Just so far. There are many more hours in the day. Mannnnny more.

Number of caffeinated beverages: 4, it would be more but I ran out of Diet Coke a while ago

Number of unsuccessful nap attempts: 1 (Yeah yeah, I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try! I finally got the memo: Andrea can't sleep well. Andrea is too high strung to take successful naps or sleep longer than absolutely necessary at any time. Andrea needs a sleeping pill.)

Number of phone calls to dad: 3

Number of pages written/re-written: 6, give or take, and counting!

Number of hours spent hating my life today: 9, and counting.

Number of li-li cookies in my box of Animal Crackers: 3

Number of books and articles and notebooks surrounding me: too many to count

Moral of the story: Tomorrow there will be alcohol and sunshine and all things good in the world, otherwise I will go apeshit on someone, and theres no amount of terrible/brilliant analogies or silly stories Jojo can tell that will prevent it. I'm just saying...

NOT OK

2009-07-13T10:28:00.000-05:00

We are not near an ocean. In fact, we are several blocks from the lake. On what planet is it ok to wear super raggedy cut off jean shorts, a shirt with the sleeves hacked off and made into HUGE arm holes, and mangled flip flops with an ankle bracelet when you aren't anywhere near the water, much less at all?! Seriously, name the planet.

THERE IS NO PLANET WHERE THATS OK!!!

Glad we cleared that up.

80s Music at Intelligentsia

2009-07-13T09:45:00.001-05:00

I'm at my second home, I mean...Intelligentsia...and they are playing TERRIBLE 80s music. TERRIBLE. Now, I will still come here and pay outrageous amounts of money for their crack (read: soy mochas/soy lattes as of tomorrow) but for the love of all things caffeinated, this music has got to go!!!! As if writing a thesis weren't bad enough, I really don't want to look back on the whole experience and have the sound track include things too awful to remake into Muzak! I'm just saying...

Before I get back to hell, I mean thesis:

Driving in Hyde Park is weird. So is looking for a parking spot, going to my car near the Reg, and trying to remember which streets are one way and which way they go. It made me miss walking, and Franz, but not so much the long trek on CTA to get down there.

Traffic on Lake Shore Drive can be SERIOUSLY painful- LA painful! I think I have figured out the good/bad times and such, but WOWZA. Not that I don't enjoy the people watching that comes with being stuck in traffic right by the beach and path. I have seen some really beautiful people, and some really terrifying outfit decisions. I know I say this a lot, but seriously Chicago- GET A SPORTS BRA! No one wants to see your boobs flapping about as you run. You get major points for running, really, you do, but it hurts my insides to watch this. And isn't it hurting your boobs?!

Parking in my neighborhood is a nightmare, except the night before street cleaning!! Now, this means I have to get up early (read: when normal people are leaving for work) to move my car before getting ticketed, but there was something truly wonderful about parking right outside my building and being able to take in my suitcase finally without schlepping in 4 blocks!

The people who run my building are idiots. Not surprising, really, but annoying nonetheless. And we all know how I feel about stupid people. (Cue movie to sceens of stupid people being rounded up and shipped off to...some very nice island somewhere- anywhere- away from me!)

If another seriously, devastatingly beautiful man quasi-flirts with me and then goes and holds hands with another guy today, I might cry. I'm schlumpy today, I realize this, so I am not exactly expecting to get picked up by anyone except the super fluffy puppy outside the cafe, but come on! (You're going to do this to a girl who has been writing a thesis for the last day and a half!? COME ON!) I know I'm a fruit fly, but this teasing is just mean. Take your ripped upper body, perky ass, and amazing shoes SOMEWHERE ELSE. We are all sold out of energy for disappointment here.

As soon as the hot guy on the stool by the door gets his coffee and leaves, thus allowing me to refocus on my work, I'll get back to it.

Have I mentioned how excited I am to have a few days of FUN and randomness after I turn this beast in?! Wanna edit it for me? Wanna read all about it? Yeah, didn't think so. :)

Ok, ok, ok. I'm going. T-minus 8 hours until I can take a nap and pretend I'm a real person for a bit.

Road trippin with my two favorite allies...

2009-07-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

Hello Chicago!!!!

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop, thoroughly enjoying a soy mocha made perfectly, remembering why I love my neighborhood so much. I had a bit of a panic attack on the way to the north side from Hyde Park- there was heinous traffic (omg, people, watch where you're driving and maybe there won't be so many damn accidents!), and then I had to park illegally after driving around my 'hood for 25 minutes just to go in and get the stuff for my new parking spot. But because I was all flustered, and just plain not thinking, I left the garage and building (I got a spot at the other bulding my building people own, its a few blocks away), only to realize I wasn't entirely sure how to get back in. So I tried my main key in the door that I left out of, and it doesn't work..and I don't have my garage door opener, because thats in the car! So, now I get to go stalk someone who lives there and try to get back to my damn car. OY. Nothing is ever easy or simple, is it!?

Even so, I'm glad to be back. I walked into my apartment and it was cool and smelled like fresh air and it was clean, and it made me so happy. I am surrounded by happy, city people, and you know what?! Our country is really pretty to drive through, but I can NEVER EVER EVER live somewhere like Iowa City or Lincoln...or, GOD FORBID, Cheyenne. I couldn't live in Salt Lake City either, but for entirely different reasons, obvi.

Can I just say: My friends are amazing. Jojo and Pinko get several gold stars and high fives and awards of all sorts. Between their mad crazy packing skillz (trunk of a Civic + crap loads of stuff + 3 people= not roomy), hilarious commentary, and ability to handle me in all of my many demanding moods, they are certifiably the best road trip crew a girl could ever want! I even relaxed a bit (seriously, this is not easy for me!) while they were driving, because when it comes right down to it, they aren't scary drivers at all. Pinko gets the award for "Most CDs EVER Made for a Road Trip" as well as "Best Nook Creator/Inhabitant", "Photographer Extraordinare", and "Award for Survival of the Cave-like Back Seat (even though she secretly liked it)". Jojo gets awards for "Most Times Snooze Pressed in the History of the World", "Most Flexible and Accomodating Bed Sharing Situation Participant", "Most Obnoxious Fake Laugher", and- last but not least- "Best Extended Family Attention Deflector Shield of ALL Time". In retrospect, I should actually add a few more. (Also because they already heard about two of them, so its not as exciting any more!) So I'll add that Pinko gets the "Award for Most Conversations with Inanimate Objects and Locations" AND "Most Iterations of Ottie and Otterson Ever" and Jojo gets "Most Untimely Contact with Parental Units" AND "Most Knowledge of Useless Trivia, Particularly about Sports Teams and Cars". Mil gracias!!!!

So thats twelve, twelve awards I have given. HA HA HA HA. (Count laugh. OY)

The next two days, I will be MIA as much as possible. This obviously doesn't mean I won't blog, because its a nice distraction, and I get a WEE bit crazy(er) without human contact. However, I have to turn in a draft sometime on Monday, so I will be busting out some sort of brilliant nonsense, and will therefore be off the radar. Then, the stories and reports and pictures will be supplied in excess, I guarantee.

A Message for My Sis

2009-07-10T22:20:00.001-05:00

Dear Sister O' Mine:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope it is fabulous and wonderful, just like you. :) It has been a pleasure knowing you these 24.5 years of my life, in spite of the fights, the biting (I've got my eye on you!), and the stolen clothes! I don't know what I would do without you, and I shudder to think of what I'd be wearing.

So, I raise my virtual glass to you- here's to many more years of shopping and making fun of others, surviving our insane family, and partying like the brilliant goddesses we totally are!

LOVE YOU!

Are we there yet?

2009-07-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Hello from my birth place (the birth place of potential greatness, obvi!): Lincoln, NE!

On the plus side, it sucks way less than expected, AND way less than Cheyenne, Wyoming. Though, that wasn't much of a contest. But its unbelievably humid...SO gross.

Everything is going really well. Free drinks at our hotel here definitely made us like Nebraska more. I need to do some work, so more tonight or tomorrow, but, as promised:

Almost 22 years later, I finally return to my (apparently Little House on the Prairie) roots

Hippies are EVERYWHERE! This house was pretty cool, and abandoned. Wafts of pot smoke still hung in the air

Ottie and Otterson, our loyal companions, hang out and watch Jojo as he drives

Wyoming. Beautiful. Large. Boring. :)

We drove through a mountain!

Windmills/wind generators/turbines/insert your own term here

This is where all the Mormon-ness began! There will be lots more on this later...but...it had to be included! (Salt Lake City)

Regardless of how you feel about Mormons, they sure know how to plant some beautiful gardens. Only the best for the lord, right? (I kid you not, thats what one of them said about the temple...I assume it applies to the gardens as well)

And so it begins

2009-07-05T01:31:00.000-05:00

The road trip has begun...sort of.

I..we..are currently in NorCal. Campbell/Los Gatos/San Jose to be exact. Here is what has gone down so far:

Monday, we flew from Chicago to LA. For me, it was one of the least horrible 4 hour flights ever, even though I had the middle seat (don't get me started on the seat politics that went down!). Flying with people you enjoy talking to makes things SO much better, as does a book of crosswords and enough Dramamine to kill a small horse. :)

Day 1 in LA: We went to the Skirball so I could do my LAST interview for my thesis. WOOT! It went ok. The important part is that its O-V-E-R. Then we went and hung out on Venice beach for the afternoon, played frisbee, etc. Even though the weather was wierd, it was good times. We also went to The Grove, so that Jojo could buy a new bathing suit. Turns out there are some truly hideous pairs of board shorts out there, and we looked through ALL of them! We also went in to the ginormous Barnes and Nobel they have there, the one with lots of floors that makes me happy. Oh bookstores, how I love you. Then we headed home for some Thai food in Claremont before crashing.

Day 2 in LA: A Freeway-free day! Not that I don't love a good few hours in LA traffic or anything. We mostly played around by the pool, got sunburnt (well, me and Jojo...Pinko is immune to the sun it seems), and had a BBQ with the dadster. My fabulous LA friends came over, so there was good food, good company, and some rousing games of Apples to Apples and Trivial Pursuit. Let me just remind you how much I like to win at things...and then explain how me, Jojo, and Pinko on a team is pretty unfair. Between the three of us, we have a disgusting amount of completely useless factoids stored up in our twisted little minds. So basically anyone competing against us better bring it! The fab people we played against did really well, and totally caught up to us at the end there- it was a lot of fun. Mostly cuz we won. :) JUST KIDDING!

Day 3 in LA: Hollywood! After lounging about for the morning and having coffee with the Old One, and finding a record in the music store in the village, we finally made it over to Hollywood to see the tourist fiasco that is LA. We went to the Kodak/Chinese theater, the Walk of Stars, etc. MJ's star was covered in crap, surrounded by cops and people gawking, and ineffective barriers. What a clusterfuck. The people watching was A+ though! We also went on an adventure in the Hollywood hills, to see if we could get a better look at the Hollywood sign. We certainly got closer to it! We meandered back down on Mullholland Drive (am I a good tour guide or what?!) and made our way to West Hollywood for dinner at Ketchup. We met Shmu and her boytoy there for dinner, and it was a total LA dining experience- skinny/fat hostess and flaming but gorgeous waiter and all! AND there were 5 kinds of ketchup to dip stuff in. VERY tasty actually. Sweet potatoe fries and the maple ketchup were out of this world. Also, Jojo got bison- SO tasty! Who knew!?

Sadly, day 4 meant leaving. Lets just say it was a day of gorgeous views from PCH, TONS of heinous traffic and complaining (from me), Friday night services at temple, dinner with my family (a WHOLE other post, trust me), and drinking with my sister and her BF. OY.

Pinko and Jojo are trying to sleep as I type this, so I will end it here. More on the goings on around here later. So far, so good, however. No one has died, or tried to kill each other, and honestly, it has been quite fun. You know you have good roadtrip buddies when they will sing in the car and take pics of otters in the steering wheel. And thank god for chosen family- because the one we are born into sure isnt a guarantee for anything!

Daily Lesson

2009-06-29T13:20:00.000-05:00

I think it is important to learn something new every day. In fact, you should learn as much as possible every day.

Today, I learned a great deal (and its barely afternoon!)- I interviewed a really cool woman who used to work at Spertus, and found out some interesting and sad things. Like that several of the people I interviewed in the past few months have been laid off. And that the museum is, for all intents and purposes, closing. This not only changes my thesis dramatically, but breaks my heart. Not only are these wonderful people losing their jobs, but the Jewish community- and the Chicago community- is losing an institution full of potential. It is an important institution that offered a Jewish perspective that is vital to a thriving Jewish community, even if its approach pissed people off or disappointed them or did not always ask for their opinions.

I am supposed to be as objective as possible in my thesis, but that has become really difficult. I am a Jew- an atheist, synagogue avoiding, lobster and cheeseburger eating, Catholic/Christian/Buddist/atheist loving, sometime self-loathing Jew- and damnit, I want this museum to survive. I am not always impressed with the exhibitions, and I certainly think the building is less exciting than most, but what does it say about Jews and Chicago when an institution that has been serving the community for DECADES is not supported!? Jews are supposed to strive for social justice and freedom and potentially upsetting art exhibits- we are supposed to discuss the issues, not pull funding from the places that can help us do this! Jews are disproportionately represented in the legislature (percentage wise based on population) but we can't seem to get our act together when it comes to this. Really?! I'm disappointed. In the Chicago Jewish community. In the Federation. In the museum. In the parents who will not have a place to take their children to expose them to Judaism- regardless of the form it takes.

Perhaps aside from all of the commentary this provides on the Jewish community and museums and American Jews' relationship to Israel and each other, this is a lesson about how important it is to support cultural institutions. Or how when you sit back and watch, instead of DOING something, its just as bad as being a part of the problem sometimes. Epic fail, Chicago. EPIC fail.

On a side, and slightly different, note: Today I also learned not to take anything to the dry cleaners attached to my building. They charge WAAAAY too much. They don't take cards. The woman there is a snarky buttface. Lesson learned!

Hopefully the next lesson I learn will be a happy/exciting one!

Pride, Part 3

2009-06-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

There was a LOT of nipple happening...this person even took off her top.

Sex toy store thats super famous around town: Tulip

Singing...HILARIOUS

So pretty...

At the car wash...

Jungle FEVER-

LOVE his outfit!

See...Im telling you...LOTS of nipple...

Apparently this person is really famous here for her shows-

More cowboys?! Yes please...

Here's to fun parades, and equal rights, and being yourself even when there isn't a parade!

Pride, Part 2

2009-06-28T16:12:00.001-05:00

Howdy Cowboy! LOVE these guys- LOVE. I haven't screamed that much in a LONG time.

I totally need an outfit like this:

And this outfit too!

Really, I'm not sure why guys in shiny undies and nothing else makes me so happy, but it really does.

Loved this float!

Jews have PRIDE!

This was cool, not sure what it really meant. Something about gay swimmers wanting gay marriage...which works for me!

Chicago's Got PRIDE, Part 1

2009-06-28T15:51:00.000-05:00

Today is Pride- and WOW does Chicago have Pride!!!

I am pleased to report that Pride Parade was the best parade I have ever been to, ever. I came home after 2 hours, and it went for another hour! I am glittery, covered in beads (for which I only had to scream, no flashing necessary!), and free goodies and pure delight. My neighborhood is lined with people drinking, dancing, grilling (on the sidewalk...very odd), and celebrating in rainbow style. Its awesome. I took a TON of pictures, so here are a few of my favorites. If you have never been to a Pride celebration, do it! Its worth it.

A few observations:
Talk about a publicity stunt! Every politician was there, even governor Quinn!

The alcohol companies had the best floats, hands down.

The line dancing cowboys were my absolute favorites! HOT guys, in great outfits, doing sexy line dances all down the street- SO entertaining. Even the hot cops couldn't beat that!

I was surprised and pleased to see so many gay-friendly churches- and there was even a Catholic group! Heres to acceptance co-mingling with religion!

And without further ado, say hello to the beautiful- and crazy- people of the Pride Parade:

Dykes on Bikes-

Saturday morning at the hot spot

2009-06-27T14:10:00.000-05:00

Every day, I go to Intelligentsia Café. Every day, I find a seat, put my stuff down, order my beverage and sometimes a muffin, and wait like a puppy who has been left alone all day. I like to watch the baristas making all the drinks, and I can’t figure out their division of labor or system or whatever you want to call it. Theres a lot of movement and all of a sudden, a beverage is ready for someone. The people who work here are hip, but not hipsters (thank god!), and are generally friendly. I feel like we would get along in real life, until they found out that I’ve never been in a protest and my shirt isn’t organic cotton. The guys are incredibly attractive, and almost all of the people have cool glasses and funky hats. You know I’m a sucker for glasses and hats! I should really buy an organic cotton tee…

Today has been the same, I came, plopped my stuff down (in a less than ideal location because the whole neighborhood is here!), ordered and paid…and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I am not a patient person. At all. Ever. Even on a good day. But today my sleep schedule is messed up, construction woke me up early, I have a migraine, and damnit, I want my coffee!!!!! 15 minutes for the whole process is RIDICULOUS!!! I was nice and polite when I inquired as to the whereabouts of my soy mocha (I figured out why they are so much better here!! DARK chocolate, better coffee, and latte art!), but this cannot happen again. I am simply not capable of waiting that long- even if it is for the tastiest thing I will consume all day! So, my beloved Intelligentsia crew- let this be a warning. Next time I have to wait 15 minutes for a beverage, I will flip out on you, and it will not be pretty. Keep up the good work though! ☺

Also, a woman in line wasn’t paying ANY attention to where her enormous ass was, and it landed in my muffin. REALLY!? All ass judgment aside, its really not that hard to make sure your backside doesn’t end up in someones breakfast. Unacceptable. And seriously people, my chair is not here for YOUR waiting pleasure- its for me, the amazing human being sitting IN IT. MOVE AWAY! (Grumble grumble grumble)

On the plus side I am now sitting next to two lovely women wearing amazing sundresses- jealous!- and a hilarious group of fruits and fruit flies, so my love for LVE carries on.

In the belly of the beast

2009-06-27T14:09:00.000-05:00

Hey, does anyone want a thesis update?! I know that my SF fan club does!

Essentially, thesis blows. No way around it, that is the most succinct update.

The less succinct version: I have done 7 of 9 scheduled interviews (8 is on Monday before I fly out and 9 is on Tuesday in LA), and for the most part, they have been great! I think I finally have enough literature to craft some sort of lit review/”heres where my work fits in with the existing literature and fills an incredibly important gap” section. I even think I have almost narrowed and problematized (nose in air, mm…yes, I go to UChicago) my argument enough. I can tell you in two sentences or less why this matters and is important and you should care. I can even discuss policy implications and further options for investigation. AND I can briefly describe the effect that my being a member of the group studied has had on my work, and my insider/outsider dilemma.

I cannot, however, prove what I am arguing. I can’t make myself write enough. I can’t explain in a Chad-approved way why the methods and data I collected are the best and most brilliant and “surprising” (ARRGG- surprising…*$%$&$#%), other than to say it just made the most sense and was do-able. Why isn’t that enough!?

It really will be easier to write once I’m done with all the interviews. Each interview changes the way I see the situation, brings new ideas and themes and questions- and very few answers. Which is great, and exciting, and interesting for the reader, I hope. But it makes it REALLY hard for me.

The last person I interviewed talked a lot about how the new building has had a significant impact on the relationship of Spertus with the community, and how it has brought some really difficult challenges to the fore that didn’t exist with the new building. Most interestingly, he said that the museum has really moved away from being about Judaism and toward being about art, and that in trying to do experimental exhibits, they are in fact alienating a significant portion of their constituency, but that might not be a bad thing. He also talked about “post-identity”, which keeps coming up. Post-identity. Discuss! Post-Jewish, post-identity…what does that really mean?

Anyway, that’s where I am before I begin today’s session of pulling teeth…I mean, writing. ☺ So now you know.

Friday in Boystown with Andrea

2009-06-26T13:57:00.000-05:00

I think that, even though the signs say otherwise, I live in Boystown. Don't get me wrong, this is absolutely fine for me...but it doesn't bode well for me meeting straight, possibly single guys to potentially date.

It also makes overhearing convos potentially nauseating. For example, at the gym this morning, after my trainer tried to kill me, again (but I have awesome form, so there!), I heard the following convo between two of the most beautiful men I have seen in Chicago so far:

Hot guy #1: (Slightly squeely) Omg, Amber, how ARE you?! I haven't seen you in kick boxing lately.

Amber (teeny tiny blonde chick in teeny tiny work out clothes that she looked so cute in it was hard to hate her, but I managed): Omg, hey Dillan!

Hot guy #1: Amber, this is my partner Lance! He's amazing.

Hot guy #2: Look at you, you are absolutely adorable! Shes adorable!

Hot guy #1: I know, right? Shes like my gym girlfriend. I love her!

Hot guys, in sync: Awww...god I wish I had an ass like yours!

Amber: (giggling obnoxiously) You guys are like totally adorable! (Insert Andrea vomiting here)

I am definitely a fan of all the rainbows and such around the 'hood though. There certainly seems to be an air of acceptance around, minus the asshats at the bike shop. The Pride Parade goes right by my place!!! I'm excited- apparently they throw beads and stuff and then just party for the rest of the day! And the snarky gay men all over the place make me happy, I'm not going to lie. Even the guy at the bank made me smile. Points to you, Mr Banker, points to you.

I'm at the library- the big one downtown, with owls on the outside and 9 floors of library potential. However, it is sorta disappointing. Poorly lit, really uncomfortable chairs, they won't give me a library card without a bajillion pieces of proof that I live here...etc. The two redeeming factors: Air conditioning and they have a copy of a book that I owned and lost and need for my thesis. So, public library afternoon it is. UGH. Oh and it has a stop on the brown line, which means that today was the first day in a VERY long time I went somewhere on the El without transferring trains! Also, I desperately want a nap (getting up at 7 am REALLY SUCKS), but between the terrible chairs and my fear of laptop theft, I don't think thats going to happen. Perhaps at the Art Institute?! HA.

****Also, just a note to anyone with a stroller (for a CHILD- those of you with strollers for dogs should check back again sometime when I verbally rip you a new one): I am more than happy to move over for you, really, I am. I know its a pain in the ass to schlep kids around, and many of you do it with impressive style. HOWEVER, please try not to run me off the sidewalk! If I wanted to frolic with the cars, I would walk in the middle of the street initially! If I wanted to sidle along the walls of buildings...well..I'd be a weirdo, or Spidey. The point is, I try to be considerate of you, the same would be greatly appreciated. Having a kid doesn't entitle you to be an assface. Agreed? Awesome, thanks.

In the mean time...

2009-06-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

I am working on a post about my trip to the dirty south, but in the mean time, I need to rant. I have spent a great deal of time talking up the lovely people of Lakeview, but damnit, they are slacking lately! I still meet cool people every time I walk around, and Intelligentsia totally kicks Starfuck's ass, and my gym rules, but it wouldn't be fun if there was nothing to complain about, right!?

1. Green and yellow are DISGUSTING colors for toenails. SO GROSS. So unacceptable. The next person I see with a polish color that resembles a fungus, I reserve the right to puke on their toes. A lot of the blues I have been seeing are bad too, but at least they don't resemble a disease. (But frost bitten toes aren't cute either, FYI)

2. Its hot. Its REALLY EFFING HOT. So if there is an available seat on the El that isn't directly next to me, DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME! For the love of anything you believe in- MOVE AWAY. I don't want you there. You don't want to sit next to a sweaty Andrea. Its really for the best.

3. As mentioned in #2, I realize its hotter than heck, but that does not mean I want to see any of the following: your ass cheeks, your boobs, your stomach/belly/abs (unless you are one of the many very pretty people who run by me every day in classy work out gear, and even then the boobs and ass thing still stands), or really, anything you wouldn't show on a day that was 70 degrees. Come on people, you are supposed to be setting an example for the rest of the city!!!!

4. The teeny tiny rat dogs in bags need to stop. Please, its embarrassing for all of us.

5. I am excited for the Pride Parade on Sunday. But closing cafes and shops confuses me.

6. The people at the bike shop are snotty!!!! What the hell!? I had ONE question, one very simple, reasonable question! I know I was in gym clothes, and that I don't have tattoos or hipster glasses or a pierced nose, but really?! Geez! Also, it totally wasn't my fault that Franz exploded, so stop looking at me like I did something wrong!

I am starting to get used to hanging out by myself. I miss people. A lot. A lot a lot. But its been sorta good to explore, chat with random strangers, and go where ever I want to on a whim. Lunching alone with a book isn't anywhere CLOSE to as fun as eating with Pinko/Jojo/Benjamin, but trying new places and wandering about isn't so terrible. I was really looking forward to training at the Childrens Museum tonight, but it got cancelled...and I suspect that the place isn't nearly as well organized as I originally thought. Now I have to wait until the end of July. Really?! REALLY?! Epic fail, Museum. Epic fail.

I am incredibly sick of public transportation. It is cheap and fairly convenient, but it also takes a long time and can be smelly and crowded and exhausting. I do not want to hear people's conversations. I don't even know how they have reception down there!!! I also don't want to smell people, or what they are carrying. GROSS. And people, when theres a super old person, a pregnant woman, a person with a baby- STAND UP! MOVE! Chivalry may or may not be dead, but damnit stand your ass up for these people. Also, if I stand up for someone, TAKE THE SEAT! What is the point of both of us standing!? And when I move toward the door because my stop is next, move the hell out of my way. I will run you down.

Oh, and if you sweat on my purse again, I will go apeshit. Just a warning.

Alright. Thats all for now. Stay tuned for Adventures from the Dirty South! There will be mystery and intrigue. There will be religion. There will be pictures.

PS: Tomorrow's itinerary includes the Harold Washington Public Library (I know, don't give me that look. I won't be checking anything out...its strictly for the A/C and location), the Art Institute (Free Friday evenings) and the Taste of Chicago. I am definitely accepting applications from anyone who wants to join me.

A grievous error

2009-06-18T10:49:00.001-05:00

In my medicated haze, I neglected to give my sister proper mention in the section about my trip to NorCal. Lets be honest, she is the sole reason I will be up there. Literally and figuratively, it is all her doing. (She threatened to disown me if I missed the Bar Mitzvah and left her with the rest of our family to fend for herself.) So, let it be known that Ellen is the most exciting and wonderous thing in the Bay Area, and nothing I show my friends will ever compare. :)

Her bff and the triplets are also high on the list.

Also, apparently there is confusion about the dog!? I dont have a dog- yet- and Pupster/Shark Nugget belongs to Lord Shuckleberry, who is out of town on special assignment so I am "helping" to take care of him. So, no actual pet yet, I just borrow other people's and happily give them back. Like kids.

Glad we got THAT out of the way!

Its T-Minus EIGHT days until I have to turn in a rough draft of my thesis. HOLY CRAP. There will still be posts, obviously, but you might notice a theme running through them, or an overtone of tension and fear. This is why.

Sittin' on a chair at the Reg, watchin' the suun go down on the lake...

2009-06-17T16:39:00.000-05:00

I have migrated from couch to chair, with a few stops in between, but the desire to sit and do nothing remains. So does the feeling of impending death- but mostly only when my brain rattles during coughing fits.

It officially takes an hour by CTA to get from my new apartment to my old 'hood (the 76, the Brown Line, the Red Line, and the 55). An hour. Its really not that terrible, I just sit there and people watch (or, today because of my cold and high level of meds, I sat there and stared at people without knowing I was doing so and all of a sudden I was there, completely unsure of how I got there....most disconcerting), sometimes I listen to my iPod, sometimes I text incessantly. Either way, its not like its painful, just time consuming. But thats where my people (and the library) are, so, thats where I have to go it seems.

I had to finish cleaning out my old apartment this morning, which I was looking forward to about as much as some gross gyno procedure. 7 garbage bags, 5 Super H Mart bags, and 6 trips to the garbage cans later, I gave up and decided it was good enough. Its not like the place was spotless when I arrived. I still have a bunch of stuff to take to Goodwill, but other than that, its done. Mr. Physics and I were chatting today about that, and how once all the boxes are packed and moved, you want to be able to call it a day, but then you have to go back and deal with all the cleaning and minutia, and thats the worst. Such a process! Thank god its done. Now all I have to do is clean and organize my new place! HAAHAHAHAH (maniacal crazy woman laughter) I'll get started on that after I stop coughing and after I write my thesis...so never.

The plague hit its peak today, I think. At least I hope this is as bad as it gets, because I am pretty effing miserable. I took a nap with the Pupster/Shark Nugget, so that was nice, but eventually he just wanted to play and got all whiny. But theres something really wonderful about having a giant furry furnace hanging out next to you while you nap. Do try that at home.

I have a ton of plans in the near future, so because you will be hearing about them (reading, whatever), I will put my tentative schedule on here so you know whats going on, especially since many of you are involved. :)

June 19-21 Cinncinati (Yes, I am visiting another middle state, no, I do not expect to be impressed by Ohio. Apparently there is a really long bridge across which I will have to walk and that makes me unhappy. But I am excited for the rest of it, so I guess I will pull up my big girl panties and get the hell over it)

June 22-26 Commuting between Lakeview and Hyde Park in an attempt to write my thesis. UGH.

June 26-28 Taste of Chicago, also writing The Beast and packing

June 29-July 3 LOS ANGELES, what what?! I will be interviewing someone for my thesis, having a BBQ (Yay for Papa Schust manning the barbie), and showing Jojo and Pinko some of the cool things SoCal has to offer (suggestions VERY welcome)

July 3- July 6/7 NorCal, where I will introduce my soon to be traumatized friends to my family (theres a reason my favorite quote ever is "Family is not a word, its a sentence"), go to a Bar Mitzvah, and show Jojo and Pinko some of the cool things NorCal has to offer (again, suggestions welcome)

July 6/7- July 15-ish Drive my car back to Chicago, stopping for frisbee moments, diner food, the weird random states no one ever visits, and The Worlds Largest (insert randomness here).

July 15-31 Frantically cobble together a thesis worthy of a passing grade, turn in, breathe sigh of tentative relief

July 31-August 4 Drink heavily and sleep a lot

August 4-16 EUROPE!! I will be going to Rome, Florence, Vienna, and Munich, and you know what?! I am SUPER EXCITED! Because nothing says awesome vacay like the hottest month in Europe in countries where I don't speak the language! Is it weird that I am most excited for Vienna because of a book I read in college?! Yes, I am THAT nerdy.

August 17-31 Job hunt, temp, volunteer, spend lots of time at the gym like the women mentioned the other day who basically live there, perhaps I will make friends with Muffy and Veronica and we can swap tales of botched mani's and snarky pilates instructors.

August 28 GRADUATION!! Don hideous gown, sit in heat, smile for photos, remove hideous gown ASAP, eat and drink with family.

September: I basically have no plans for September yet, minus turning 25, obvi. And thats really all that matters, right? I suppose I will continue with the job hunt and temping and volunteering. I don't want to sit around doing nothing...I guess...even though my futon is really comfy and I have a lot of levels of Guitar Hero to beat still.

October 3 Participate in my first ever 5K! We shall see how this goes. As long as I come out on the other end in one piece I will be happy.

The rest of October: LONDON!!!!!! One of my favorite cities to date! My lovely cousin has invited me to be her intern and stay with her in London, and while I haven't the foggiest idea of what Ill be doing, it will be in London, so does it really actually matter? Last time I was there I almost died several times crossing the street and I had the best high tea EVER. (Heres where we ask Papa Schust to let me visit Ireland while Im there too...we don't want to waste an opportunity to see it when I'll be over there anyway, do we?!)

Right, so, thats the plan for the next...what...5 months? Don't say I never told you what was going on!!

Before I get back to work, which might be impossible given the coughing fits, I thought I should mention some things I have noticed. Because thats why you read this, right?!

Several people pointed this out to me on moving day, but my neighborhood has a disturbing number of people with teeny tiny dogs, many in outfits, some in purses, that just look ridiculous. All I could think of was how tasty my future (Read: comparatively ginormous) dog will find these poor excuses for canines. Honestly, some of them look like recently electricuted rats. UNacceptable.

Also, there are a ton of little old people that look like zombies. (Zombies that have learned how to use tools, right?!)

I got a number of odd stares today on my way to the HP. Admittedly I had a stuffed backpack on, but in Hyde Park that is just par for the course. Apparently that further solidifies the UChicago level of geek that I am, because my neighborhood has tons of DePaul students, but none of them wear backpacks, or if they do they are so empty you can't tell. Well you know what?! I'm proud to be a geekier student than the stupid ass DePaul kids. Wanna fight about it? I bet my dialectic can kick your dialectic's ass- even in a post-colonial context!

And on that note!

Aaaaand scene.

2009-06-16T12:01:00.000-05:00

Hello from Lakeview East!!!

I am currently sitting on my delightful futon (just waiting for visitors!) that is expertly arranged in my new apartment. I am also surrounded by tissues, OJ, cold meds, and a lot of construction noise that is making it difficult to nap. Or perhaps its the delicious mocha I had at Intelligentsia this morning. Either way, there is no napping occuring here in apartment 309, even though Pinko has demanded I do so. Thank god my apartment people have wireless internet, because I'm not sure I even know where to plug my modem in yet, and I have about as much motivation to get off my PJ clad ass and deal with it as I do to work on my thesis (read: ZERO). Moving was...an adventure. Lets discuss!

I have a lot of wonderful friends, many of whom were willing to get up at a reasonable hour (read: waaaay later than people with real jobs but early for a grad student recently done with finals) and help me, and I am eternally grateful to them all. Jojo, Andre and I went up to Lincoln Park to get the UHaul and promptly spent a ridiculous amount of time in traffic trying to get back down to Hyde Park. Perhaps it was Obama's visit (sadly I am no longer impressed when he is in town...does that make me a native?), or just the universe having fun, but sitting in traffic in a UHaul is never high on my list of priorities. But it was ok, we listened to oddly appropriate rock music and discussed random shit, as per usual.

Moving Red's furniture was a piece of cake, mostly because there were so many people carrying stuff and Jojo is pretty much an expert packer (Hey! Career option!). As we know, most of my friends are guys, so there were like 8 guys all moving stuff, and it was pretty entertaining to observe them all trying to have input into how things were taken apart/moved/packed. It was a little like watching a group of small children playing soccer, or a traffic jam on the 405. Moving stuff out of my apartment was a tad more complicated because there was a lot more and the furniture had to be rearranged a bit. Even though a lot of the guys had a good laugh about how much stuff I have (its really not that much! I mean...clearly not pack up the car and go, but come on! Even my shoe collection would take up more room than that!), it all fit nicely in the UHaul, and we headed back up to the Nice Side...I mean, North Side. Sorry. I need to stop doing that.

However, it was back on the North Side that everything got a bit more interesting. My street is lovely, with nice older buildings and lots of trees...and zero parking. So finding a spot for the UHaul was not easy. Eventually, the apartment people told us to park in the back so we could use the freight elevator, which we did. The freight elevator is SKETCH-TASTIC. You have to go down this creepy sloped walk way to a gross little room with huge metal doors that open up to a super old school accordian-like door to the elevator. Everything has to be closed tight and you press a button and it takes you up to similar doors on my floor. It was really handy once you got past the creep factor, and it only took 3 trips to get everything into my place. (Again, the guys are great at getting a bunch of stuff into a small space. yes yes, thats what she said) So a couple of the guys left to go see a soccer game and the rest of us decided to go get pizza, as promised for helping, and relax a bit after an amazingly smooth moving experience. We found a cute "pizza pub" that has delicious pizza, and everyone was way happier after being fed. Miss Unicorn was going to meet me back at my new place to help unpack/arrange stuff while everyone else went back down to Hyde Park for a while. So, we went back to my building and I was going to drive the UHaul back to its home and get a ride back. Miss Unicorn and I came upstairs for a minute.

When I went back down, the UHaul was not there. Gone. A huge vacant spot where a large truck should have been. WHAT!??!?!!? I was unable to get my jaw off the ground. I had the keys in my hand. Where on EARTH do you hide a giant ass moving truck!? No where, thats where. NO WHERE!

Turns out, the UHaul had been TOWED. TOWED!? A, who tows a UHaul?! And B, why did MY UHaul get towed!? I was TOLD to park there!!!!! (Begin grinding teeth, stomach ache, and intense barely controllable rage.) So my lovely and patient friends drove me down to the impound lot where I attempted to argue with an idiot woman who is paid minimum wage to deal with angry people like myself, which was of course futile. I paid the $170 that really could have gone to better things (even throwing it away would have been a better use of the damn money), and the giant gate opened for me to go get the UHaul. Had Jojo not been with me, a scream heard round the world would have happened, but it didn't. Besides, I feel like in this case only physically attacking someone would have made me feel better, and really, thats never a good plan. (When you are already sick and exhausted, starting a fight is a bad idea, just FYI) The guy at the UHaul place was nice and didn't mark me down for having a slightly less full gas tank than I should have, and we got out of there quickly. I went back to my pile o boxes and my friends went back down to Obama-ville.

Miss Unicorn is amazing. When I got back, practically my whole kitchen had been unpacked and arranged. My awesome zebra print shower curtain was up too! We spent a couple more hours putting everything together, and by about 6 my apartment looked like a home! I was very impressed. She is also smart and suggested we go get a lamp, since I don't have an overhead light in my main living area. Thank goodness we did, it came in handy mere hours later! We also tried one of the Asian restaurants super close to my apartment (have I mentioned how much STUFF there is around here?!) and it was really quite good, and totally reasonably priced! (Two restaurants tried, two A's...not a bad start!) Then people came back to hang out and watch The Wire, our new show now that we are done with Heroes and Freaks and Geeks. I like The Wire, its gritty and snarky, which I always appreciate.

But when everyone left, the "Im in a strange new place" feeling finally hit, and it was sorta lame. I realized that even with all of the positive aspects of living up here, I will miss the ease of hanging out with people on a whim. Its something that only school really provides, so it had to end eventually, but change is never easy for me. School is still in the picture, however, so I will be down in Hyde Park a bunch until I am done with The Beast. Theres nothing like a new apartment to reawaken ridiculous fears. Luckily I was exhausted and sick so I was able to go to sleep pretty easily. Only to be woken up by construction noises!!

But even with the plague, I decided to check out some of the area. I got bread and breakfast at Red Hen Bread, which is really cute and has super friendly staff. I havent tried the bread yet (I got multigrain and the guy asked me why I had decided to go all healthy on him!), but the muffin was excellent. Starbucks was closed (another message from the universe, perhaps?), so I decided to go up to Intelligentsia, which is only about 6 blocks away, and I am ever so glad I did. The cafe is WAY bigger than the one by Macy's downtown, and has lots of couches and such. The line was long, and a little old lady (not quite a zombie) kept talking to me about the neighborhood as she texted on her sidekick!! As usual, my mocha was excellent and I got to hang out there for a while. They have free internet and it seems to be a really hip place to hang out (even the old lady said that!). Shoot me if I start only judging places on how "hip" they are!

And that brings me back to my current situation, sitting here burried in plague paraphenalia and wishing I had more movies to choose from.